The Smile Detector

Hello. You may or may not like this little short. It's about going to the doctors which I used to make a career of a few years ago. It was actually part of an odd sketch show I wrote called 'Baron Saladback' which, as usual, never left my Laptop (Until now.)
A few of the sketches were to feature in Series 3 of the ITV's 'The Sketch Show'...But so far there hasn't been a series 3. The show was pretty generic anyway, to be honest. I'm not really sure where my strange bits would have fitted between the 'knock knock' humour that show seemed to thrive on. Still, you never know....
I'm rambling.

Enjoy.

'The Smile Detector'

INT - DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

Steven, an emotionally battered young man talks to his shrink.

STEVEN
(Quietly)
I'm just so depressed. I keep thinking about her and how much I miss her. I saw her with her new boyfriend the other day. She looked so happy. I just, I don't know, feel empty. I don't know what to do. I don't want to feel like this.

DOC
Steven, it's perfectly natural to feel like this. This is all part of a natural process. You will get through it. You will.

STEVEN
I just don't know what I'm going to do, Doc. I don't want to live with this-

DOC
Actually, I've got just the remedy. Something that will help the heartache

STEVEN
What's that? I'll try anything!

DOC
It's a new medical discovery from America. It's quick, painless and has helped nine out of ten depression sufferers.

STEVEN
What is it?

The doctor makes the motion of getting something out of his pocket. He presents his own hand balled up into a fist with his index finger and his thumb sticking up.

DOC
(Proudly)
It's the Smile Detector.

STEVEN
What?

DOC
It's a medical breakthrough.

STEVEN
It's your hand.

DOC
(As if to a child)
Where's that smile? Where's that smile?

STEVEN
What are you doing?

DOC
(Waggling fingers wildly)
A smile has been detected!

STEVEN
(Annoyed)
Stop that.

DOC
Where's that smile? Where is it?

STEVEN
Stop it!

DOC
Where's that smile? Where is it?

Steven cracks into a smile.

DOC (CONT'D)
We have a smile! We have a smile!

Steven is now smiling.

DOC (CONT'D)
There. We're all done. Come back next week and we'll see what else we can do.

STEVEN
Thank you, Doc.

DOC (CONT'D)
Don't thank me, thank the Americans.

I Am Jack's Best Excuse

I'm sore today. Very sore. My back hurts and my knees are aching. Head is fine which I'm suprised about. Jack is suprised too. It's Jack's fault I'm hurting.
Jack doesn't care because Jack doesn't know. He's blissfully unaware. He effects millions of random people nightly and everywhere.
I drink Jack from a plastic cup. Damn you, Mr Daniels! Last time you made me sick into my own underpants and last night you made me go toe-to-toe with one of my best friends in a sumo match at The Planet.
I can't fight. I'm terrible. A swing and a miss everytime. Put me in a rubber fat suit and my skills deplete quicker still.
Matt is sturdy. I tried everything. I used all my force and I couldn't budge him. I tried dirty tactics but he was more than ready for my Wile-E-Coyote tactics.
Jack's Juice made my reactions and my balance all shonky and shitty. I kept slipping on the matt and tripping over my own feet. Matt beat me 3-1.
I'm about as macho as a three day old Kitten.
Anyway, that was that. Fun was had and it will only get better/worse as the weekend chugs on.
The lesson here of course is don't drink too much J.D if you're fighting Sumo-style and don't tell sexy dancers in cages that they 'move like a sexy eel'.
Whatever you do this long weekend, play safe, have fun and use the phrase 'Hot Cribbage' at least once. For me.

Love you like lasers

C-Monkey
xoxox

Greetings from the land of Boredom!

Hello!


I need money for various endeavours so I have come up with some ideas I can sell to various companies. Here are a few of them:

HARSHmellows--Marshmellows with insults on them. Personal ones like "You DO look fat in that dress" and "Your future spouse will be your destruction".

A chocolate selection called 'Empty Promises'. I'm sending this one to Nestle (Fuck Cadbury's). Imagine the advert: "Give her a box of Nestle's Empty Promises and state your half-arsed desires with confection"

Holy Bon Jovi!--A religious musical based around the music of Jon 'Duuuurr' Bon Jovi. It would clean up in the West End.

Fingers crossed.

