WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

THREE

'OCCUPATION'

KYLE
Aye. Why don't you give me a whirl? I could be the Robin to your corporate Bat Man.

How BAZAAR

This is the night where I attempt, as if by magic, to make a room full of strangers laugh at my prattle.

"How was last night?"

"Oh, you know, the usual"

I seem to have become more appealing to the opposite sex.

I'm as stumped as anyone.

Good Stuff

Stephanie sent me a hardcopy version of 'A Girl Called Simplicity' along with notes added in biro all the way through. I always send Stephanie my stuff because I value her opinion, honesty and musical input.
She's my 'proof reader' and she would make a great manager/agent because she genuinely seems to care about the stuff I crank out. She also helps to give me faith in my scibblings and I've really, really started to love the finished results.
For the first time in years, I'm proud of my creative side. I no longer believe that 'Death Rides the Nine' was some kind of fluke. I hope I get another shot at entertaining people. I don't want wads of cash or fame or anything like that (Good job really).
I'd do it for free.
With that in mind, I've put myself down for a stand-up comedy night in Birmingham despite having no real stand-up comedy experiance.
Oddly, it came about from the recent Great Lake Swimmers gig. It's something I've always wanted to have a bash at and something I should get out of my system. I'm sure I'll be awful but I shall try to be 'rock and roll' awful.
If I haven't pimped it enough, you can read the second episode of my ongoing surreal, banter-based comedy HERE
The first episode is can also be read at the rather splendid TWO NIL BLANK BLANK site. Read it HERE if ye be bored. They're not long and, as usual, your thoughts are appreciated.

A few things I'm excited about: Corinna emailed to say that she will be sending out one of her cool sock monkeys very soon. Her sock monkeys totally rule and she has made one for La Steve and I. I'm going to take the little guy everywhere! Well, everywhere except work. It'll be way too cool for that place!

I'm heading down to glorious Brighton to see Stephanie. We are going to see Sleater-Kinney and have a few chuckles.

Before that there is a trip to Ramshackles on Friday and other housemate Mark's birthday bash at Reflex. Reflex is one of those tacky eighties bars and not really my scene at all. I can't imagine enjoying a neon-filled night with Wham!, The Human League and Culture Club.

*SHUDDER*

Still, it's a friends birthday so maybe I can bite the bullet. Maybe. I believe there is a bet on as to whether I will attend. The Steve has said that I won't. Maybe I can make my departing friend a little pocket money.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

EPISODE 2

'MY OTHER CAR IS A GALLEON'

The Da Vinci Code isn't a hip-hop movie! Why was I not informed?

Who is Dan Brown anyway?

Bang!

The weekend went by in a crazy blur of the usual. It was good to get back to normal with a better frame of mind; worries and concerns all but gone (For now at least)

Here's a round-up of what doings a-transpired (It's been a long time since I quoted The Simpsons):


* Blair came over on Friday and we drank tea, listened to music and watched a few films. We watched 'Sane Man' on DVD, 'Ninja Batchelor Party' on YOU-TUBE and 'Poltergeist' on TCM. That movie loses its edge when you change the story to suit your own surreal needs. Our version featured haunted private parts, ghostly 'Cuppa Soups' and a high kicking, sing-song finale. If Tobe Hooper had gone with our version he would surely have had a (s)hit on his hands.

* I woke up after a surprisingly good sleep to catch 'In Good Company' whilst having my breakfast. I finished writing a short film called 'Feelings and Animals’ and had a nice chat to Jon before my brother came round and it was time to get ready for our night in Wolverhampton. We wanted to get out early rather than just hang around. It was 'STE-DAY' after all.

* We hit a couple of bars first: The Royal London and The Little Civic, drinking whatever took our fancy and requesting whatever songs we wanted to hear. Our friend was DJing at Blast Off so we knew that good music would be assured and that there would be a welcome change from the usual Brit-Pop balls.

* It gets a bit blurry. There was dancing I know that much. I know I did something stupid because my knees are cut and bruised. I imagine it was a vicious dance floor slide. I'll never learn. I remember dancing with The Steve and I also remember getting lost. It's all a bit foggy.

Deary me.

I remember being social, letting some strange girl wear my hat and bumping into Kerry from my office who was strangely less flirty and fun outside of the office. I figured it would be the other way around.

