The main problem with Yuri is that he's a little angry at times

Another thing I coughed up in five minutes. It's a little nutty but you should really expect that by now. Try and enjoy.

'The main problem with Yuri is that he's a little angry at times'

By Christopher 'high-seas' Bate

INT-THE FIDDLER'S FACE PUB-EVENING


Yuri, a large Viking stands at the bar quaffing ale from a large tankard.

Rupret enters. He shakes off the rain as he comes into the warm pub and makes that strange noise that people often do when they come from the cold into the warm.

YURI
Rupret!

RUPRET
Yuri!


The men shake hands heartily.

YURI
How long as it been?

RUPRET
Too long!

YURI
Red Beard's party.

RUPRET
Oh!

YURI
That was a time.

RUPRET
I fear I may have had one too many Liver Kickers.

YURI
We all played that drinking game.

RUPRET
Oh yes!

YURI
That's what finished me off. I just couldn't think of a person beginning with Z.

RUPRET
That was a hard one. You did take those shots well however. You certainly showed the rest of them how a real Viking drinks!

YURI
I could hardly get into the taxi.

RUPRET
Oh yes!

YURI
And I soiled myself.

RUPRET
Oh dear.

YURI
I didn't pay the penalty though.

RUPRET
You didn't? Did you use your Viking charm on the driver?

YURI
No. I killed him.

RUPRET
We can't take you anywhere!

YURI
(Shrugs)
You know me.

RUPRET
(Chuckles)
I do! I do know you! Do you want a drink?

YURI
A pint of Death Broth would be superb, sir.

RUPRET
Excellent! Bar keep! Two pints of Death Broth!

YURI
With extra death!

BAR KEEP
You mean another dash of blackberry cordial?

YURI
Uh, yes.

RUPRET
(Shakes head)
The young are always so cynical.

YURI
That's a very true observation, my friend. They always have to sour things with their shrugs and their 'whatever’s'. I was walking through the town and I saw a bunch of young people. They must have been in their twenties because they were just hanging around like recently fed sharks. You know how the sharks get when they've had their feed?

RUPRET
-All sluggish and bobbing around.

YURI
They were like that; completely disaffected. One of the young buggers attempted to mock my helmet.

RUPRET
The one you're wearing now?

YURI
Yes.

RUPRET
It's a fine helmet!

YURI
I know!

RUPRET
What did they say about it?

YURI
They said it looked shit.

RUPRET
What?! That's madness! That helmet is carved from the finest oak and bone!

YURI
It's been in my family for centuries!

RUPRET
And they mocked it?

YURI
Well, they don't care do they?

RUPRET
What did you say to them?

YURI
I told them the history of this hat.

RUPRET
-A potted history?

YURI
Well, I condensed it. It would have taken too long and I know their attention span is not very long. I told them about its significance; the combat that this fine helmet had seen.

RUPRET
And did they retract their earlier statement?

YURI
No! The young man just held out his hand and asked me to talk to it.

RUPRET
What does that mean?

YURI
I have no idea, Rupret! His allies seemed to find it highly amusing.

RUPRET
What did you do next?

YURI
I did the only thing I could.

RUPRET
What was that?

YURI

I took his hand with my steel.

RUPRET

What do you mean?

YURI

I cut it off.

RUPRET

Oh!

YURI

I figured I could have a long chat with his hand.

RUPRET

Yuri?

YURI

Yes?

RUPRET

Do you think you may have anger issues?

YURI

What do you mean?

RUPRET

Well, your stories usually end with you either killing or dismembering someone.

YURI

So?

RUPRET

That's why people don't invite you to parties.

YURI

They don't invite me?

RUPRET

They're scared that you'll freak out and start slashing things.

YURI

I'm a Viking! If I can't hack and slash shizzle then what the hell else am I supposed to do?

RUPRET

All I'm saying is that if you want to be invited to more social funtions you are going to have to curb your rage. I have the number of a guy that might be able to help you out. He's a good man. He helped me with my fear of seagulls. You should give him a call. Here's his card.

YURI

Thanks. I'm sorry about, you know, the slayings. I just get really frustrated and this red mist appears-

RUPRET

I understand. Just see what you can do to help yourself.

YURI

Thanks, Rupe. You're a good friend.

RUPRET

No problem, Yuri.

YURI

Allow me to buy another broth.

RUPRET

Bar keep! Two of the same!

There is no response.

YURI

Where is he? I mean, who do you have to kill to get a drink in this place?

RUPRET

Bar keep!

YURI

I'll be right back.

RUPRET

Aw no! Yuri! I wasn't suggesting-Oh, dont-Get me some nuts while you're there! Oh, and a straw!

END

Freakend Frolicals---With added snap, crackle and pop

H's birthday weekend had everything: Pumpkins! Fire! Wine! Gate crashing! Tom trapped in a bin!