In other news, I have plans for a rather frenzied Bank Holiday weekend, starting a night early with drinking and dancing at The Planet, Wolverhampton. If anyone happens to be in that area, look for the guy that's dancing like a 12 year old at a wedding. That's me.
Thanks to those who send me info on Channel 4's holler for unsolicited sketches. I have some prepped (Some of them have appeared on this very blog) and ready to (un)amuse the execs on the 'hippiest' terrestrial television station.
Also, I've been trying to find comedy clubs that host open mike spots. I think it's time to bite the bullet and have a bash at stand-up. I've been tempted for so long and I need to know if I can amuse a group of strangers that aren't a)work colleagues b)Close, biased friends. I'm guessing I'll fall flat but the juice could be worth the squeeze.

Aside from that it's all work, work, work and play, play, play.
That's not a bad average, is it?

Warm pats on the head and overbearing man-hugs,

Cbizzle
(Or plain Chris to those not familiar with Snoop speak)

A better post may or may not follow.....

. 

Questions, Questions, Questions and Answers

Cindy-Lou 'tagged' me with these questions and I thought I'd oblige her with answers. Here you go, blog-fans.
You answer the Q's and pass 'em on. I don't normally do this kind of thing but a) It's C.L and b) I'll spare you a silly script today.


Total volume of music files on my computer:

Not many, about sixty. I had to delete some because my computer was running slow.


The last CD I bought was:

Ryan Adams and The Cardinals 'Cold Roses'


Song playing right now:

I'm watching Scrubs at the moment but the LAST song I was listening to was 'Beautiful Sorta' by Ryan Adams. I listened to it on my Zen Mp3. In the bathroom mirror. There was air guitar and everything....What?

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:

1. 'Lover, You Should Have Come Over' by Jeff Buckley
2. 'Pink Bullets' by The Shins
3. 'This House Is Not For Sale' by Ryan Adams
4. 'Go With The Flow' by Queens Of The Stone Age
5. 'Such Great Heights' by The Postal Service


Hmm, who shall I tag?

Searching....


The Steve!

Jon

Stephanie

For those that care, my new black hair.

NOT A SABRE OR A WOOKIE BETWEEN THEM

In honour of 'Star Wars' here this is. It's the short based on the final moments of 'A New Hope' and what might have been..

May the farce be with you.

'NOT A SABRE OR A WOOKIE BETWEEN THEM'

By Christopher 'Cogs' Bate

DEATH STAR-DAY/NIGHT/WHATEVER


EVIL EMPIRE GRUNT GUY
Those foolish rebels and their foolish rebellion! As if they even have the smallest chance of defeating us, the evil empire.


COMMANDER
Don’t get above your station, random grunt. If there is any scenery chewing to be done I shall do it. Look at them out there. They don’t call this the Death Star for nothing. They don’t have a hope.


GRUNT #2
Anyone want any coffee?


COMMANDER
Oh! Number 34, please. What are you having?

GRUNT #1
23.


COMMANDER
What’s a 23?


GRUNT #1
It’s a hot chocolate.


COMMANDER
I’ll have one of those.


GRUNT #2
You don’t want a 34?


COMMANDER
I’ll give it a miss this time. I drink way too much coffee. I want to sleep tonight. I’ve got an early start tomorrow.


Grunt #2 exits.


GRUNT #1
What are you up to the weekend?


COMMANDER
The wife wants to go to a dinner party. I don’t want to go. I hate going to strangers houses. You know how it is, all idle chit-chat. La-de-da’s and ‘how you do’s’. I hate it. “So how’s the Empire?” and “What‘s Old Vader like?”. It’s just so, ugh!, you know?

GRUNT #1
(Chuckles)
Yeah.


COMMANDER
I’ll be happy when this day is over, I’ll tell you know. I’ve got a cracking headache and that racket out there isn’t helping. I’m sorry for snapping earlier.


GRUNT
It’s okay. I know it must be under a lot of pressure at the moment.


COMMANDER
Got it coming from all angles, you know? I’ve got Vader breathing down my neck-


GRUNT
(Chuckles)
-Good one.


COMMANDER
Oh, I didn’t think of that.


GRUNT
I think he puts that on.


COMMANDER
What? The breathing thing?


GRUNT
Yeah.


COMMANDER
I tell you what he DOESN’T put on.



GRUNT
What’s that?


COMMANDER
His powers. I just know he’s going to choke me one day like he did to what’s-his-name upstairs. That’s the thing about this job. You quite literally get it in the neck. One teeny-tiny mistake and it’s (makes choking noise)


GRUNT
That’s why I didn’t apply for it.


COMMANDER
Sometimes I wish I hadn’t bothered. I should have opened that spare parts stall on Rydell Seven. The missus kept badgering me to (Puts on nagging voice) “Join the Empire! Join the Empire!”.