Nick and I then headed to David J's house party after Blast Off closed at 2:30am. We arrived there and carried on for a few more hours. I wanted someone to power bomb me through the plastic garden table as I felt it would be a "good video to have on peoples phones". This didn't happen. It was probably for the best.

* We passed out watching Lee Evans XL and I woke up dangling off a sofa with Lister, the resident big lizard, staring at me through the glass of his enclosure.

* Went home, showered and tried to kill the evil hangover before I saw my folks, played with my niece (She didn't help the hangover and I didn't have the energy to play that much) and headed out to Birmingham to see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Har Mar supported with his new rock band Sha Na Na. They were cool. You've gotta love Har Mar, haven't you? Despite those terrible Lynx Click adverts he did.
The Services were the second support. Mans was right when he said "I bet it'll be some loud, arty New York band". They were awesome though, really crazy. They played fierce electro that had lots of shouting and symbol bashing. The cool, suited up older guy (Who looked a bit like Billy Zane) drank from a mug which endeared them further. Mans was moved to say: "If that's tea in that mug then that's absolute rock and roll". It was beer (Mans was disappointed). They were still quality though.
YYY were cool. Karen O is a wild cat. Despite her ill-advised bowl 'do, she's an excellent front woman who has been on my personal 'To Do' list for quite some time. (I like them feisty and freaky what can I say?) They were awesome live and did all the good stuff. 'Art Star' and 'Bang' were my personal highlights. I'm a sucker for the old shit.

I fully intend to at least rest a little tonight.

I hope you all had smashing weekends.

Some songs currently kicking around in my head:


The Greatest by Cat Power

Art Star by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Numbers

Another one of these old things. Stole from Anna's myspace.


LOST YOUR VIRGINITY - 21

LOST SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU - As in Death? Once.

DRANK ALCOHOL - 14.

GOT KISSED - 12. Sarah-Jane. Back of the couch returning from a school outing to Yorvik Viking Centre. She wasn't all that impressed. I've improved a little since then.

WENT TO THE HOSPITAL - Last year when I had a huge allergy attack and my throat closed up. I was on holiday too. Bummer, huh?

GOT YOUR HEART BROKEN- 23

LOST A PET - 13. Rowdy, my beloved hamster.

GOT ARRESTED - I've been good on that score.

BROKE A BONE - Never

GOT A JOB - 16

WENT TO A CONCERT - 16. Prodigy at Wolverhampton Civic Hall

MET SOMEONE FAMOUS - 12. Robert Plant at my house.

GOT IN A CAR CRASH - 8

DYED YOUR HAIR -- 18 (Blonde) 25 (The colour it is now) The latter is a little more stylish.

RODE ON AN AIRPLANE - 18

WENT TO ANOTHER STATE - I've been to a few mental states. Anxiety Town is not a great state to be in.

GOT A TATTOO - None. I'm thinking of having one though. ALthough, I've been saying that for ages..

GOT PIERCED - 12 (Ear) and 17 (Top of ear) Rock and roll, eh? I once considered getting my nipple done but that was silly peer pressure and my nipples are pretty small (Did I just reveal too much?)

SMOKED POT - 18

SMOKED A CIG - Never

WENT TO DISNEY LAND or WORLD: Fuck Disney!


LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS HAVE YOU BEEN IN - 20-25 (On and off and on and off and on and off)

TIMES DATED DIFFERANT RACES - Not dated exactly. I've had a load of crushes though.

TIMES HAS YOUR HEART BEEN BROKEN - One and a half

TIMES HAVE YOU PASSED OUT FROM DRINKING - Once properly. Ask Anna.

PETS DO YOU HAVE - None at the moment. There was talk of Steve and I getting a hamster. It was a little strange. Two twentysomethings co-owning a hamster. Can you imagine what the person behind the counter at Two by Two would think?

PEOPLE DO YOU HATE - I don't really hate people. I did but that was childish. It's certainly silly to hate someone you've never met but only heard of. I'd like to slap a few people; Danny Cannon, the none-genius who ruined Judge Dredd with a terrible film version in '95, Towers of London...

TIMES HAVE YOU GOTTEN DUMPED - Twice by the same girl. It seems crazy now considering the person.