We weren't sure how we were going to tackle this weekend as H usually likes to keep his celebrations simple. We totally winged it this year and in doing that the evening was a lot like experimental jazz (But absolutely nothing like it)
We kicked things off with a nice curry (H is a self-confessed spice addict) with the possible plan of going to the Waterfront (Which isn't really our scene) to cap things off.
Lee called us and told us about a house party. House parties are always good, aren't they?

The party involved lots of pumpkins, drink that Lee mashed together which he called 'Gummi Berry Juice' (Lots of vodka and raspberry juice) and the ramshackle fire work display you see above you. All fire work safety went out of the window (Thanks mostly to Gummi Berry Juice). The host, Lee and Sniff began lighting random fireworks at random times. We had to duck for cover most of the time. There's nothing like danger to incite excitement.
One of the many pumpkins was blown up by a couple of roman candles. There was then random pumpkin, mashing, kicking and, if we hadn't have stopped the host, pumpkin death via shotgun.

After checking out the hosts vast selection of music, having a dance on the patio to AC/DC and Judas Priest, we got wind of another party hosted by my friends new girlfriend. Lee asked if we fancied crashing it.

We did.

That party involved: Wine, a snotty band ("We're edgy like Foo Fighters!" Me: "Riiiiight"), a wager between me and Tom as to who could fit into a bin (See above, non-firework related pic), more wine, more pumpkin abuse and Lee breaking bits of wood with various parts of his body. I can't remember that much about the rest of the evening. It keeps coming back to me in flashbacks.

Happy birthday H. Glad you enjoyed it, sir.

Undisputed

I managed to win all three of the team awards, a feat previously unheard in our office.

The Fart Cup, The Comedy Cup and The Absolute Penis Award (A.P.A) all adorn my desk.

My parents will be so proud.

Everybody Clap Your Hands and Say "Yeah!" for the Freakend!

You all strapped in and ready for the Freakend? I'm not sure what I'm up to. Perhaps the beauty is in the unknowing. I know it won't be the usual.

It'll be a little south of there this Freakend.
It's H's 26 birthday.

He is control of the Freakend. Lordy knows what may occur. but we'll be here, there and everywhere (Mostly there)
Not much else to report because I can't seem to remember anything.

'The Thick of It' is a great show.

'Curb...' is killing me (In a good way)

Good news to follow. I'm still waiting for answers. The right answers. if it happens, it'll be so, so sweet and if it doesn't, well, life will no doubt throw something else up in it's stead.

So, until I touch down again, have yourselves a great freakend. I shall try and kick off a 'Freakend Photo's' thing to sate those that love strange and amusing pictures.
Shimmy and shake yourselves silly because you've earned it. Have a dance for me. Make it a grand one.

Love and Har-do-Ken's!,
Christopher Ka-Pow

You set the fire in me, C.B

Why is it that your left headphone always ends up crapping out? How annoying is to have music in one ear and early morning bus banter in the other?
This morning it was a sound clash between Josh Rouse and some Granny complaining about coins, carpets and the price of bacon these days.
At one point they harmonised a little too perfectly. That'll teach me for leaving my other headphones at home. I have to nip down to the town near work to get some new ones for the ride home. I can't go anywhere without music, least of all the bus home and I don't want my faulty headphones to cause Boards of Canada to sync with random school kids talking babbling crap. That would be awful.

In other news, last nights Tom Vek gig was okay. Tom and I had fun at the venue; stealing posters, making dares and coming up with ideas for a new breed of singer called John Goblin.
The support bands were rubbish. One was a crappy singer/song writer who sounded like Pete Doherty in a washing machine. He sang songs about, well; they SEEMED to be about absolutely nothing. ("Today I had a cake, it was nice") the other band just noodled a bit with their instruments and buggered off. Tom and I still had a good time.

---John Goblin! He sings! He raps! His first album will be called 'A Gandalf Don't Come For Free'---

Tom Vek came on. He was okay. He's not as good as he is on record. I don't think his blend of indie /lazy electronica works live. We left early to go and eat something.

Oh My God! and other tales from a freakend gone.

The Steve has already blogged about another hectic Westfield Weekend (Including half naked imagery) but here's my take on the whole damn shebang.

FRIDAY

-Finished a very strange day at work which saw me get told off for wearing my Shins tee. SHINS! There are people wearing metal and football tops and I get told off for wearing a tee with a cartoon skull on it by one the most laid-back bands on the planet! Everybody go '????'.

- Practically ran back to Westfield for a night in. Dyed my hair again which was a lot less ramshackle than the last time. I didn't manage to dye the side of the bath this time or ruin a bunch of towels. I was quite proud of myself. I did a little dance to celebrate this small, but important, personal victory.

- Watched wrestling with The Steve. We played spot the cliché. Refs get knocked out too easy. The WWE needs to invest in tougher guys or invent new and elaborate ways for an official to be knocked out/distracted.

