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I'm having a real blockage of creative thought at the moment. This always bugs me because writing is the only thing that a) I completely enjoy b) I don't have a 'thrilling' social life anymore (my choice) and c) It helps to keep me alive.

Still, the weather is pretty nice for a change. This monumental event brings a cheery side to the British public; the mood lightens with the sky. Saggy, beer-bellied men walk around with their football shirts off and the jangles of thousands of eager ice-cream vans can be heard. It makes me wonder what these guys do on the gloomy days.
Blair asked me to write down some new bands for him to check out. It was better than working or staring at my notebook praying for a single story idea to emerge from the empty box that is my mind. I managed to fill a page of good bands fairly quickly. If nothing else, I have a good ear for decent music.
I think I'm going to have to visit the docs again. The mood swings I've been having lately are very similar to the type that almost toppled me in 2003/2004. They're not related to anything or anyone (Because that would be too easy) but the moods swing from "I'm great! I love life! I'm going to make myself and my family proud!" to "I'm shit! I hate life! I'm going to throw in the towel"

Now you may be thinking "What a melodramatic prick" and you'd be at least half right. I've harped on about this for way too long. I can't deny that I'm disappointed with myself and the way my life has turned out. I should have at least made a PLAN B. PLAN A is failing. To be fair, making it as a comedy writer was never the most sensible of career choices and certainly one I should have grown out of by now. I should perhaps have concentrated on the 'real' things; My relationship, relationships in general. People seem to be shacking up and marrying their well-suited partners and I'm floundering like a twelve year old at the school disco waiting to be danced with (Or, in my case, a pity dance from a pretty girl). I'm going to be one of those sad, drunken old fuckers that you find in bars; rambling on about their supposed 'glory days', how I could have been something, how one terrible woman messed me up so badly that I can't trust anyone....all that shit. Maybe that's who I am now (Although, I'm not drunk)
I don't know where I'm going with this. Believe it or not, I'm still smiling and the day is going well. These are just inner thoughts coming out. I'm not trying to bum anyone out; in the real world or in blogger land. I'm not that guy. My problems, my bullshit should be no one's concern but my own. Whatever happens, it will be nobodies fault but my own. I should have stopped living in the clouds after I left college. If I could have been more level-headed I could have told Helen how I really felt about her. I wouldn't have the regret I have now and I could have by-passed a girl who, despite becoming an ex some time ago, still continues to kill my spirit (I should never have offered that olive branch). These kind of mistakes are my absolute undoing; I let a 'kamikaze' woman take me down, I foolishly believed that DRTN would take me to places that I wanted to be and that I would be able to make my family proud permanently and not just for one evening, I have been earning more money than I do now if I wasn't so concerned with 'selling out' and jeopardising PLAN A.
I'm so sick of being surrounded by soulless, vapid grunts everyday of my life. I'm tired of dancing to the beat of the corporate drum; smiling through gritted teeth as yet another bullshit rule is enforced by some smug, self-satisfied idiot that laughably claims to be my 'superior'. I'm upset that so many people with promise and talent will be stuck in these terrible occupations, working for a peasants wage whilst some untalented hack motherfucker gets all the creative glory and riches. If this was a wonderful world Tom fucking Cruise wouldn't be headlining movies, that fake, white smile of his would be selling sheds. Jesus, you could find better actors in a nativity play.
Again, I'm sorry for harping on but shit has gotten pretty twisted these past few months and it really feels like I'm running out of time, patience and steam.
There is good in my life so i'm not completely ungrateful. I have great friends and family. I treasure my newer friendships and I'm looking forward to Stephanie coming to visit. I'm not going to bum anyone out. I've been trying so hard to get fixed for years now. I hope it's not too late to get sorted before my 'cut off' age (30). I'd like to see my niece grow up. Hopefully, she won't take after her Uncle.