Fenwick DuFlease

Hello, all. Some people have complained about the length of my posts of late (Just my posts, before any of you get all 'Carry On' on me) so I thought I'd remedy things by posting up part one of a short film I began to write sometime ago. It was one of the many shorts rejected by the BBC (I love the abuse really)

It's about a man and his talking cat called Fenwick. It maybe a bit long to read in one sitting so you may have to keep coming back (Or you could just give up) Enjoy. Please.

Chris

Fenwick DuFlease

INT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING



Artie Rose, 23 is sat on the floor of his small apartment. His cat, Fenwick is spread out on the sofa.


Fenwick is a very different kind of feline.



ARTIE
Do you think, Fenwick? Do you think I live in a fantasy world?


FENWICK
Sometimes. Oh, your Mom called while you were out.


ARTIE
What did she want?



FENWICK
She said that she's coming home next Friday and could you pick her up from the airport as your sister has to work.


ARTIE
Did you speak to her?


FENWICK
Of course not. I'm trying to keep a low profile. If it got out that I have a firm grasp of the English language I'd be whisked off to some science lab before you could say 'Fritz the Cat'. That would sour our friendship somewhat. Besides, Artie. I lack the opposable thumbs needed to pick up and hold a telephone.


ARTIE
I suppose.


FENWICK
Could I have another lick of Vodka? I'd get it myself but, you know, the thumbs...


ARTIE
You should go easy on that stuff.


FENWICK
I can handle my drink. I can certainly drink you under the table, Mr 'Three-pints-and-I'm-done'.


ARTIE
I told you, I had flu that day.


FENWICK
Yeah, yeah and I'm Garfield.


ARTIE
You're certainly fat enough.


FENWICK
Watch it!

Artie gets up and heads to the kitchen.



TV ANNOUNCER
And now we scrap the barrels of TV hell as we bring you the sixth programme in the on-going series 'When Old People Fall Over'


FENWICK
Ugh, what is this crap?



The programme begins. Cheesy music plays over a montage of various old people falling over in public places. When the credits end we see a studio packed with over excited idiots weaned on the cheap American shows this cultural train-wreck is based on.

The loudest applause is reserved for ERIC FIST. The presenter of this mess. He is thirty-ish and wearing a suit the colour of a hangover. He smiles wide, showing a mouthful of insanely white teeth. He's your typical light entertainer clearly who's in it for the money. (It pays better than the clubs, at least)



ERIC FIST
(Lapping up the applause)
Thank you! Thank you! Hello and welcome to 'When Old People Fall over 6'. Now, in the constant battle between gravity and old age gravity is usually the victor.


FENWICK
God, I wish I had fingers! Artie! Get your hairless behind in her and put East Enders on!


ARTIE (O.S.)
There's no vodka left! Did you drink it all?


FENWICK
I had a few friends over while you were out last night.

Artie pokes his head around the door. He holds the empty bottle to prove his point.


ARTIE
How did you get the top off?


FENWICK
With great difficulty.


ARTIE
We're all out of booze.


FENWICK
Go out and buy some more. You have a job.


ARTIE
You get through more booze than I do!


FENWICK
That's because you're a lightweight.


ARTIE
Why can't you drink water like normal cats?


FENWICK
I prefer the term 'feline'. Cat is such a common word.


ARTIE
(Sits down on the floor, defeated.)
What the hell are you watching?


FENWICK
TV Hell! Put East Enders on.


ARTIE
What is it with you and East Enders?


FENWICK
I like the storylines.

ARTIE
It's depressing.


FENWICK
Exactly! That's what makes it so entertaining. It makes me glad to be a cat.


ARTIE
I thought you hated using the term 'Cat'.


FENWICK
I hate humans using it. I'm allowed to say it.


ARTIE
That's stupid.


FENWICK
You're stupid. You cow.


ARTIE
What?


FENWICK
Like that? I got it from East Enders.


ARTIE
(Changes over to East Enders.)
Aren’t you going out tonight?


FENWICK
Nah, the lads want to stay in. It's too cold apparently.


ARTIE
'The Lads'?


FENWICK
What?


ARTIE
Nothing.


FENWICK
What are you doing tonight apart from obsessing over the perfect romance like some teenage girl?


ARTIE
Nothing. I haven't got any money. I think Ryan might be coming over later on.


FENWICK
Will he bring vodka?