Here are a few new ideas WWE could use:

* Ref gets hit by a piano. Hulk Wins!

* Ref's wife turns up with his kids screaming that he hasn't paid them a penny since the divorce and that empty promises and dog-eared belated birthday cards aren't going to sate the young minds of Britney and Ashton. Hulk wins (But it's a loss for the Fathers for Justice League)

* Referee is carried away by an eagle. Hulk wins.

* Ref loses his faith in fake fighting and walks off shaking his head. Hulk wins.

- Planned a nice early (ish) night and I was just getting into bed when H called and asked if I wanted to come over. My early night became an early morning. Still, best laid plans and all that.

- Went to bed about 4am.


SATURDAY


- Tried to sort out a money order for the copyright office in America. It was fruitless. Apparently, no one has ever wanted to send money to people in America before. The clerks at the post office and the bank looked at me like I'd just asked them to a Bukarki party.

- Disheartened, I had some lunch with The Steve and Nick.

- We went home and chilled out with some music and cartoons. Truman came around and we played Smackdown whilst drinking Bud. ("Look at me! I feel so deliciously white trash!" ten points if you can tell me the origin of that quote) we listened to some upbeat music and watched a few episodes of 'I'm Alan Partridge series 2'

- The Steve said he’d drive to Wolverhampton if we paid him into the club. Sweet deal. We all went up to the Little Civic where we drank vodka and cheap-ass cola.

- Blast Off. We danced and drank a little more. I bumped into some old friends and found that if I sit down for more than five minutes, someone will come over and chat with me. The Steve believes it's the hair that attracts people.

- Had a sing-song on the way back home.


SUNDAY


- Got up late. Visited the folks. The usual.

- Nick and I headed to Birmingham to meet Mans and Laurie for the 'NME Rock and Roll Riot' tour featuring: The Cribs, Maximo Park and The Kaiser Chiefs.

- Thoughts?

The Cribs: Great fun. They were very raw and rowdy. My favourite band of the night.

Maximo Park: Spiky. Lead singer is off his tree.

Kaiser Chiefs: Good stuff. A band you can sing along to. Nick and I changed the words to 'Oh My God' as a tribute to The Steve.

- I got another free tee-shirt (Two in two weeks!) It was a Cribs one. We also got free badges and posters. Freebie fest!

- Nick and I entertained the bus on the way back home.

- Crashed out to one of The Steve's old 'Friends' DVD's.

- That's it. How was your freakend?

Small Talk (Don't Do it!)

I was in the 'Ten items or less' Queue yesterday having picked up some crackers, a tub of cream cheese, milk and Extrovert hair putty. As the lady scanned the cream cheese and hair putty I had the strongest urge to remark; "I'd best not get those two confused, huh?” The zombie-like look on her face told me that such a quip would have been rewarded with the kind of look a dog gives you when you show it a card trick.

In The Little Red Room...

20 Things and More Besides

This week has been pretty cool thus far. Despite a lack of smasher, I have still managed to make the most of things even if it has been just a case of staying in and recharging the batteries.
I was told by a good friend of mine that I needed to slow down a bit. She's right, of course. She always is.

Anyway, this 'rest-up' time has still proven fruitful. I've been doing lots of writing; often flitting from idea to idea without finishing anything but at least it's something.
This random creativity usually results in a load of half finished work on my laptop but at least the seeds are planted. It's nice to doing something productive and not spend too long watching bad T.V and playing Smackdown Vs Raw.
Where, in the spirit of video game longevity I make up my own wrestling story-lines in my head. I suppose this is sort of creative but creative in a pointless kind of way. Where else can you see WWE Superstars fight for their Mother's pride or battle in a 12 man 'Loser gets fired out of a cannon' match?

I digress.

Monday night saw me take part in a 'Focus Group' for Ben Baker's superb radio show 'The Monday Night Fandango'. It was a blast. I'd like to think we added something to the show. (If only to get the phrase 'Ham dagger' on the airwaves.)

Scoot over to Ben's site for more details.

-Had some great and interesting news but I don't want to say anything until it's properly confirmed.

Coolest things I have seen so far this week:

Truman's 'Geek Haven' complete with 'Carry On' bobble heads and replica Light Sabre

Also, as I've been tagged by Sally Smart here my 20 facts (To go along with the 100 I did a few months ago):

20 Things


1) Between the ages of 4-5 I was convinced I was a either a robot or an alien.

2) I love storms. When one breaks out I have the strongest urge to get right in the heart of it; under the least amount of shelter I can find. I've been doing this since I was an infant.

3) When arguing I never raise my voice or resort to personal attacks. I am usually on the receiving end, however.

4) I've been told I apologise to an annoying degree. A lot of the time it's for things I haven't even done.

5) If I could be anyone else in the world I would be my cousin Adam. I've always looked up to him because he's one of the most charming, classy and switched on people you could ever meet. He's like me but miles better.

