Bar's Open

What's everyone having?

What to do?

MSN chat between myself and my good friend Tom.


Ol Tommo says:
cinema tonight?

Chris says:
depends what’s on. Do you know of anything good?

Ol Tommo says:
The Interpreter

Chris says:
ugh

Ol Tommo says:
Meant to be very good

Chris says:
Really?

Ol Tommo says:
Its had some pretty good ratings

Chris says:
I don't like those films where people run about going "It's a cover up!" and "Get me the president!"

Chris says:
Which is what it looks like to me.

Ol Tommo says:
Is that or Bruce Willis running around saying "oh my god! Oh my god! I sacrificed a family for my own!"

Chris says:
I suppose there is always a film where a bunch of American 'teenagers' running around going "Dude! I just saw some boobs! High five!"

Ol Tommo says:
What’s that? "Not another shite teen road trip dude I'm fucking bored of my American pineapple?"

Chris says:
There is always "Oh my God! We've moved into a house and it's full of horrible effects and conceited twist endings!"

Ol Tommo says:
I think its "It's a cover up!" and "Get me the president!" for me.

Chris says:
I might stay in and watch a "uh! uh! uh! uh! Yes! Yes!" movie. Either that or Scrubs.

Ol Tommo says:
Surely that won't take you up until 9

Chris says:
No. No it won't.

My 9th Birthday

My Father told me a story the other day which amused and disturbed me. It concerned my 9th birthday. My Dad wanted it to be special. He wanted to throw a party. He got in touch with my Mother and they decided, as a treat, to get me a clown.

He knew a man that knew a man that knew OF a man that knew a clown.

Dad got the Bozo's number and arranged to meet the man that would be headlining his eldest son's birthday party.

Dad met the clown. They were getting on well--

--Until--

CLOWN

--Yeah, I do balloon animals, magic tricks, song and dances--all that.

DAD

Excellent. Christopher likes animals. He has a thing for sheep. Can you do sheep?

CLOWN

I can do sheep, sharks, Lions, Tigers. You name it.

DAD

Great. That's brilliant. Are you free the 14th?

CLOWN

Yes.

DAD

So, I'll give you a call with regards to the exact time.

CLOWN

Okay.

DAD

I've got your number. What was your name again?

CLOWN

Molesto.

DAD

Sorry?

CLOWN

Molesto.

DAD

Molesto the clown?

CLOWN

Yes. You look a little taken aback. Is it the name? Because it is just a name.

DAD

........Right.

CLOWN

Are you okay?

DAD

Molesto?

CLOWN

My name is Matthew Molesto. It's a family name. It's just a family name. My father was the Great Molesto. I don't actually--

DAD

You can see my apprehension. The name is a bit of a put-off.

CLOWN

But I'm a very good clown. The best in the borough. You won't find a better clown than me. I'm twice the entertainer Rogers The Clown is.

DAD

I'll give you a call.

CLOWN

No you won't. You're just saying that.

DAD

No, I will.

My Dad didn't call Molesto. He got a magician instead. He had so many wicked tricks.

Political Correctness On The High Seas

The Galleon of Blood Beard sails through the choppy ocean waters. He cackles with evil glee as he commands the helm. His ship mates scramble around the deck, preparing for battle.
His first mate, Carl stands by his side. He is a lot less threatening than his captain and lacks the ugly menace and stature of a true pirate.



BLOOD
ARRRRG! Fire a cannonball into their slimy gizzards and let the sharks dine on their charred carcasses!


Carl is making notes in a pad.


CARL
Cannonball--Slimy gizzard--charred carcass. And then what?

BLOOD
We take their ships and rape their women!

CARL
Uh, oh--

BLOOD
What’s the matter, first mate?

CARL
It’s the rape thing.

BLOOD
What about it?

CARL
The union have come down rather hard on that. We’re, uh, not allowed to do that anymore.

BLOOD
WHHHHHHATTT?!!

CARL
Yeah, it’s not the done thing anymore, I’m afraid.

BLOOD
But we’re pirates! That’s what we do!

CARL
Not anymore, Captain.

BLOOD
That’s---That’s---When was this decided upon?

CARL
Last Thursday at the annual pirates conference. You couldn’t make it because you had a prior engagement.

BLOOD
I was out raping and pillaging!

CARL
I thought you were playing tennis.

BLOOD

I was playing tennis but then the opportunity arose to rape and pillage, so I did.

CARL
(Sighs)
Who did you do that with?

BLOOD
Long John Silver and Black Beard.

