Thursday, March 31, 2005

The Sharks Tale

Recently there have been two attacks on human beings by sharks. Both men were interviewed. The Sharks, however, were neglected and ignored by the media, thus soiling their reputation further.
I went deep down into the deep, dark ocean to interview Peter, the great white that 'attacked' Mark Currie.

Hello, Peter.

Greetings.

Firstly, please don't bite my face off.

(Chuckles. Silence)

Let's talk about recent events.

Yes...Let's.

You seemed to have been painted in a rather harsh light by The Sun and various other tabloids.

Oh yes, the 'Jaws' thing. How trite.

That bothers you?

Deeply.

So, what happened on that fateful day, Peter?

Well, I was just swimming about, minding my own buisness, when I saw this young chap in a cage. I didn't think much of it because I'm used to seeing humans in cages. Anyway, I started swimming around, putting on a bit of a shark show because I know how fascinating you humans find us. I ate a fish. I wasn't even that hungry. Like I say, it was all for show and purely out of the goodness of my heart. I didn't have to make an exhibition of myself. I was very busy.
So, I'm playing to the camera and doing my thing when suddenly I felt this sharp prod on my side. I looked to see the cage-man holding this long stick and he was prodding me with it.
I was like "What's up with this?" and he was jeering and shouting stuff. I swam a bit closer to hear what he was saying. It was pure slander! He startled heckling me, challenging me. I couldn't believe the cheek of the man so I decided to leave the ungrateful and uncouth sod, but as I was turning away, I heard what I can only describe as a torrent of pure, unadulturated filth about my mother. I just fucking lost it! Oh, can I swear? Is that okay?

I'm just amazed to hear a shark speak.

I swam at the cage. I was so angry! I had designs on biting the scoundrel in two. That's what we sharks do when strangers besmirch our mothers. I came to my senses after I'd shit him up a bit. I figured it would be a lesson he'd never forget. Then I find out he's playing the wounded seal, saying I attacked him for no good reason! I'm actually thinking of suing. I've got in touch with a good firm and they are looking at my case. It just riles me, you know? We sharks have a bad enough rep because of that infernal movie.

I understand.

Everytime I swim past a boat I'm forever hearing 'DUR-DUN-DURRR-DUN!!'. You know, that horrible 'Jaws' tune. It gets on my gills. So, what paper do you write for?

I don't write for a paper. I write for a blog.

What's a blog?

It's an online word-based website.

Oh yeah! How many hits do you get?

I get as many as FIFTEEN hits a day!

So, I'm not really speaking to someone who matters?

Well, uh--

So this is rather pointless?

I wouldn't go so far as to say 'pointless' but I wouldn't swagger too far from it.

You know what I love most about being a shark?

No, what?

*CHOMP!!*

He ate me. I got better. Peter's case was thrown out of court. Sweet, sweet Karma.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

APRIL ENTERTAINMENT AT THE CIVIC

Book now for the following events!
  • SORRY IT'S TERMINAL - (Gloomy hardcore punk band. Album 'Bad News, I'm Afraid' is out now)
  • ALL PUNS BLAZING - South coast hip-hop.
  • ANUS - (German death metal troupe. Features live biscuit eating)
  • GUNSHOT INEVITABLE - (Irritating pap-rap. Features DJ Chimpy McChimp. Bring Bandanas and bananas)
  • THE HISSY FITS - (Angry girl punk. No men allowed)
  • THE BLACK JACKS - (5 Jacks. All Black. All rock!!)
  • CARLOS FIGURINE AND THE UPTOWN MOTOWN DOWNTOWN RAG TIME TRIO - (Confusing parrot jazz)
  • MALLOW TWEED - (Like Jamie Cullum but with wooden eyes)
  • THE BROKEN BEATLES - (Modern day Beatles tribute)
  • THE GENERICS - (Fad orientated, NME-hyped indie band who won't be around in 12 months time.)
  • GREEDO SHOOTS FIRST - (Star Wars influenced ska punk direct from BIG AMERICA)
  • STEVE AND THE STEVES - (Remember the 80's? Steve does! Let him entertain you. Show contains partial nudity and name dropping.)
  • OH, SUCH QUIRKY TIMES! - (Old fashioned variety for the oldies, hosted by 'When Trousers Fall down' presenter Bobby Heartless. Features Old Vic and The Creams, Pragmatic Charlie and the sounds of a hammond organ)
  • LESLIE KLAY - (Popular comedian and star of 'Variety Nights' and 'That Leslie Klay Thing' brings his oft quoted and generic observations to the Civic. get ready to say 'Pitta Bread?' and other hackneyed cock-phrases like the sheep you are. Features a horse.)
  • YOU'RE ALL GOING TO HELL! - (Cheerful religious propaganda show. Contains nuts)

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Future Plans

Hello. Sorry I haven't been posting all that much. I've been busy with various projects and endeavours which I would like to tell you about. Perhaps I can get your help in some way.