6) If there is such a thing as romance I have yet to experience it.

7) Sometimes my eyes change colour.

8) When I was 17 I made a punch made of every spirit and booze we could find. I couldn't move for two days afterward. When I was 21 I drank so much J.D that I was sick into my own underpants. I'm not sure why.

9) I have a 'Three text rule'. If after three texts (Over a period) you don't respond, you're off my phonebook. This doesn't apply to close friends and family.

10) Earlier in the year I got into an argument with a band called Towers Of London during which I said something about them being forgotten in two months. They are now one of the hottest bands around. They're still fucking shit though.

11) For someone not that interested in sex I have put myself about a bit (See 6). I don't do that so much anymore. The pillow talk is too awkward.

12) If the writing thing doesn't pan out I have no fall back plan. I haven't planned a 'proper, sensible' career or anything (Much to the chagrin of my parents)

13) Don't get me started on the following topics: Judge Dredd: The Movie, Jaws: The Revenge, The Daily Mail, Chart music or Chavs.

14) I come from a musical family but I think this talent has skipped a generation. I can't sing or play for shit.

15) I have been accused, many times, of not living in the real world. Personally, I prefer La-La land. It's easier.

16) My usual response to the "What do you want for Christmas" question? Note books.

17) Its thanks to my friends and their various lifestyles that I have become so well adjusted and accepting.

18) It may also be because I saw 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show' when I was 9. While most kids cried at the end of Terminator 2 (Arnie giving a ‘thumbs up’ in the molten pit) I was upset by the killing of Frank-N-Furter. H and I share a love of that flick. (No, we don't dress up or anything)

19) When I was six, a friend and I got trapped under the school whilst looking for treasure. I learnt some valuable lessons that day. One of which was don't trust 'maps' written in biro on lined A4 paper or Matthew Shenton.

20) I have a number of small, non-hideous scars on my body, each have an amusing story behind them. (November 21 2004 will permanently remain on my right arm. July 5 2005 on my left shoulder etc) Perhaps one day I will get that shark scar I've always wanted.

Touching Down

Very cool weekend. Where to start? I was going to mix it up a bit and just write a random, non-linear list but, due to my tired and wired nature today, I’d only end up confusing myself. For those that don’t give a fraction of a shit about what my Freakend was like please look away now. You could check out some of the far superior blogs to the right of you (Or at the very bottom of the screen as I’ve heard that the link list has a tendency to move around)
For those that you that enjoy this sort of post, please strap yourself in and prepare for a field day of blah, blah, blah.


FRIDAY

-Upon leaving work I went home with a giddy, ‘Thank Spongebob I’m out of there!’ feeling. I didn’t have much time to really shake off the work day so I quickly grabbed something stupid to eat whilst trying to iron the many, many creases out of my stripy top. I was ready in double quick time. I then realised that everyone didn’t get back for another hour and a half. I watched some ‘Friends’ whilst sulking just a little.

-Perked up when Steve got back. He managed to take me down in the first ten minutes with a sharp spear onto the sofa (Again, I’m talking about the wrestling move not a) An actual spear and b) His nether-rod.)

-Nick turned up with a ‘surprise guest’. I haven’t seen Campbell for a while and it was nice to catch up and shoot the breeze.

-We caught the train to Snow Hill Station and met Matt, Tom and Katrina. We then headed down to Digbeth Town Centre being careful to keep a tight hold of our pockets and not look at any of the troll-like residents for too long.

-We headed to The Barfly and Matt and I spoke to the guy in charge of the guest list. After much page-turning and concerns that I’d been left off the list and would have to PAY to see GLC, they managed to find my name. It was on a page all on its lonesome.

-The barfly is a very small, very indie kind of place. The drinks were insanely expensive before and during gig time but amazingly cheap when the bands stopped playing.

-We saw Zane Lowe chatting in the crowd. This happened a lot during the night and he did float in our direction a couple of times. During GLC he stood next to me and Steve. Steve didn’t realise and bumped him a couple of times. I’m not a big Zane Lowe fan but I did admire his ability to mingle without any “I’m on T.V, get the hell away from me, minions!” type attitude.

-Watched the first band ‘The Morning after Girls’. Only one of them was actually a girl. She was nice. The band was okay.

-Next band: ‘Be Your Own Pet’. Spunky, punky kids. Good fun.

-Goldie Looking Chain came on. I’ve seen them too many times now and the joke has worn a little thin. I went and stood by the MTV2 stand and talked to Be Your Own Pet and clapped along to a body popping contest between Zane Lowe and the female singer of BYOP. The drummer chimed in and won with ‘The Worm’.

-GLC left the stage and a load of people left. Zane Lowe began to set things up for his D.J set.

-Despite some sound trouble at the start and Mr Lowe’s lack of D.J skills (His mixing wasn’t so seamless. His ‘battle cries’ and chants were pretty cool.); some great and good songs were dropped. Some freaky dancing was done. Zane Lowe was our temporary hero.