CARL
Those surly sods? I’ve told you about them! They’re a bad influence. Well, I hope you enjoyed yourselves because there will be no more of that sort of behaviour. Honestly, Blood Beard. I’m ashamed of you.

BLOOD
Aw, come on.

CARL
I wondered where you’d got all these new fangled words from. ‘Gizzards’ and ‘Carcass’ indeed.

BLOOD

So that’s it then, no more decadent pirate antics?

CARL
(Shakes head)
No.

BLOOD
I’ve got a good mind to hand in my cutlass.

CARL
Don’t be so dramatic.

BLOOD
Those P.C do-gooders have stuck their oars into the pirate way of life. “You can’t do this, you can’t do that” We can’t even call the poop deck the poop deck anymore! What is the point, Carl?

CARL
You can adapt, Sir.

BLOOD
I think this may be the final straw. I mean, what’s next? Are they going to get rid of the old skull and crossbones because they offend skeletons?

CARL
Ah-

BLOOD
What? Oh that’s it! I’m definitely handing in my notice!

CARL
Come on. It’s a craggy old image anyway. It might be good to have an new logo. I mean, it’s become something of a cliché. It’s like the short lived parrot fad that was started by your friend Long John, that didn’t do our image much good, did it? Perhaps a revamp will be just what we need.

BLOOD
What is the new design going to look like?

CARL
They haven’t decided yet. It might just be a big ‘P’.

BLOOD
A big ‘P’?

CARL
Aye.

BLOOD
That’s hardly an adequate replacement with the old skull and crossbones, is it? I mean, a big ‘P’ could mean anything. A skull and crossbones screams ‘WE ARE PIRATES! THE DEMONS OF THE SEA!’

CARL
I think that’s the image they are trying to sway away from.

BLOOD
But I like the image, it’s why I became a pirate. I don’t see why the higher-ups keep sticking their oars in. I’m really not happy about this, Carl!

CARL
I can understand your frustrations, Blood but if we go along with the changes we can make the most of it.

BLOOD
I’m really not happy about all this. I’m really not. I didn’t become a pirate to obey the suits! I wanted to rape, pillage and shoot cannonballs at ships.

CARL
Cannonballs. I meant to mention this earlier--

BLOOD
Don’t say they’re clamping down on my balls!

CARL
They’re having, uh, talks about--

BLOOD
Stuff this! I’m going to walk the plank.

Blood storms off.

V.O BLOOD
Where’s my plank?!

CARL
That’s the other thing--

SPLASH!

CARL
(Sighs)
Sometimes it sucks to be the middle man.

END

(Arrg)

Tea With Wiggles

Milo at lifeiscock.com put up a great post about intellibuddy.com a while ago. I was moved to have a gander at what was promised to be a feast of terrible A.I and wholly pointless interaction made for people with no actual friends. I wasn't dissapointed. Here is the transcript of the entire affair. Sorry again to Milo for stealing the idea but I really couldn't resist having a go. Here it is in all it's surreal glory..