GRUNT
I know what you mean.


COMMANDER
How’s your ‘trouble and strife’ these days?


GRUNT
Didn’t I tell you? We split up.


COMMANDER
No!


GRUNT
Yeah. It was a mutual thing. Well, it was for her. She wanted other things. She wanted to travel the stars and see the sights.


COMMANDER
And you didn’t want to?


GRUNT
I don’t know what I want at the moment. I suppose that’s why I’m a grunt. I’m just a big nobody really.


COMMANDER
Don’t say that!

GRUNT
It’s true. I’m thirty-two years old and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. It’s looking less and less likely that I’ll ever get my band together.


COMMANDER
You hang in there, Brian! I love your music.


GRUNT
You do?


COMMANDER
Yes, I think you have a bright future.


GRUNT
You really think so?


COMMANDER
I do.


GRUNT
Thanks, mate. That means a lot.



A beat. Explosions from the outside.


GRUNT
They’re really going for it out there, aren’t they?


COMMANDER
I wish they’d hurry up and piss off. I want to sneak out early.


GRUNT
They’re optimistic, I’ll give them that.


COMMANDER
They haven’t got a cat in hells chance of winning. (Shouts through the window) We’re a planet, you morons! We don’t have any weak spots!


Grunt laughs.


GRUNT
What about that hole?


COMMANDER
What hole?


GRUNT
That hole. I don’t know if it’s a ventilation shaft or a waste disposal thing.


COMMANDER
I don’t know what you mean.


GRUNT
I’m sure it’s nothing. It’s just me being silly again.


COMMANDER
Where is he with the drinks?



CUT TO:


EXT-DEATH STAR/SPACE-DAY


The Death Star blows up just like in the movie.

Fenwick DuFlease

Hello, all. Some people have complained about the length of my posts of late (Just my posts, before any of you get all 'Carry On' on me) so I thought I'd remedy things by posting up part one of a short film I began to write sometime ago. It was one of the many shorts rejected by the BBC (I love the abuse really)

It's about a man and his talking cat called Fenwick. It maybe a bit long to read in one sitting so you may have to keep coming back (Or you could just give up) Enjoy. Please.

Chris

Fenwick DuFlease

INT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING



Artie Rose, 23 is sat on the floor of his small apartment. His cat, Fenwick is spread out on the sofa.


Fenwick is a very different kind of feline.



ARTIE
Do you think, Fenwick? Do you think I live in a fantasy world?


FENWICK
Sometimes. Oh, your Mom called while you were out.


ARTIE
What did she want?



FENWICK
She said that she's coming home next Friday and could you pick her up from the airport as your sister has to work.


ARTIE
Did you speak to her?


FENWICK
Of course not. I'm trying to keep a low profile. If it got out that I have a firm grasp of the English language I'd be whisked off to some science lab before you could say 'Fritz the Cat'. That would sour our friendship somewhat. Besides, Artie. I lack the opposable thumbs needed to pick up and hold a telephone.


ARTIE
I suppose.


FENWICK
Could I have another lick of Vodka? I'd get it myself but, you know, the thumbs...


ARTIE
You should go easy on that stuff.


FENWICK
I can handle my drink. I can certainly drink you under the table, Mr 'Three-pints-and-I'm-done'.


ARTIE
I told you, I had flu that day.


FENWICK
Yeah, yeah and I'm Garfield.


ARTIE
You're certainly fat enough.


FENWICK
Watch it!

Artie gets up and heads to the kitchen.



TV ANNOUNCER
And now we scrap the barrels of TV hell as we bring you the sixth programme in the on-going series 'When Old People Fall Over'


FENWICK
Ugh, what is this crap?



The programme begins. Cheesy music plays over a montage of various old people falling over in public places. When the credits end we see a studio packed with over excited idiots weaned on the cheap American shows this cultural train-wreck is based on.

The loudest applause is reserved for ERIC FIST. The presenter of this mess. He is thirty-ish and wearing a suit the colour of a hangover. He smiles wide, showing a mouthful of insanely white teeth. He's your typical light entertainer clearly who's in it for the money. (It pays better than the clubs, at least)



ERIC FIST
(Lapping up the applause)
Thank you! Thank you! Hello and welcome to 'When Old People Fall over 6'. Now, in the constant battle between gravity and old age gravity is usually the victor.


FENWICK
God, I wish I had fingers! Artie! Get your hairless behind in her and put East Enders on!


ARTIE (O.S.)
There's no vodka left! Did you drink it all?