-Two members of GLC joined our circle for a jig. One of them was out of his tree.

-Tom vanished much to everyone’s worry. It turned out he had used his drunken homing instinct to head to the train station. It was closed so he had to sleep on a bench until 5am.

-We got the night bus home. Trouble is that it didn’t go all the way home. It came to a stop 4 miles from home. We walked the rest of the way. At least we can trust our legs.

-Everyone crashed out and I stayed up for a while. I watched a couple of intriguing programmes made for insomniacs.


SATURDAY


-Woke up in the afternoon. Damn you, intriguing programmes made for insomniacs!

-Thankfully, I had no hangover because I don’t drink anymore. I’m not sure why I expected one. It must have just been out of habit.

-Went to visit my sister. Played with my little Niece; she’s learned a couple of new words and she can now walk around. She proved this by telling me to go away as she kicked me. She was just playing. She’s not one of those brat babies or anything. She’s a sweet kid.

-We went back to Westfield and prepared for the evenings frolicals (This was after a hellish, ill-advised trip to the local Mall where I was reminded that I have little of two things needed at a busy place like that: Money and patience)

-Steve drove up to Wolverhampton so we didn’t have to fuck around with buses. We headed up to Tom’s where we convinced him to join us. He was feeling fragile after the previous evening’s events and he was contemplating an easy night in. This didn’t last long.

-Royal London, The Moon Under Water and then The Little Civic. I had water while the others had Vodka Redbulls. In the Civic we managed to get some free We Are Scientist tee-shirts. Bonus!

-We then went to Blast off and danced lots. The good D.J was on so it wasn’t the usual Brit-Pop hell.

-As it was a celebration of sorts; the boys put up messages on the laser writing that flickers across the back of the stage. “Congrats to Chris Bate on Death Rides the Nine being made” and “Chris: “That’s why they call me Grim”.

-We came home and I watched MTV2’s ‘120 Minutes’ until 4am. I made a list of some cool new bands to check out so it was productive insomnia. Also watched about half of ‘Secretary’ and fell in love with Maggie G.


SUNDAY

-Did the usual family visit thing. I saw my Mom who has come back from Cyprus for a couple of weeks.

-Went to visit H. He’s had two kittens. One of which he has chosen to name ‘Raffles’ in honour of our stray feline friend.

-Played UFO/X-COM for the later part of the evening. It’s an old strategy game I used to have when I was a kid. I have to finish it as an adult. It’s so damn hard though!

-Had a massive sleep.

Get Thee Behind Me, Saturday.

T.F.I Friday, huh?

Despite a severe lack of cash (Donations welcome) I'm still determined to make this weekend really pop.
Not drinking these days thanks to some glourious natual highs (Caused by a deep sense of self-satisfaction) so I won't need to spend any money on the filthy fall-down water.

It's the Gonzo thing tonight so I'm not sure what the night will behold for me. It's been advertised as a rock and roll fest but I'm not sure if that means it's Uber R 'n' R to if you're on the guest list. I mean, will Mans and I be busting shapes with Welsh comedy rappers GLC or trying to steal their groupies for games of tag and such? Who knows? The way this week has been going we'll probably end up as members of the 'beastie boyos' (NME's nickname, not mine) or running around with Be Your Own Pet.

Nick and The Steve are making much-needed cameos this evening. Perhaps we can do the Franz Dance a day early.
Then there is 'DRTN Rough-Cut Saturday' (Nick says he will come up with a better name)where my good, good friends want to celebrate finally watching the thing have been harping on about for the past two years.

All in all, it should be a shit-hot freakend. If any of you happen to be in the area around this time (Either by mistake or teleporter) then you're welcome to hop on the party train. (I never thought I'd ever say 'party train'. Ho-hum)


RANDOM NUGGETS (OF DOOM):


-Despite his wiley and cunning efforts, The Steve will not 'spear' me.
(Spear in the wrestling sense. Think of it as a very enthusiastic rugby tackle)
Over the tenure of our time at Westfield he has managed to surprise me with a few perfectly executed takedowns.
He tried a couple of times yesterday but I grabbed by lap top. He knows how precious it is to me.

-Go find and go listen to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! Their self-titled album is a strange and compelling thing.

-I hope people aware of the occasion had a decent 'John Peel Day' yesterday.
There were loads of gigs going off all over the place in his honour.
MTV2 and VH2 were goodly enough to celebrate his memory with an evening of decent and varied music that the man himself would have enjoyed.
I mean, how often do you see Belle and Sebastian on those channels these days?

-H is aiming to grow a large (Or largish) beard for his birthday on the 29th.

Happy Freakend, folks.

Winning Days

So, we're at home, The Steve and I. Steve was chatting away on msn and I'd just finished having a bath.