I've been trying to put together a folk-rap group called 'Gunshot Inevitable'. The plan is to 'rap' the crap out of old Bob Dylan and Gram Parsons songs. We'll inject new meanings and whatnot into the lyrics and strike threatening poses for maximum effect. Bring the songs of yore bang into the now. My rap name is Mildred CopKill. My friend Hans has opted for the moniker Mc @. We plan to get a chimp to be our DJ. We'll call him DJ Chimpy McChimp or something. We'll pay him in Bananas and punish him with blows to the head with a spoon if he doesn't lay down 'Phat' enough beat-bricks.

If anyone has a chimp they are not using or perhaps know a simian who is looking to be part of a rap group then please let me know by either yelling into the wind or splattering letter-based words into the new comments section (Which I stole from Blog Ho)

I may also go into pro wrestling. My name is Max Von BASTARD and I aim to pump myself up and try to get the WWE to feature me on one of their homo-erotic road shows. I'd like to be a baddie but I'd settle for being a pain in the arse. Any exposure for the bastard would be superb. My special move is called The Spinal Flap. I've tested it out on various dogs and it seems to be a rather devastating move. I'd prefer to be a rap star but whatever comes first. At this point beggars can't be buggers.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

My Poor Brain

Hello.

How are you? Feeling good? How's the rash?

I'm not really into writing personal stuff on here but I feel the need to mention a few things that have affected me over the past few days.

  • Southampton---Adam+Andy+Nick+Dan+Yours truly= Carnage.....but in a good way. I have many great memories to go with the headache and fatique. Thanks, all. Twas just the tonic.
  • The Hobbit, S'hampton. The themed bar where you can say "I'll have a pint of Gandalf" We all got absolutely Legolas (Sorry)
  • Lennon's. Indie bars are always good especially Indie bars that play The Postal Service.
  • Sweet texts from a sweet girl.
  • Mr Bukarki.
  • Smackdown and toast. The ultimate post-club remedy.
  • As is Family Guy
  • I need sleep.

Normal (Well, normal for me) service will resume shortly.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Interview With The Devil

I bumped into The Devil on Saturday night. He was in Subway. We had a bit of a chat and I recorded it on my phone. Here is the transcript.
Can you just say your name for the benefit of the readers?

I am Lucifer.

And your occupation?

I am the manager of a large underground organisation known as Hades, or Hell as it’s more commonly known.

We know you as the devil.

You do.

Does that bother you? You seem a bit disgruntled by that moniker.

I do prefer Lucifer. The devil is a bit ‘old world’ for my tastes. It’s become something of a cliché.

As has your image. You are often portrayed as something of a demon.

Oh yes, with the goatee and the horns and the pitch-fork. Yes, that gets my goat a bit. No pun intended.

Why?

It’s lazy. People have clung to an image that is at best hackneyed folk-lore. It’s also incredibly insulting. As you can see, I’m not a red-skinned demon with goat legs. In fact, I’m quite the opposite.

To describe you for the readers I’d say you were a smartly dressed man in a velvet blue suit and-

-I’ve been told I look a bit like that man from that television programme. I forget his name and indeed the name of the programme. It’ll come to me.

What’s the nature of the programme?

I can’t remember. Some of my staff keep saying I look like this actor but I don’t watch much television so I don’t know who they are referring to.

Are you too busy to watch television? Do you even have television in Hell?

We do have television. I don’t watch it anymore because there simply isn’t anything worth watching.

Why do you think that?

It’s all reality programmes and cookery these days. If it’s not someone telling you what to eat it’s someone telling you what to wear. When did television become so judgemental? I’m not sure what the attraction is in programmes that feature everyday people doing nothing. You may as well turn your attention to what’s going on in your own home and save some electricity.

You don’t like anything on television?

I prefer to listen to the radio. Jazz FM.

You like Jazz?

I love Jazz.

Is there much Jazz in Hell?

There is when I’m in charge. I had Miles Davis come down and play some boogie the other evening. He’s a very cool man and very talented. I’m a huge, huge fan. I just sat there and wallowed in his genius. I applauded for just under three days.

Wow. Who else have you met?

You mean famous artists?

Yes.

I’ve met them all at some point. I’ve been friends’ with Miles for a while. I’ve recently made acquaintance with the comedian Bill Hicks. He’s a very nice chap. He did a couple of sell-out shows in Heaven so naturally I wanted him to perform in Hell. He’s very sharp. He tore a few strips off me I can tell you.

And you didn’t mind?

Not at all.

That hardly fits in with the image of you being angry and unforgiving.