FENWICK
I had a few friends over while you were out last night.

Artie pokes his head around the door. He holds the empty bottle to prove his point.


ARTIE
How did you get the top off?


FENWICK
With great difficulty.


ARTIE
We're all out of booze.


FENWICK
Go out and buy some more. You have a job.


ARTIE
You get through more booze than I do!


FENWICK
That's because you're a lightweight.


ARTIE
Why can't you drink water like normal cats?


FENWICK
I prefer the term 'feline'. Cat is such a common word.


ARTIE
(Sits down on the floor, defeated.)
What the hell are you watching?


FENWICK
TV Hell! Put East Enders on.


ARTIE
What is it with you and East Enders?


FENWICK
I like the storylines.

ARTIE
It's depressing.


FENWICK
Exactly! That's what makes it so entertaining. It makes me glad to be a cat.


ARTIE
I thought you hated using the term 'Cat'.


FENWICK
I hate humans using it. I'm allowed to say it.


ARTIE
That's stupid.


FENWICK
You're stupid. You cow.


ARTIE
What?


FENWICK
Like that? I got it from East Enders.


ARTIE
(Changes over to East Enders.)
Aren’t you going out tonight?


FENWICK
Nah, the lads want to stay in. It's too cold apparently.


ARTIE
'The Lads'?


FENWICK
What?


ARTIE
Nothing.


FENWICK
What are you doing tonight apart from obsessing over the perfect romance like some teenage girl?


ARTIE
Nothing. I haven't got any money. I think Ryan might be coming over later on.


FENWICK
Will he bring vodka?


ARTIE
God, you’re an alcoholic!


FENWICK
I was just wondering. What time is he likely to be coming around?


ARTIE
He'll probably be round about 10. He's got to visit his girlfriend.


FENWICK
Satan.


ARTIE
That's right.


FENWICK
Why do we hate her again?


ARTIE
Because she goes out of her way to belittle me every time I see her.


FENWICK
Ahh, yes.


ARTIE
She's a cow.


FENWICK
I LOVE that insult.



Fenwick is distracted by the action on the TV. Two women are screaming at each other. A cat fight is on the dramatic horizon.



FENWICK (CONT'D)
Ouch! Hang on! Two women are having a showdown! I sense a slap coming on. Wait for it.



Peggy gives Pat a tremendous slap. God bless the great British institution that is the East Enders face slap. Whack! Dramatic pause, Extras exchanging glances. Magic.

Artie and Pat cheer.



FENWICK (CONT'D)
I've yet to see that in real life.


ARTIE
What? Two women slapping each other?


FENWICK
Yeah.


ARTIE
Go to the waterfront. It happens every night.


FENWICK
I shall. I've heard it's good for mice down there. So Tibbsey tells me?



ARTIE
Who's Tibbsey?


FENWICK
He's a friend of mine. You'd like him. He's really cool.


ARTIE
Don't you hang around with that white, uh, feline anymore?


FENWICK
Whacko? No, he's with a Siamese cat called Gina. They’ve got a couple of kittens now. Poor sap!


ARTIE
He never seemed like the fatherly type.


FENWICK
He surprised us all.


ARTIE
Do you ever think about settling down?


FENWICK
No way! I'm too young! I've too many wild oats to sow.


ARTIE
Bit of a ladies, uh, cat.


FENWICK
Let's put it this way, if I was human, you'd want to be me.


ARTIE
Are you seeing anyone at the moment?


FENWICK
Kind of, Sort of.


ARTIE
Who is it?


FENWICK
You're so nosey!


ARTIE
You pry into my sex life!


FENWICK
You have a sex life?


ARTIE
You wouldn't leave me alone when I was with Jodie.


FENWICK
Who was Jodie now?


ARTIE
The dark haired girl. I dated her for about six months.


FENWICK
The dog lover?


ARTIE
Yeah.


FENWICK
Oh, she was an oddball! She hated felines! She kept shooing me off and sneezing over me.


ARTIE
She was allergic.


FENWICK
I think I had the last laugh though.


ARTIE
Yeah, thanks for that.

FENWICK
You didn't like her much anyway.


ARTIE
I know, but you didn't have to put a half eaten mouse in her handbag.


ARTIE (CONT'D)
So, who is this pussy then?


FENWICK
(Chuckles)
Her face was a picture.


FENWICK (CONT'D)
Her name is Zooney. She's a bit posh. She likes to play hard to get but, you know, give me time.


ARTIE
I'm sure hard to get is different for cats than it is for humans.