The phone rings. The Steve answers it because I wasn't decent. I assumed it would be yet another "Hey, would you like a new phone/credit card?" kind of phone call.

The Steve shouts up and says it's for me. I assume it's my Mom because no one really calls me on my home phone apart from her.

The Steve says it's a Kristyn from MTV2.

"Wha--?"

He seemed as confused as I. Why would MTV2 be calling me?

It turns out that I had won two tickets to MTV2's Gonzo Tour which is stopping off in my neck of the woods (Well, Birmingham) this Friday. I'm on the guest list to see Goldie Lookin' Chain, Be Your Own Pet and The Morning After Girls. I'm not sure if being on the guest list will enable me to meet any of these people (And Gonzo's own Zane Lowe--If only to mock and possibly slap) as I've never been on any kind of guest list before.

**American Peeps: MTV2 is an indie rock channel over here. I understand that MTV2 in the U.S is a lot like MTV (Well, when MTV played music videos instead of shit like 'The Pointless Diary of Ashley Simpson' and that horrible, horrible Newlyweds show)**

So that should be something to do this Friday and it should kick off a weekend of film-based celebration. Tom feels that the rough cut of 'Death..' warrants a big, big night on the town.

Like I'm going to say no to that.

Aside from having little or no cash this has been another interesting and eventful week. It wasn't long ago that nothing ever happened...Why was that again?


Chris

Oh, and Congratulations to Blair for passing his driving test. I'm guessing you'll have a pimped-out ride on the road in now time, blasting out J-5 and scaring Grannies. Well done, sir.

And get well soon Anna.

"So here I am, drinking with Death"

Death Rides the Nine

Those of you that have been visiting this blog for a while will be aware of the film I wrote called 'Death Rides the Nine' last night, for the first time, I watched the film in its entirety. It was a rough cut, meaning that music, effects and one scene was missing (More on that later) but it was there for me to see what Mallory and his crew had made of my wordy little script.

It's great. I'm not just saying this because I wrote it. I watched it 'outside' of myself, so to speak. I watched it as I'd watch any movie. My brother was also there as an excited second opinion.
It's the kind of film I enjoy: small, dialog-ridden, funny but with heart. It's framed wonderfully, both leads really shine; the lesser-characters (Bus man and Bartender) had been beefed up and had moments to call their own.
Sam and Grim had the kind of chemistry that I had only previously dreamed of. They played off each other well. That was always the key to the film because it's all about them, exchanging stories and bonding over drinks. To be honest, the film is far better than the original draft because it has more
flair. There are some great flashbacks (To break up the talk): Grim's audition with God and Satan got some big chuckles and the party scene was a series of short, sharp cuts which see our 'hero' drink himself into the boot of his future girlfriends car.
The missing scene had the voice over but not the animation. The film becomes animated for a scene halfway through.
The film still has a lot of the in-jokes and personal references in there. Some of which, a year on from when they were first written, stung a little. I think this helps to give the film that emotional tug. It may be a testament to my lack of imagination (Or large ego) that the lead character is basically myself. Well, myself two years ago.
I really think people are going to enjoy it. I'm not proud of much in my life but this is something I can cling to. This is what I've always wanted. It doesn't have to be huge or successful (Although the company may rightly share that notion) it’s a great little thing that I've done that's going to stay with me. This is my 'Dare to be great' moment.
I hope you all get the chanced to check it out. If only to see an American film that features the line:

"--Well, I'll be buggered if I'm going to shift it"

-The polished version is going to be shown October 31st.

-There is then loads of paperwork and red tape to work through before it begins to do the festival rounds.

Thanks for putting up with my gushing. I’m a little excited at this stage.

Chris

What's my view (Well, how am I supposed to know)

Things that have shaped my world this weekend (In no real order):


-The worlds SLOWEST work day. Seriously, it seemed like I was there for days. It just dragged and dragged. I felt like a newly released prisoner when I got out. The torture was relieved by the people around me and some nice words from a good friend.

-I was also spurned on by the fact that I was having a small, casual gathering at my house for anyone who wanted to drop by. The plan was to drink, listen to music and play conkers. A game mostly played by children in playgrounds (Until they banned it for being 'unsafe'. Jeepers.)
It has more jape potiential as twentysomethings because a) We can drink while doing it and b) It takes on a rogueish, hardcore, Fight Club-type element to it. (More on that in a mo-mo)

-I met D.J at Merry Hill and we shopped for random items. He had brought a couple of bizzare b-movies (Gore, Gore Girls was one of them.) while he was waiting foe me. We went to the Pound Shop. We brought Laces (For the Conker bouts), A few Halloween items that included: Tacky bat glasses, big green claws and a hook-hand thing.

-We then went back to mine and watched some amusing internet clips on Ebaums World. The G.I Joe spots being our particular favourite chuckle-inducers.