Ah, that’s more of the piffle we addressed earlier. It’s because of a bad P.A. That’s where all this fire and brimstone rubbish spawns from.

Bad P.A?

My marketing team came up with the image and, as I said earlier, it was ill-advised and it got taken out of context. The sad thing is that I think I’ll always be seen as that fearsome figure.

Is that why you agreed to do these interviews?

Partly.

What else prompted you?

I fancied a few days out of the office, so to speak. It’s nice to have a change of scenery now and then.

What have you been doing on earth?

I saw Bob Dylan at the Birmingham NIA. I tried to book him a few years ago but he’s still got work to do in this world.

You like your music, don’t you?

Music, GOOD music is the essence of living. It is to me anyway. I don’t know what I’d do without my music. I dread to think.

What’s your relationship like with God?

Ah, He and I have an interesting relationship. We both have been misrepresented in one way or the other. He’s got a very good sense of humour and he’s a sucker for Hendrix and The Beatles.

Do you see him very often?

I see him quite a lot. We have formal and informal meetings.

What do you talk about?

In our formal meetings, it’s all business. We talk about staff and about the state of things. Its fairly boring stuff but it’s got to be done.

What about your informal meetings?

We get drunk and tell rude jokes.

Really?

(Chuckles)
Yes. He’s a lot of fun.

So there is no malice between you?

No. We may be competitive in business but ultimately we are good friends. We’re both parts of the same being after all. We’re opposites and opposites have a certain attraction.

What does he look like?

He doesn’t look like anything really. He’s not even a ‘he’.

I’m not sure I follow you.

He has many forms. He takes the guise of someone you feel comfortable with. For example he may take the guise of a kind uncle or aunt.

What does he look like to you?

Brian Blessed.

What’s Hell like?

Ah, the big question. Hell has also been misrepresented. It’s not a flaming pit of misery. It is a miserable place, I mean, that’s its job. That’s why it exists.

To punish the wicked?

Exactly. It’s, to simplify, is-
(Lucifer takes a moment to think)
What’s your idea of Hell?

In a factory polishing jugs. I did it for a few months in my teens. It was horrible.

That would be your Hell.

It would?

Yes. Imagine it for an eternity. Hell is not about an eternity of physical agony, it’s an infinity of mind-crushing tedium. Most of Hell has been taken up by a large office. A lot of evil souls find the monotonous environment as absolute torture.

I can understand that.

Do you still polish jugs in a factory?

I have an office job now.

So you know how horrible it can be. The deadlines, the stress and the pathetic innuendo.

Yeah.

Imagine that going on forever.

I can’t imagine that.

Too horrible?

No, I don’t have a very good imagination.

Well, if you did-

Do you like your job?

It has its ups and downs.

Really?
It’s like every business, and it IS a business, I have a world to govern and things have to be kept ship-shape as to avoid errors.

What kind of errors?

Well, we have to make sure that the right souls get to the right destination.

That sounds like hard work.

You wouldn't last a day. I've seen your work ethic. Snoozing isn't working. How's the film going?

It's going okay. I’m going over to see the edit in-

I can make it bigger than 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' if you want.

Really?

Yep.

What's the small print?

Your soul. What else would I want?

I kind of need it. Don't I?

No, you don't. To be honest, deal-wise I'm getting the bums rush here and you're getting the sweet end of the deal.

I don't know. This is not really what this is all about-

Think about it. You could have all the girls you want.

I'm not really-

Guys then.

Have you been reading my emails, the ones to Blog Ho?

What do you say, lad? Your soul for a life of riches, bitches and, uh, well, whatever floats your boat. Just think, this time next year you could be shmoozing with the A-list and on the arm of Natalie Portman. You like her, don't you? Or was it Bill Pullman?

Will you knock that off?

I just call it like I see it, Captain Closet. So what do you say? Sign?

Okay. Okay.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
How many A's are in that maniacal laugh? Just for the type up.

A thousand. I'll process this and get back to you. I hope you like bald, Gold, Old men called
Oscar.

I'm going to get an Academy Award?

(Long pause)
Sure, why not?


This ended the interview.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Gay Millionaire

Tim and his co-worker Calvin are sat in a quiet music store. Another woman (TINA) is stocking the shelves a little way from them.


TIM
What if a millionaire came into this office right now?
What would you do?

CALVIN
What do you mean ‘what would I do’? It wouldn’t make any difference to me, would it?

TIM
Say if this millionaire came in here with a proposition-

CALVIN
Oh, this is one of THOSE conversations.

TIM
-And the proposition was that he wanted you to sleep with me.

CALVIN
What? Why would he would he want that?

TIM
I don’t know. What would you do?

CALVIN
I’d tell him to sod off.

TIM
You’d kiss goodbye one million big ones just like that? Take a minute to think about what he’s offering here.