FENWICK
That depends do human girls try to claw your eyes out and hiss at you?


ARTIE
I've had a variation of both.


FENWICK
I think it's kind of sexy. I mean, I've been hissed at before but not like that. I think I like this one.


ARTIE
So you might go the way of old Whacko?


FENWICK
I've told you. I've got too many oats to sow. you should take a leaf out of my book. Life’s too short to spend moping around looking for happy ever afters. You should concentrate on being happy right now.


ARTIE
So you're encouraging me to sleep around?


FENWICK
That's right.


ARTIE
You're incredible.


FENWICK
Thank you.



The phone rings.



FENWICK (CONT'D)
Are you going to get that?


ARTIE
Can't you get it? Just tap speaker with your nose.


FENWICK
I hate talking on the phone.


ARTIE
Why?


FENWICK
Because I'm a cat!


ARTIE
Okay, I'll get it!


FENWICK
Artie gets up and answers the phone.


ARTIE
Hello? Oh hello, Tim. I'm not up to much. I'm just watching telly with Fenwick. Party? Where? Yeah, why not? I'll ask him.



Artie covers the mouthpiece and speaks to Fenwick.



ARTIE (CONT'D)
Do you want to go to a house party?


FENWICK
Yeah, okay.


ARTIE (CONT'D)
(To Tim)
We'll be there.


TO BE FURTHERED....(PROBABLY)

The Steve!!!

Ladies and Gents, I give you THE STEVE!! This man was a stellar star during BUNS AND GUNS day. He runs on the kind of batteries that most of us (including myself) wish they had. Wether it's dressing up as PATRIOT MAN, playing 'Gay Chicken', body popping at Blast Off or taking people to task with his Super Soaker, The Steve!! is the man for all seasons, occasions and heavy, heavy weekends. Here's to you, housemate, here's to you.

BUNS AND GUNS DAY

'BUNS AND GUNS' DAY---(Clockwise from left) Matt, Me, Nick, Jenny, David J and Harry 'H' Davis. MIA and not in frame: Steph (Photographer) and Tom (Late as ever but there in spirit) BBQ, Water fight (Which got brutal at points), Fun fair and, to finish, a night in Wolverhampton.

But Seriously...

Hey folks (If there are any people that still read this drivel),

Sorry for the lack of posts. Things have been crazy (not literally) Crazy person (literally) has finally gone and closed the door behind her bringing a final and much needed conclusion to our sorry little tale of love, loss and lunacy.
Relationships, eh?
Nevermind, as one door closes about ten or so open. Misfortune is a good omen for me, it seems, as from the ashes of misery rises the-
--uhh--
--(Checks book of hackneyed metaphors and similies)-----rises the EAGLE OF GOOD FORTUNE!

(That'll do it)

Things have been jig-worthy of late. I managed to tie up some loose ends and, as fate would have it, meet someone who wasn't at all like I was led to believe (In a good way) and settle things in a MATURE AND ADULT way. (My Mom will be so proud)
I've been something of a naive idiot of late it seems, trying to fix and save someone that can't be fixed or saved. The bird has flown, the ship has sailed and many other 'done and dusted' metaphors. On with the show...
I've been painting the town all kinds of red with my nearest and dearest, discovering new places, bars and situations and enjoying ourselves like it's the right here, right now, because at the end of the day, I'm never going to be Christopher David Bate again (Unless they freeze me and wake me up in the future like in Sleeper which, I'm sure, they won't)
In other news ("WE DON'T CARE! YOUR LIFE IS NOWHERE NEAR AS INTERESTING AS YGWIN!" I hear you cry.) I'm working on some new scripts and stuff to fling in the direction of various contacts. I imagine the BBC have got their 'Thanks but no thanks' letters already written out. Buggers. It'll be nice to see what kind of responses I get when I send 'em off and post 'em up. At the end of the day, if one person digs what I scribble down then that pleases me greatly.
No news on the film. They say no news is good news. Everytime there is a lull in communication with the film company, there always seems to be exciting news at the end of the tunnel. It's gone past the stage where the film can be shit-canned and ignored. You can't stop it now, even if you wanted to, and why would you want to?
I'm looking forward to the arrival of a 'friend' of mine and we are set for a great weekend of fun and frolicals. Perhaps my cheeky housemate will get some pictures to post up on his good ol' blog. I hope you all have a great one. I'm sure you all deserve it.

I've rambled enough.


Take care and do what you do best

Chris


(Abnormal service to be resumed shortly)