-Blairo/Dirk Coolington came over and we watched and re-watched a few clips before preparing the conkers (Collected by Mark a few days prior) for what we would later call 'The Westfield Conker Fest 2005' (Well, I would). Nick came over and we all began to whack our nuts off each other (Please see the conker link if thou are confused or disturbed by what I just typed).
David J had a cracking start. He had a massive conker that tore through our efforts. He couldn't be stopped. H joined us and we all enjoyed various (but short) victories. Nick was the overall winner just like he was last year. Truly, he is the Hulk Hogan of Conkers.

-We then nursed our injuries from numerous overzealous, competitive swings and watched crappy T.V. We started watching Beetle Juice but that quickly got boring. It did spark some interesting commentary however:

"I wouldn't mind a go on Catherine O'Hara"

"Winona hasn't changed a bit since this film, acting wise."

-Everyone went home about Midnight-ish (Told you it was casual) because they had early starts in the morning. I crashed out watching 'Garden State'. I fell asleep after the credits and woke up at the very end.

-This morning I woke up twice. Once in my dream and then properly. In my dream I woke up in a place I wouldn't want to ever, ever wake up again. I woke up thanking Hicks for it being just an early-morning nightmare. Speaking of Hicks, D.J won a ebay auction last night for a DVD full of 40 hours of Bill Hicks stuff. How cool is that?

-I brought a nice hat. Nick said it looked cool and 'very indie'.

-I lost the hat that very evening. I moped about it for the rest of the night.

-I got refused entry to Blast Off because I was apparently "too drunk". Pah! We ended up going to The Planet instead. It was heavier, more upbeat but I lost my hat. The night was something of a blur after that. I was a real baby about it. I loved that hat.

This exchange happened in the cab home. The indian guy driving found me and my 'I lost my hat drunken tandrum' amusing. It was pearls of (un) wisdom like this:

"So, you lost your hat?"
"Yeah, someone stole it! Some bugger stole my nice new hat!"
"Were they white or black?"
"White, most likely. Some cracker stole my cool new hat!"

Sounds of everyone else in the cab, slapping their foreheads in disbelief. Sounds of a taxi guy wetting himself.

See, this is why I don't usually drink.

-Woke up with a sore head and a strong feeling of shame.

-Mark called me from work to see how I was holding up. He told me that I'd thrown my hat into the crowd. Eep.

-Nick, Tom and I went to watch Serenity. Good film.

-Crashed out watching Takeshi's Castle. This brings us up to now.


So, how was your weekend?

Vikings On The Town

Came up with this in just under five minutes whilst bored. I hope it provides chuckles.

Two Vikings, Rudy and Kellogg are sat in a dirty old tavern. They are quaffing meats and big mugs of the filthy fall down water.
They are merry.

RUDY
I like being a Viking.

KELLOGG
Me too.

RUDY
Do you know what I like best about it?

KELLOGG
Ooh, I couldn't really put my finger on that, Rudy. You seem to take a lot of pleasure from it.

RUDY
I'm a big fan of boats. Big boats! Great galleons that cut through the ocean.

KELLOGG
Yeah, that's cool. You know what I like?

RUDY
Do tell.

KELLOGG
Quality meats.

RUDY
Ahh!

KELLOGG
I like feasting on the finest foods. I think that food and rink is far better when it's been pillaged. It adds a certain spice, don't you think?

RUDY
You're quite right. I like meat. If I had my way I would eat nothing but meat until the God's came home.

KELLOGG
And ale! Oh, how I love my ale!

RUDY
A Viking without his ale is like a monk without a cross.

KELLOGG
True, true! You know what else I like?

RUDY
Do tell!

KELLOGG
Beards! I like growing them, tending to them. A beard for me is like a uniform. It tells all and sundry that I am a Viking and I'll vike the hell out of anyone who says otherwise!

RUDY
That beard looks fantastic on you, I have to say.

KELLOGG
Do you think so? I've coloured it. It was a bit darker before. I have exaggerated the red.

RUDY
It looks like a very appealing fox has been glued to your carefully-crafted chin.

KELLOGG
You're not the first to say that.

RUDY
I'm not?

KELLOGG
At least four people have made such a remark.

RUDY
(Glumly)
Oh.

KELLOGG
You put it the best though.

RUDY
(Smiles)
Thanks!

KELLOGG
So, uh, what do you want to do after this place closes?

RUDY
What time is it now?

KELLOGG
I'm not sure. I cannot see the moon from here.

O.C BARMAN
It's ten to eleven!

RUDY
Almost time to call it a night. Shame really because I was up for a night on the town. That new bar has opened up. It’s called 'Yonders'. Its two-for-one drinks for Vikings on a Friday.

KELLOGG
What's the music like?

RUDY
It's progressive lute.

KELLOGG
I'm not a fan of that kind of music. I'm more for drums and fiddles.

RUDY
We could go to 'The Long Boat'.

KELLOGG
What's there?