TIMES HAVE YOU DUMPED SOMEONE - None...why does that say about me exactly?

Hey, it's Friday!

You're all wonderful and I love that you all read/comment here. It warms the cockles it does! It's been much, much needed of late.

This made me smile beyond belief.

(My Mom is very proud of me.)

Happy Freakend, folk and folkettes!

If you're hitting a bar order something different, down it and dance a dance for me.

I'll do the same.

Here's to the rest of the world!

~~C~~

Three

I blatantly stole this from Ben Baker's blog like some kind of cheeky ideas magpie. I thought it would be fun to do and good to share in space of a 'proper' post.



THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:

Christopher

C-Bizzle

Vorpal Spaz-Kendall

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:

My laptop is my girlfriend

It's just a ride

Baron Saladback

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

Eyes

Hair

I'm stuck

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

My podgy gut

My nose

My red cheeks

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:

Newcastle

West Midlands

Insecurityville, U.K

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:

People forgetting me

Play-Doh

Creative failure

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:

Tea

Notebook/Laptop

Creative Zen

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:

Activision 'Dropping the Bomb KABOOM!' top from t-shirts.com

Blue jeans

My Grandfather's old black shoes (Can't wear trainers at work)

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:

Ryan Adams

Jeff Buckley

Okkervil River

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:

For Real by Okkervil River

Lover, you should have come over by Jeff Buckley

Once Around the Block by Badly Drawn Boy

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:

Love

Laughter

Truth

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
My favorite t-shirt was ruined in a bizzare drinking accident involving strange brews and a bird table. It was all to impress a girl called Anna.

When I was 19 I was asked to write a short film for Waterstones after saying that I was an older, more experianced writer. It was called 'She looks nicer in September' and it was part of an anthology called 'Butterflies'. It never took off.

I once had sex in a crypt

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:

Eyes

Hair

Lips

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:

Writing

Telling stories in crowded rooms to anyone that wants to listen

Wolverhampton


THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:

Kiss someone

Quit my job

Go to America

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:

Writer

Stand-up comic

Zoo keeper

THREE KIDS NAMES YOU LIKE:

Simplicity

Emma

Lauren

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:

(This is quite tough)

I watch wrestling sometimes

When drunk, I think I'm the greatest thing ever (Or the worst)

When I'm ill I'm OTT

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK:

It takes me ages to do my hair and I enjoy playing with it.

I can make a molehill into a mountain.

I love shopping for things to wear on my wrists. I have a draw full of beads, straps and bangles.

(To be fair, these are hardly the actions of a modern woman. Well, maybe the last one is)

THREE CELEB CRUSHES:

Anna Faris

Britney Murphy

Ben Baker

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:

Entertain on a grander scale. Maybe another film or something.

Fall in love for real.

Swim with sharks.

Click

Bodies, Minds and Other Hap-Hazards

Stephanie came down and we saw Great Lake Swimmers. We sat cross-legged on the floor of the amazingly intimate venue, shuffled closer when they asked and basked in the beauty of the music.
They are nice chaps. Erik Arneson, the banjo player, was very chatty and we brought some records and a badge from him whilst we wagged chins about Brighton, bands and wether or not he should buy some Brian Jonestown Massacre records.
The support act Levi Weaver was very cool too and worth checking out. He was charming, sincere and performed an inspired cover of Radioheads 'Idiotque'. We brought his record from him and had it signed for good measure. He and my brother seemed to get on very well. Nice guy.

Also, I've contributed to TWO NIL BLANK BLANK BLOGAZINE. I'd like you to read it.

Please do. It's HERE

I'm still a little 'off' but things will get better or at least I'm hoping so. For those that have sent well-wishes and made kind comments, thank you. I'm pretty embarrassed about posting about the 'downers' (Thats a mild way of putting it) but I need an outlet.
~~C~~

!

I'm having a real blockage of creative thought at the moment. This always bugs me because writing is the only thing that a) I completely enjoy b) I don't have a 'thrilling' social life anymore (my choice) and c) It helps to keep me alive.

