Hearts Sake

Another little short/scene about lonely hearts agencies.

'Hearts Sake'

By Christopher 'Has never signed up for lonely hearts (honest)' Bate


INT - HEARTS SAKE - DAY


A disgrunted looking Dylan,26 sits in the office of 'Love Agent' Jeff Lowes, 35

Dylan waits for Jeff to finish shuffling through his paperwork.

DYLAN
Jeff.

JEFF
Dylan! I was just thinking about you!

DYLAN
Really?

JEFF
Yeah.

DYLAN
Why?

JEFF
I'm not sure. How are you?

DYLAN
Well, you should be able to tell me that. Have I had any responses?

JEFF
We've had thousands.

DYLAN
Thousands?

JEFF
Well, not thousands. That was a bit of an exaggeration.

DYLAN
Hundreds?

JEFF
Not hundreds, per say. A bit less.

DYLAN
Fifty.

JEFF
Five. We've had five.

DYLAN
I suppose five is better than nothing.

JEFF
Exactly! (Slaps table) That's exactly the kind of optimism you need!

DYLAN
In regards to the applicants?

JEFF
No, just in life.

DYLAN
Let me ask you something, Jeff.

JEFF
Okay.

DYLAN
You have to give me an honest answer.

JEFF
Right.

DYLAN
Do you promise?

JEFF
Yeah.

DYLAN
So your word is bond?

JEFF
Yes.

DYLAN
You don't sound very enthusiastic. (Beat) They're all mingers, aren't they?

JEFF
I wouldn't say mingers exactly.

DYLAN
But they're not pretty?

JEFF
It depends what you mean by pretty, Dylan. I mean, beauty can be defined by different eyes.

DYLAN
Let me see the files.

JEFF
It's part of my job to read them out.

DYLAN
This isn't the news, Jeff. Just give me the files.

JEFF
Okay.

DYLAN
Applicant number one.

JEFF
From Huddersfield.

DYLAN
She's a dog, Jeff.

JEFF
That's a bit harsh.

DYLAN
No, Jeff, she's an actual dog. A German shepherd if I'm not mistaken.

JEFF
Nice breed.

DYLAN
But not really someone I'd want a relationship with.

JEFF
Are you sure?

DYLAN
Of course I'm bloody sure! I can't stress this enough, Jeff, I want HUMAN INTERACTION. No animals.

JEFF
What about a sexy looking chimp?

DYLAN
There is no such thing.

JEFF
Helena Bonham Carter in 'Planet of the Apes'.

DYLAN
She was an actress in make-up!

JEFF
I know but still, you would-

DYLAN
I wouldn't.

JEFF
I thought she looked better as a monkey.

DYLAN
Right. Okay. Let's move onto number two shall we?

JEFF
So number one is a no-no?

DYLAN
Yes.

JEFF
Number two. Lisa from Chelsea.

DYLAN
Right.

JEFF
You like?

DYLAN
Where's her photo?

JEFF
She didn't supply one.

DYLAN
Why not?

JEFF
She doesn't believe in capturing images.

DYLAN
So, she's a freak?

JEFF
She could just be shy and old fashioned.

DYLAN
Be that as it may, her interests are; Cleaning, eating Sugar Poofs and photographing children. She sounds like the epitomy of sanity.

JEFF
Oh! Shall I put her on the 'Yes' pile then?

DYLAN
I was being sarcastic, Jeff.

JEFF
You know I can't tell when you're being sarcastic. Could you knock on the table when you are so I know?

DYLAN
Knock on the table?

JEFF
Yes.

DYLAN
Everytime I'm sarcastic?

JEFF
It would help.

DYLAN
You're an intelligent man who is good at his job.

Dylan raps on the desk three times.

JEFF
That hurts. I try my best.

DYLAN
Now you're being sarcastic!

JEFF
It's not easy, you know? People are picky these days

DYLAN
So what are you saying?

JEFF
Just, uh, you know, uh, you're a little - what's the word I'm looking for? - Beige.

DYLAN
Beige?

JEFF
Yep.

DYLAN
That's a colour.

JEFF
That's how I'd describe you.

DYLAN
Beige?

JEFF
Perhaps a mustard yellow.

DYLAN
Let's pass on number two.

JEFF
No on two.

DYLAN
Let's see what horrors number three yields.

JEFF
I have a good feeling about number two.

DYLAN
Jeff.

JEFF
Yeah?

DYLAN
It's a blank page.

JEFF
What do you think?

DYLAN
I think you're an idiot to be brutal.

JEFF
Sometimes blank paper gets mixed up. It's not my fault. It's just me here now. I have to do everything because I fired Gemma.

DYLAN
I wouldn't why I could smell cheap perfume when I came in. Why did you fire her?

JEFF
You promise not to tell anyone?

DYLAN
Of course I'm not going to tell anyone. How will that sound; "Hey, lads! Did you know that they fired the perky receptionist from the lonely hearts agency I go to in an desperate attempt to find a compainion."

JEFF
She was stealing.

DYLAN
Money?

JEFF
Clients. Men---and a couple of women.

DYLAN
Do you mean she was-

JEFF
She was setting herself up.

DYLAN
Oh.

JEFF
That's one rule you never break in this business.

DYLAN
I wonder why she never 'stole' me.

JEFF
She thought you had the features of a ruck sack, or was it a satchel?. It was some kind of shoulder hold-all anyway.

DYLAN
She said I looked like a bag?

JEFF
I said you looked like a confused child.

DYLAN
Lovely. That really boosts my flagging spirits. Cheers.

JEFF
She's gone now.

DYLAN
Good riddance.

JEFF
Its left me with heaps of work to do.

DYLAN
Let's get back to the task in hand. So applicant number three doesn't exsist?

JEFF
No. Sorry. It was an oversight.

DYLAN
Nevermind. Number four.

There is a long pause as Dylan looks at the file.

DYLAN (CONT'D)
She's dead.

JEFF
Dead?

DYLAN
Yup.

JEFF
Since when?

DYLAN
Since nineteen ninety-two.

JEFF
She never said.

DYLAN
I suppose it must have slipped her mind.

JEFF
She should have said.

DYLAN
Yup. Some people, eh?

JEFF
I'll take her off the list.

DYLAN
That would be a genius idea.

Dylan gets up out of of his seat and heads towards the door.

JEFF
Where are you going?

DYLAN
I quit.

He exits.

JEFF
Wait! I didn't hear you knock! I don't know if you're being sarcastic! Dylan? Dylan?


THE END