RUDY
Karaoke.

KELLOGG
Sweet! Let's do that.


The two Vikings down their drinks, grab their coats and start to head for the door.


KELLOGG
I'm going to sing 'Love Me Do' if they have it.

RUDY
I've heard you do a good version of that.

KELLOGG
Well, I don't like to toot my own horn.

RUDY
We could do a duet.

KELLOGG
That would be fun.


They exit.

Posticles

FACTION:

-I've been resting up. Not at full 'Yee-Ha!' strength yet but it's getting easier to talk without Coughing/Choking/Sneezing on some poor soul.
-Tonight H, Tom and myself are going to see 'Land of the Dead'. We're suckers for a good zombie flick (Or a bad one). After that it's all back to H's for 'Lost'. I missed last weeks episode because of the Babyshambles gig and I promised H that we would watch the series from start to finish together (Kind of like an extended version of our 'Lord Of The Rings' pact from a few years ago)
I remember we did this a few years ago for 'The Stand'. We all used to gather together, every week for the latest episode. We were there for the last 'WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF STUPID ASS ENDING IS THAT? WHAT'S WITH THE LOTTO HAND KILLING EVERYONE?'
Apologies for anyone who hasn't seen that show. It's not very good. I has Clarence Bodicker from Robocop in it ("Can you fly, Bobby?") The dude that's now in 'That 70's Show' with that WANKER Ashton 'If he ever Punk'd me I'd shove that trucker cap down his throat and fire him out of a cannon' Kutcher.
Where was I? Yeah, so that's what I'm up to. You can join us if you want. I won't try the old Popcorn trick. I plomise. I absolutely plimise.

Hee hee.

FICTION:

Think about this, y'all (Random thoughts of a restless mind):


-Chris Tucker opening 'Chris Tucker's Tuck Shop'

-Bruce Willis swearing at a birds nest whilst Uma Thurman pretends to be a goose. Hugh Grant watches on, embarrassed by the whole affair.

-When I am famous I want my feet replaced with wheels.

-Box.

-*********

-Christ I'm bored.

Tagged Once Again

Mrs Coogan (A.K.A The Future Mrs Folk) tagged me (After I complained about being left out. Man, I'm such a baby)

She wanted to know what songs I'm listening to right now (Not at the same time. I'm not Wayne Coyne).

Here they are IN ALL THEIR GLORY!

1) Editors---Blood
2) Ryan Adams and the Cardinals--A Kiss Before I Go
3) Okkervil River---For Real
4) Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!----Clap Your Hands
5) Bob Dylan--Isis


I won't tag anyone because you're all probably sick of this sort of thing by now but if you want to tell me what's tickling your pickle musically then please feel free to drop words into the comments box.

I'm always open to new music (And car key parties)

Goodbye, Sir.

With regards to the passing of Ronnie Barker, I think Ben put it best.

Another, more upbeat post, a little later on. I have some random ideas I want to fling at you.

Do the chickens have large talons?

Today I decided to relieve the Monday Blues by talking to my co-workers in the style of Napoleon Dynamite and sticking Dom's stationary to his desk. I'm still full of cold so I'm trying to cheer myself up in the only way I know how---being weird.

****

Todays Random Idea:

MOFO'S

A Hip-Hop Chip Shop.

"From the Ghetto to your guts"

****

More may follow. I have lots to tell but I'm not sure how to put it down.

Shenanigans

FRIDAY


-After work I rolled over to Tom's for beer and banter. We watched a bunch of amusing internet clips (Which mostly consisted of people scaring each other with airhorns) and bits of 'No Direction Home' which blew me away. I have to get the DVD. Dylan rules, no question.

-Tom and I had a 'state of the union' type conversation about what we are doing and where we are going. Plans were made and wheels were set in motion. These plans sounded better after beer. After a fair few, we had formed a band. Again.

-Crashed out watching Bo Selecta.


SATURDAY


-Woke up with a major cramp thanks to adopting an awkward position on Tom's couch.

-Fast forward to some pre-evening shenanigans at Westfield. Truman came down and we had a few blasts on Smackdown Vs Raw whilst drinking some cheap Red Bull knock-off.

-Nick joined us and The Steve! said that he's join us at Blast Off. The Steve hasn't been out with us for a dogs age so it was good to see him throw shapes and jump around like the old days (i.e two months ago)

-The music was a bit crappy again though.They must have played The Killers four times. I'm starting to think that there is not even a D.J up there, just an obvious 'Indie For Dummies' CD.

-Heard some interesting news about someone I used to know. (You never change do you, pickle? Vicious circles indeed.)
-Saw an old friend I haven't seen for ages. He lost his glasses in the fray and ended up having to dance blind (Literally). It was a valiant effort.

-Truman gave me some good news (See earlier posts)

-Oh, and that reminds me; I love Channel 4. Really. Best channel ever. No question.;)