Still, the weather is pretty nice for a change. This monumental event brings a cheery side to the British public; the mood lightens with the sky. Saggy, beer-bellied men walk around with their football shirts off and the jangles of thousands of eager ice-cream vans can be heard. It makes me wonder what these guys do on the gloomy days.
Blair asked me to write down some new bands for him to check out. It was better than working or staring at my notebook praying for a single story idea to emerge from the empty box that is my mind. I managed to fill a page of good bands fairly quickly. If nothing else, I have a good ear for decent music.
I think I'm going to have to visit the docs again. The mood swings I've been having lately are very similar to the type that almost toppled me in 2003/2004. They're not related to anything or anyone (Because that would be too easy) but the moods swing from "I'm great! I love life! I'm going to make myself and my family proud!" to "I'm shit! I hate life! I'm going to throw in the towel"

Now you may be thinking "What a melodramatic prick" and you'd be at least half right. I've harped on about this for way too long. I can't deny that I'm disappointed with myself and the way my life has turned out. I should have at least made a PLAN B. PLAN A is failing. To be fair, making it as a comedy writer was never the most sensible of career choices and certainly one I should have grown out of by now. I should perhaps have concentrated on the 'real' things; My relationship, relationships in general. People seem to be shacking up and marrying their well-suited partners and I'm floundering like a twelve year old at the school disco waiting to be danced with (Or, in my case, a pity dance from a pretty girl). I'm going to be one of those sad, drunken old fuckers that you find in bars; rambling on about their supposed 'glory days', how I could have been something, how one terrible woman messed me up so badly that I can't trust anyone....all that shit. Maybe that's who I am now (Although, I'm not drunk)
I don't know where I'm going with this. Believe it or not, I'm still smiling and the day is going well. These are just inner thoughts coming out. I'm not trying to bum anyone out; in the real world or in blogger land. I'm not that guy. My problems, my bullshit should be no one's concern but my own. Whatever happens, it will be nobodies fault but my own. I should have stopped living in the clouds after I left college. If I could have been more level-headed I could have told Helen how I really felt about her. I wouldn't have the regret I have now and I could have by-passed a girl who, despite becoming an ex some time ago, still continues to kill my spirit (I should never have offered that olive branch). These kind of mistakes are my absolute undoing; I let a 'kamikaze' woman take me down, I foolishly believed that DRTN would take me to places that I wanted to be and that I would be able to make my family proud permanently and not just for one evening, I have been earning more money than I do now if I wasn't so concerned with 'selling out' and jeopardising PLAN A.
I'm so sick of being surrounded by soulless, vapid grunts everyday of my life. I'm tired of dancing to the beat of the corporate drum; smiling through gritted teeth as yet another bullshit rule is enforced by some smug, self-satisfied idiot that laughably claims to be my 'superior'. I'm upset that so many people with promise and talent will be stuck in these terrible occupations, working for a peasants wage whilst some untalented hack motherfucker gets all the creative glory and riches. If this was a wonderful world Tom fucking Cruise wouldn't be headlining movies, that fake, white smile of his would be selling sheds. Jesus, you could find better actors in a nativity play.
Again, I'm sorry for harping on but shit has gotten pretty twisted these past few months and it really feels like I'm running out of time, patience and steam.
There is good in my life so i'm not completely ungrateful. I have great friends and family. I treasure my newer friendships and I'm looking forward to Stephanie coming to visit. I'm not going to bum anyone out. I've been trying so hard to get fixed for years now. I hope it's not too late to get sorted before my 'cut off' age (30). I'd like to see my niece grow up. Hopefully, she won't take after her Uncle.

Congratulations to Mr Steven House on his good news. Click here for the scoop on his fantastic new life developments.

We had a grand old time at Alton Towers yesterday. The weather was nice and the park was quiet enough for us to go on all the best rides without waiting in huge lines. If you ever go to Alton Towers go on 'Rita: Queen of Speed'...fastest ride I've ever been on.

Dear Adam

Cousin,

Good to hear from you all the over there in America Land.

Your email came at a good time as I have been staring at my screen and not really doing much. I’ve been busy in my own world (as usual) because work doesn’t really cut it for me. I’ve been sitting on my hands waiting for other, more appeasing things to unfold. It’s a little frustrating because people seem to be taking AGES to get their shit together. The BBC has been playing a very annoying game of cat and mouse. I’m starting to feel like Alan Partridge (“I want a second series”) The thing is, I WILL dance in my boxers if they’ll give me a shot (on T.V, not ‘in the mouth’)

We’ll see how it goes I suppose.

