Sunday, September 13, 2015

STOP PRESS!! I'VE MADE IT!!!!

Here I was, a few days ago, pondering my next move when, out of the blue, I received an email which changed all that and took me by the hand and lead me to HOLLYWOOD.

A big studio has optioned my Owl-based sitcom.

"What Owl-based sitcom?" I hear the people that have a mild interest in my writing exclaim (Hi, Dad)

Only my magnum opus, Mother Hubbards (changed for my Nan)

For years, I have wanted to make an all-American sitcom with a snarky, pellet-omitting owl called 'Yip-Yip' and now, the dream is reality. I stand, contract in hand, a proud and excited, mostly naked man who is on the cusp of the celebrity elite.

I signed the contract with 'CHRIS' - I even did one of those bubbles over the i like most kids used to do in the 90's. They know I'm for real.

So, YIP YIP, a smart arse/ass owl not unlike ALF lands on the perch of a family in flux and turns their middle class, mostly white (my hands were tied on the race) with his pop culture references and general razzle dazzle. It's due to film in America, America Land and features a top notch cast. A live studio audience will be in attendance and held under duress/gun point with their laughs collected along with their tears.

I'm hoping 'YIPYIP' or whatever the boardroom of non-creatives decides to call it, will run well beyond its welcome as most US sitcoms tend to either get cancelled before they gain ground, or long after they stop caring. Hey, YY could be this generations 'Community' at the very least.

So, life is looking up, I'm off to Hollywood. FINALLY. No more spreadsheets for this guy. Soon, I'll be snorting cocaine off a swan and bollocking a crew member for not giving me the wry smile I demand.

Wednesday, September 09, 2015

Whale

"The last time I saw the outside world was about, ooh, five years ago. I was out at sea in my boat 'The Little Mystery' which I had restored and refurbished from an elderly gentleman. I've always been into sailing and, due to the aftermath of an incredibly painful divorce, I wanted to get away from things.'The Little Mystery' was the key to my escape and I spent months making sure it would be sea worthy. When it was good to go, I made my way to the Cornish coast. I left my car and the trappings of solid ground behind and set sail. There was no real destination. I just wanted to see where fate, and the sea, would take me.
I spent I would say about nine weeks floating around, completely alone. It was wonderful, absolutely wonderful. I ate well, I read and, for the first time in a long time, found the inner peace that had evaded me as an adult. It was so simple. I didn't give any thought to my ex wife and her younger, fitter new lover. All I had was myself and the open ocean. 
The whale hit me on a pretty choppy afternoon. It happened so fast and I was dwarfed by the beast. It blackened out the sun when it surfaced and swallowed me before I had a chance to react. I can't remember what happened next. I either passed out or I was knocked out. All I know that, when I came to, I was back in my boat but surrounded by a pulsating pink sky. I found myself literally in the belly of the beast.
I got out of 'The Little Mystery' to try and resolve a much bigger one, How in the hell was I going to get out of this? This was beyond all comprehension. There was no frame of reference at all. I was being held a damp prisoner in a floating prison of guts. Quite honestly, I was, as my land-bound Grandmother would say, 'fucked beyond fucked'
I know what you're thinking, or probably even saying out loud, as you hear this: "This was five years ago. How are you still here?"
The truth is that this whale was a whole new world, as crazy as it sounds. There were other people there. They had all been swallowed by this thing. They were all mostly lost too. The same as me. A small town was formed, a community of decent people all thrust into a situation they endeavoured to make the best of. The whale didn't seem to mind and we often wondered if it knew, if it had a plan but we decided not to dwell on it too much and just get on.
We dined on fish and sea weed, using what we could to live a decent life. We sang songs and held gatherings. I met my second wife, Catherine, at such an event and we were wed a few, what-we-thought-were months, later. The ceremony was simple, beautiful and unique affair, held inside a giant stomach.
We have a second child on the way. Our first, Moby, has just started school with the other young ones. Jonah, I'm sure, will be just as bright. 
So, here I am, floating around inside a living, breathing planet. Every day is a strange new gift and I can honestly say that I'm happier here. I just really dislike fish."

Aloofus, Aloofus...

So, it’s 2018. I’m staring down the barrel of my 40’s but with the same goofy mindset I honed in my 20’s. Mentally, it doesn’t feel as bad a...