CALVIN
No way! Let’s talk about something else.

TIM
Wouldn’t you even consider a compromise?

CALVIN
No.

TIM
You’re so selfish; man and you’ve inadvertently insulted me.

CALVIN
Why, because I said I wouldn’t sleep with you at the behest of some sleazy old millionaire?

TIM
How do you know he’s old? He could be the same age as us.

CALVIN
It doesn’t matter, Tim. I wouldn’t do it. I have my pride. What kind of conversation is this anyway?

TIM
It’s an adult conversation.

CALVIN
It sounds like it.

TIM
You’re so conservative.

CALVIN
No I’m not.

TIM
Yes you are and homophobic too.

CALVIN
I am not!

TIM
I see I’ve touched a nerve here.

CALVIN
This is stupid!

TIM
Okay, okay. I can see that this is too much for you so I’ll take it down a bit. The Millionaire retracts his original offer and comes up with something different.

CALVIN
What, does he want me to sleep with my dog?

TIM
He may be perverted but he’s not depraved, Calvin.

CALVIN
So, what’s this new offer?

TIM
He wants you to dance for him.

CALVIN
Dance for him?

TIM
Uh-huh.

CALVIN
What kind of dance?

TIM
A sexy dance

CALVIN
Oh my God!

TIM
Well, you wouldn’t fuck me so the least you could do is dance for him.

CALVIN
What colour is the sky in your world?

TIM
You wouldn’t even dance for him?

CALVIN
No.

TIM
Are you crazy? He’s offering a million pounds for you to jiggle. Are you seriously trying to tell me that you wouldn’t swallow your pride and shake your ass for a million pounds? I would.

CALVIN
Yes, but I think we’ve already established that you’re disgusting.

TIM
Disgusting? I’m not disgusting. I just know a good offer when I see one.

CALVIN
You think dancing for another man for money is a good offer?

TIM
Is that another one of your homophobic slurs?

CALVIN
No! I just don’t want to sacrifice my dignity for the entertainment of some depraved degenerate.

TIM
I don’t particularly want to come in here everyday and serve the musically challenged morons that come in here but I do it. Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and do things you don’t want to do. This eccentric gentleman is offering you the chance to earn a lot of money in a short space of time. You’d never have to work again. You could do all the things you wanted to do, take all the holidays you want and live happily for the rest of your life. He’s giving you the key to the life you’ve always dreamed about and all you have to do is make a lonely millionaire happy for five minutes.

CALVIN
Okay, yes. I’d do it. Are you happy now?

TIM
So, You’d be willing to put on a strip tease for a total stranger?

CALVIN
A strip tease?

TIM
Of course, that’s part of the deal.

CALVIN
You never mentioned stripping.

TIM
Well, it’s a bit obvious. He’s not going to pay you a million pounds to gyrate in your jeans is he?

CALVIN
I’m sorry, why would a millionaire come all the way to a sad little record shop and ask me to have sex with you or strip dance for him? What kind of millionaire is he anyway?

TIM
He’s a sexually repressed gentleman with money to burn. His complicated back-story isn’t important right now.


A young woman walks into the office and begins to use the photocopier. The boys ignore her.


CALVIN
Complicated back-story?

TIM
Yes. He’s not had it easy. His parents didn’t understand and he was the target of abuse from many of his peers.

CALVIN
Oh, Jesus!

TIM
I could go on but the story is one filled with so much bigotry and prejudice it would break your heart.


CALVIN
Enough already, you’re going too far as usual.

TIM
So you’d dance for the emotionally tortured ‘It Boy’?



CALVIN
(Annoyed)
YES, I’D DO A STRIP TEASE FOR THE GAY MILLIONIARE!


TINA looks up at CALVIN.
CALVIN blushes. TIM points at CALVIN and does the ‘limp wrist’ gesture.

TIM
I told you.

CALVIN
Bastard.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

"So, uh, Kevin..."

So Nick and I went to see Kevin Smith Q & A in Piccadilly yesterday. The event was being filmed for the 'Evening Harder' DVD and your boy asked Silent Bob a question (The second of the night) It wasn't the greatest question in the world and I was incredibly nervous because a) I was standing on the balcony and I'm not great with hieghts and b) It was Kevin Smith. I may appear on the DVD too as I had to sign a release form. We shall see.
It was a fun old time.

http://www.empireonline.co.uk/site/news/newsstory.asp?news_id=16612

Story from Empire. The 'Meet Joe Black' reference in the article but came from the question I asked.

Anyway, I'm back from Limbo.

How are you?

Aloofus, Aloofus...

So, it’s 2018. I’m staring down the barrel of my 40’s but with the same goofy mindset I honed in my 20’s. Mentally, it doesn’t feel as bad a...