I have been checking out new bands. That’s where most of my not-so hard earned money goes. I went to the NME New Bands show last night and saw The Howling Bells (Lovely stuff) I Forward Russia (Excellent) Automatic (Generic indie band #892) and Boy Kill Boy (Dull with BAD hair). I saw Teddy Thompson in Brighton with Stephanie a couple of weeks ago and that was good. I’m going to see the Great Lake Swimmers on Saturday and Sleater-Kinney at the end of the month. I’ve been really digging the following bands: Tapes N Tapes, The Ralfe Band, Two Gallants, Wintergreen, The Organ and The Young Knives. You may have heard of both of them as your musical palette is rather refined (Thanks again for kick starting my Okkervil River/Shearwater obsession)

I’d love to come over to Asheville. I’ve really got to start moving around a little more. I do travel but I haven’t had adventures overseas for quite some time (I’ve had adventures on the high seas, however.)

Enough of my fat prattle, I hope you and your wife are well (Wow, how strange is that to write down? You big grown ups!)

Manly Love,

Chris

Dig

Pimp My Self

Hey, cool people

The freakend is here once again (Mine started at 12 p.m because I have a half day) i managed to get of the office and into the sunshine before anyone else. I'm British, we have to make the most of the good weather because it doesn't happen all that often.

Not much has been going on. I've been recovering from a horrible cold which has kept me sneezing and snifling for most of the week. I think I've killed it now with various remedies...just in time for the freakend.

It'll be the usual happenings this weekend, back to basics; Ramshackles tonight and most likely Blast Off tommorow. I haven't danced for a while and I miss it.

It's good to be able to look at a computer screenw ithout my eyes watering. I can start writing again! I have lots to do!

I sent Stephanie a copy of a script I've recently completed to see what she thinks. I value her opinion and she has become my proof reader! I hope she likes it but her view, good or bad, will be appreciated.

How rude are the BBC? Fuck, they show interest and then get all coy. It's like dating

"We really like you, can you give us a call?"

I do and then get NOTHING. I email and get NOTHING.

Then I hear from someone else

"They really dig you. You should give them a call"

I call, email etc and get, you guessed it, NOTHING!

Come on, Beeb. Get your fingers out. It's rude to leave me hanging. I've got some good stuff to show you and you've liked what you've heard so far. I KNOW I can better some of the shit on the BBC at the moment 'Tittybangbang'? Awful!

H says: "Fuck the BBC. Try Channel 4. They're more 'punk'"

Hey, maybe it's because I took park in a pitch fest to the BBC a few years ago and came up with the idea of 'The Mister Miagi Mysteries'. Maybe they hate me for that.

Maybe they couldn't give a solitary shit about me and my weird and wordy piffle.

Most likely.

I hope all you good, good people are happy, well and looking forward to the freakend.

I love you in a 'platonic way at first but that eventually turns more 'frisky' as the night wears on'

Dance Dance,

~~C~~

P.S Bored? GO HERE TO READ SAID WORDY PIFFLE.

The always informative Dan put up a nice post about yours truly.

(You may need to scroll down a bit. He's far more prolific than I)

Thank you, Sir. It warmed my cockles.

Sun, Sea and Sniffles

Hey all,

Just dropping in because, in the words of the late, great Bill Hicks "I love you and you feel it"
I'm tired and wired from another great weekend with your friend and mine, Stephanie. As always, she was a superb host and I had a brilliant time walking around Brighton and taking in the sights, sounds and smells.
Teddy Thompson was great. He was in a good mood and he seemed to be having a good time. Stephanie said that the last time he saw Teddy he was in a bit of a strop. It was good that he could slap on a smile for this gig. The support act was so delicate that I thought they would dissolve, very plinky-plonky.
All in all it was another fun weekend of great company and conversation.
Stephanie will no doubt have a better post about the weekend on her blog. I caught a bit of a cold so my brain is all fuzzy and I'm all sniffly.

*Sneezes*

I hope you are all well and sneeze free.

P.S Get the new/old Bill Hicks DVD 'Sane Man' is awesome stuff.

C.B'S WORD OUTLET (Stories and stuff)