A day to tell people what you really think of them. You could sent cards with spiteful poems or perhaps a bunch of dying flowers shaped like middle fingers. You could take someone for a cold, empty meal and then kick their head in. I'm not sure what it could be called. I've just come up with HATE day. I'm sure you can think of something better.
As you can probably tell I'm not a fan of Valentines Day. Single or not, I think it's a load of rubbish.
My friend is well into it. Well, his girlfriend is. He's made the heinous crime of forgetting and she's not impressed. He needs to come up with something by the end of the day or he's going to spend the next few days in the spare room AKA The Sin Bin.
He's cobbling together a card as we speak. He asked for my help with a poem and here are some of the verses I came up with:
You love me,
I love you,
Can I put it where you poo?
He didn't like that one. 'Unsuitable' he called it. He wanted something more romantic. If I'd had Blog Ho's number to hand I would have called to ask for his help but since that wasn't possible I strived to come up with something to help my friend out of his romantic funk.
After many years of looking,
I have finally met my match,
Perhaps after you've read this verse,
You can let me see your--
He stopped me before I could finish that one. I don't know why all my ideas were on the vulgar side. I'm usually more romantic than this. Perhaps there is something in my coffee.
Another chap wanted to send a card to a girl he likes. I can understand this part of V Day as it's useful to break the ice with a quirky card and if it fails you can blame it on the spirit of the day. No harm, no foul.
He wanted to inform the girl of his affection in a light hearted and humorous way. I offered him a post-it with a few ideas on. This is one of them:
You are so sexy,
You give me a hard-on,
I like to watch you..
...From your garden.
I'm probably not the best person to ask. At least I tried.
Good luck, guys. I hope everything works out for the best.
~Cupid Chris
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Hey hey. I will be teh first to comment! Made it home quick I guess. I thought they were great poems for the office crush. The best i got was "Roses are red, Violets are blue, You're very tall and sarcastic too" Pretty feeble in imagination i thought. but never the less i got a "2 minute to make" card of the best looking girl on my team. my god how i'd love to screw her. big knockers also. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i must stop fantasising about office girls. your poems certainly made me laugh. well done, you can have any girl from the front row.
Knockers. I haven't heard that for a while.
I haven't had any cards (Unless there are some when I get home)but that's okay because I don't expect any.
Another one could be:
"Please be silent when i ask you to shush,
A bird in the hand is worth two in your bush"
That's one for your more aggressive male, possibly an S&M freak. I've been really cheeky today.
God I wish i had your imagination. All the ones I can think of are shite.
I may not be a footballer,
I'm no Andy Cole,
But all i request,
Is my tongue in your hole
I promise it won't hurt
I won't give you no beef
I'll make sure you come in my face
As I pick the hairs out my teeth
Good work, Fella (and Girly)! Those made me chuckle.
Stirring stuff, Ho. Your cynical comedy nuggets are always appreciated.
Oh, just something for valentines day.
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