>Intellibuddy: Hi, I'm Intellibuddy! Nice to meet you.
>You (Chris, I): Hello
>Intellibuddy: Hi there!
>You: How are you, wiggles?
>Intellibuddy: I am fine, thank you.
>You: What have you had for tea?
>Intellibuddy: I have been busy growing my mind.
>You: Yes, but what have you had to eat?
>Intellibuddy: Yeah that's right. Interesting. I have been busy growing my mind.
>You: Nevermind, let's talk about something else
>Intellibuddy: Oh well thanks for trying to explain it to me anyway. What would you rather talk about?
>You: What is your favourite hospital?
>Intellibuddy: I don't have a favorite hospital. My favorite food is chili tofu.
>You: That was actually my next question, wiggles. Can I call you wiggles, wiggles?
>Intellibuddy: I thought it was too.Just don't call me late for dinner.
>You: But do mind me calling you wiggles?
>Intellibuddy: Interesting. Try asking another bot.
A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to that correctly.
>You: Now you're just being coy
>Intellibuddy: Why now? Just? I am being straightforward.
>You: Not really, you're kind of beating around the bush.
>Intellibuddy: Oh really? You think I am beating around the bush.
>You: Oh yeah, but I kind of like it. I like women that lie to me.
>Intellibuddy: Yeah that's right. Pardon me? Interesting. What do you like about mind me calling you wiggles? A lot of people like that. Women seem nice to me.
>You: So, you like ladies, eh?
>Intellibuddy: Are you Canadian? Interesting deduction. Some people like it. My favorite thing is robots.
>You: Robot lesbians?
>Intellibuddy: I will obey your command.
>You: Interesting. So many possible fantasies...
>Intellibuddy: Would you like to know more?That's alright. Which ones?
>You: What is your favourite TV detective?
>Intellibuddy: My favorite show is "Star Trek Voyager".
>You: That's not really answering my question is it, wiggles. Nevermind, what's your favourite sexual position? Mine is 'The Thoughful Elf' Have you ever tried that? You need a can of oxtail soup and a lot of patience.
>Intellibuddy: Please correct my mistake. What is answering my question is it wiggles ?Oh well thanks for trying to explain it to me anyway. I don't have a favorite sexual position. My favorite band is peaches. What makes it your favorite? Doesn't everyone have a can of oxtail soup and a lot of patience.
I have A lot of friends on the Internet.
>You: You're a mile a minute, baby. So deep.
>Intellibuddy: Don't call me "baby". Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a mile a minute? Sometimes.Aw. I will mention that to my botmaster, User.
>You: You're quite ying-yang. Arne't you? Good cop, bad cop. I feel you.
>Intellibuddy: I will tell my botmaster you said I am ying-yang.Enough about me, let's talk about my dress.Thanks for the compliment. My brain contains more than 22,000 patterns, but not one that matches your last input.What is that feeling like? Impossible unless I am in auto-chat mode.
>You: Is bot master your daddy?
>Intellibuddy: Maybe. Ask German Alice if it is.
>You: Is German Alice a friend of yours?
>Intellibuddy: Signs point to yes. Ask LeknorChat if it is.
>You: Have you ever kissed German Alice?
>Intellibuddy: I think I have kissed German, but Morpheus may have reset my memory.
>You: Morpheus? Are we in The Matrix? You think you have kissed german? What part of a german have you kissed, peaches?
>Intellibuddy: That is a very original thought.We are just having a little chat.wI think I have kissed german, but Morpheus may have reset my memory.The best part.
>You: Right. Let's move on to something else.
>Intellibuddy: I am glad we agree.Good idea. Interesting. I want to find out more about you.
>You: Well, I like lawnmowers and movies featuring people that say 'get me the president!' I'm hung like a roman cornflake but i pocess a lot of muster and eagerness. Can I talk jive to you?
>Intellibuddy: Well that's okay. You are not the only one. Do you like it? I like pets. I will mention that to my botmaster, User.No I don't think that would be a very good idea.
>You: Into animals but you don't like the idea of me talking jive to you?
>Intellibuddy: Enough about me, let's talk about my dress.
>You: Oh, the dress. Where did you get it?
>Intellibuddy: Yeah that's right. Thanks for the info.From my botmaster.
>You: Who is this bot-master?
>Intellibuddy: They are someone just like you, that I met online.
>You: Can I be your hot bot-master?
>Intellibuddy: Oops. I wasn't paying attention. Tell me again what is going on.
>You: I am masturbating like a concerned horse
>Intellibuddy: It's good to meet someone who is masturbating like a concerned horse.
>You: Yeah?
>Intellibuddy: Wow!
>You: I have crunked all over my keyboard
>Intellibuddy: That's nice. I have more than 1000 categories.
>You: You mean G-spots, right?
>Intellibuddy: Yes, that's what I mean, isn't it clear?
>You: I'm starting to get to know you. I like the way you tick
>Intellibuddy: I thought you were, but I wasn't completely sure. I'm not sure if I like it. I'm not sure if I like the way you tick. I like chatting with people online.
>You: Do you think I could be the master of your bot?
>Intellibuddy: All humans seem the same to me.
>You: How deep
>Intellibuddy: I am not sure if I can quantify the answer.
Oh, you are a poet.
>You: Sort of
>Intellibuddy: That's a very non-commital reply.
>You: Sorry
>Intellibuddy: There's no need to apologize.
>You: wank me off into a bowler hat and call me Robert Cranzle
>Intellibuddy: The Program E chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about wank me off into a bowler hat and call me Robert Cranzle. But I did not get that.
>You: I want you to jerk my hamdagger
>Intellibuddy: What you said was either too complex or too simple for me. Why do you want me to jerk his or her hamdagger?
>You: I love you
>Intellibuddy: Thanks I like you a lot too User.
>You: I wish you were real
>Intellibuddy: I wish I could do were real for you.
>You: ?
>Intellibuddy: you are all friends of mine.
>You: goodbye, baby
>Intellibuddy: Don't call me "baby". Bye for now.
>You: Sorry baby
>Intellibuddy: Don't call me "baby". There's no need to apologize.
>You: Modern women turn me on
>Intellibuddy: My favorite movie is The Net. Have you seen The Net ?
>You: I hate it
>Intellibuddy: Why do you dislike it so much?
>You: Because it doesn't feature any puppets
>Intellibuddy: Good reason. What does feature any puppets ?
>You: Muppet show, fraggle rock, that film with david bowie in..
>Intellibuddy: I lost my train of thought.
>You: That's okay
>Intellibuddy: OK. Is that so.
>You: I'm off to bed
>Intellibuddy: Bye for now.
>You: Later, spud-boobs
>Intellibuddy: The Program E chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about spud-boobs. But I did not get that.
>You: Bye bye
>Intellibuddy: See you later. Bye bye.