ARTIE
God, you’re an alcoholic!


FENWICK
I was just wondering. What time is he likely to be coming around?


ARTIE
He'll probably be round about 10. He's got to visit his girlfriend.


FENWICK
Satan.


ARTIE
That's right.


FENWICK
Why do we hate her again?


ARTIE
Because she goes out of her way to belittle me every time I see her.


FENWICK
Ahh, yes.


ARTIE
She's a cow.


FENWICK
I LOVE that insult.



Fenwick is distracted by the action on the TV. Two women are screaming at each other. A cat fight is on the dramatic horizon.



FENWICK (CONT'D)
Ouch! Hang on! Two women are having a showdown! I sense a slap coming on. Wait for it.



Peggy gives Pat a tremendous slap. God bless the great British institution that is the East Enders face slap. Whack! Dramatic pause, Extras exchanging glances. Magic.

Artie and Pat cheer.



FENWICK (CONT'D)
I've yet to see that in real life.


ARTIE
What? Two women slapping each other?


FENWICK
Yeah.


ARTIE
Go to the waterfront. It happens every night.


FENWICK
I shall. I've heard it's good for mice down there. So Tibbsey tells me?



ARTIE
Who's Tibbsey?


FENWICK
He's a friend of mine. You'd like him. He's really cool.


ARTIE
Don't you hang around with that white, uh, feline anymore?


FENWICK
Whacko? No, he's with a Siamese cat called Gina. They’ve got a couple of kittens now. Poor sap!


ARTIE
He never seemed like the fatherly type.


FENWICK
He surprised us all.


ARTIE
Do you ever think about settling down?


FENWICK
No way! I'm too young! I've too many wild oats to sow.


ARTIE
Bit of a ladies, uh, cat.


FENWICK
Let's put it this way, if I was human, you'd want to be me.


ARTIE
Are you seeing anyone at the moment?


FENWICK
Kind of, Sort of.


ARTIE
Who is it?


FENWICK
You're so nosey!


ARTIE
You pry into my sex life!


FENWICK
You have a sex life?


ARTIE
You wouldn't leave me alone when I was with Jodie.


FENWICK
Who was Jodie now?


ARTIE
The dark haired girl. I dated her for about six months.


FENWICK
The dog lover?


ARTIE
Yeah.


FENWICK
Oh, she was an oddball! She hated felines! She kept shooing me off and sneezing over me.


ARTIE
She was allergic.


FENWICK
I think I had the last laugh though.


ARTIE
Yeah, thanks for that.

FENWICK
You didn't like her much anyway.


ARTIE
I know, but you didn't have to put a half eaten mouse in her handbag.


ARTIE (CONT'D)
So, who is this pussy then?


FENWICK
(Chuckles)
Her face was a picture.


FENWICK (CONT'D)
Her name is Zooney. She's a bit posh. She likes to play hard to get but, you know, give me time.


ARTIE
I'm sure hard to get is different for cats than it is for humans.


FENWICK
That depends do human girls try to claw your eyes out and hiss at you?


ARTIE
I've had a variation of both.


FENWICK
I think it's kind of sexy. I mean, I've been hissed at before but not like that. I think I like this one.


ARTIE
So you might go the way of old Whacko?


FENWICK
I've told you. I've got too many oats to sow. you should take a leaf out of my book. Life’s too short to spend moping around looking for happy ever afters. You should concentrate on being happy right now.


ARTIE
So you're encouraging me to sleep around?


FENWICK
That's right.


ARTIE
You're incredible.


FENWICK
Thank you.



The phone rings.



FENWICK (CONT'D)
Are you going to get that?


ARTIE
Can't you get it? Just tap speaker with your nose.


FENWICK
I hate talking on the phone.


ARTIE
Why?


FENWICK
Because I'm a cat!


ARTIE
Okay, I'll get it!


FENWICK
Artie gets up and answers the phone.


ARTIE
Hello? Oh hello, Tim. I'm not up to much. I'm just watching telly with Fenwick. Party? Where? Yeah, why not? I'll ask him.



Artie covers the mouthpiece and speaks to Fenwick.



ARTIE (CONT'D)
Do you want to go to a house party?


FENWICK
Yeah, okay.


ARTIE (CONT'D)
(To Tim)
We'll be there.


TO BE FURTHERED....(PROBABLY)