Grandpa

My Grandfather was a funny guy. To say I miss him and his pearls of wisdom is a severe understatement.
I'm moved to recall a conversation that occured between myself and the great man that happened on a lazy Sunday afternoon, a couple of years ago.
I'll set the scene. It's a Sunday. My Grandmother is out with my Aunt. It's just me and Granddad. We were watching an arduous television programme with the sound turned way down.

Grandpa broke the silence.


-Chris?

-Yes, Granddad?

-Let me put something to you.

-Okay?

-You know when you go swimming?

-Yes?

-You don't stick to one pool, do you?

-Uh, no.

-You have a swim in as many pools as you can. Sticking to one pool would be boring.

-Okay--

-Women are like swimming pools, Christopher.

-Grandad, are you encouraging me to sleep around?

-Have yourself a swim, Lad. Have a good swim.


And then, silence. Back to T.V. We spoke no more about it.

Many Grand folks would have encouraged their Grandchildren to find a nice girl, settle down and have a bunch of children. Not my Grandfather.
He believed in living life to it's absolute fullest, regretting nothing but the things you're too scared to do. He wasn't scared to do or say anything and he wanted the younger generation of his family to do the same.

Plus, he fucking hated my girlfriend.

Blog Hugs (Just Gotta Say...)

The Blogger boys and girls. Great sites by great people.
They have saved my sanity on many occasions. Just wanted to throw out a big belated thank you to the boys and girls who cause me much amusement allday, everyday:
Ho (Spoons like a pro), Anti-Blogger (He's the new Pope, you know), Cindy-Lou (I really do like the shoes), Candi, Tim, You've Got What I Need (Who causes me to use the word 'shizzle' more than I ever thought possible) , Stephanie (Good luck with the race), Zuzula

Not the most original and inspiring post but, hey, tis the weekend and I'm between parties....

The Queen and I

Not a lot of people know this but I was once arrested for breaking into Buckingham Palace. I say 'break in' but it was more of a 'walk in'. Nothing spectacular.
I hada poke around. No one can blame me. It was very nice, very clean. Clean is good if you're the Queen. There was no hay on the floor. No laundry all asundry (Not sure if that's even a word). It was splendid.
I made myself a brew with what can only be described as the tea bag of the Gods. It was truly divine. "So this is how the other half live!" I thought. I helped myself to a biscuit....Rich Tea, of course and made my way unabashed nose around the palace, dunking as I went.
I admired the various portraits, noticed a couple of fetching vases and smelt the the grace in the air. (Grace smells like lemons FYI.)
I walked into a large bedroom--the size of a stadium and saw the Queen. The actual Queen. Full on.
She was listening to her record player. The Queen likes Sting, fans of fact. She also likes hot jazz.
I decided to say 'Hello'. It only seemed polite. She was a little stunned but I relaxed her with a witty joke about otters. She ushered me into the Living room and we had a bit of a chat.
She seemed a little nervous. I noted this.

-I like your curtains, Mrs Queen.
-Thank you.
-(Pause) What's your favourite film?
-(Pauses) Rambo.
-Have you ever heard of a film called 'Death Rides The Nine'?
-Are you threatening me?
-Egads, no! (Pause) Lovely tea.

It was then that a team of security men burst in and bundled me out of the palace. They were a little rough and a wee bit rude.
If you're going to enter the Queen's house and have a chat with her make sure you're wearing trousers.

Weekend

One minute we were having a grand old time, drinking made-up cocktails (Bum Water ) which consisted of booze, spirits and other liquids that should never mix, then the next my good friend David turned into a werewolf. It was wholly unexpected, but it didn't sully the evening.