May the farce be with you.
'NOT A SABRE OR A WOOKIE BETWEEN THEM'
By Christopher 'Cogs' Bate
By Christopher 'Cogs' Bate
DEATH STAR-DAY/NIGHT/WHATEVER
EVIL EMPIRE GRUNT GUY
Those foolish rebels and their foolish rebellion! As if they even have the smallest chance of defeating us, the evil empire.
COMMANDER
Don’t get above your station, random grunt. If there is any scenery chewing to be done I shall do it. Look at them out there. They don’t call this the Death Star for nothing. They don’t have a hope.
GRUNT #2
Anyone want any coffee?
COMMANDER
Oh! Number 34, please. What are you having?
GRUNT #1
23.
COMMANDER
What’s a 23?
GRUNT #1
It’s a hot chocolate.
COMMANDER
I’ll have one of those.
GRUNT #2
You don’t want a 34?
COMMANDER
I’ll give it a miss this time. I drink way too much coffee. I want to sleep tonight. I’ve got an early start tomorrow.
Grunt #2 exits.
GRUNT #1
What are you up to the weekend?
COMMANDER
The wife wants to go to a dinner party. I don’t want to go. I hate going to strangers houses. You know how it is, all idle chit-chat. La-de-da’s and ‘how you do’s’. I hate it. “So how’s the Empire?” and “What‘s Old Vader like?”. It’s just so, ugh!, you know?
GRUNT #1
(Chuckles)
Yeah.
COMMANDER
I’ll be happy when this day is over, I’ll tell you know. I’ve got a cracking headache and that racket out there isn’t helping. I’m sorry for snapping earlier.
GRUNT
It’s okay. I know it must be under a lot of pressure at the moment.
COMMANDER
Got it coming from all angles, you know? I’ve got Vader breathing down my neck-
GRUNT
(Chuckles)
-Good one.
COMMANDER
Oh, I didn’t think of that.
GRUNT
I think he puts that on.
COMMANDER
What? The breathing thing?
GRUNT
Yeah.
COMMANDER
I tell you what he DOESN’T put on.
GRUNT
What’s that?
COMMANDER
His powers. I just know he’s going to choke me one day like he did to what’s-his-name upstairs. That’s the thing about this job. You quite literally get it in the neck. One teeny-tiny mistake and it’s (makes choking noise)
GRUNT
That’s why I didn’t apply for it.
COMMANDER
Sometimes I wish I hadn’t bothered. I should have opened that spare parts stall on Rydell Seven. The missus kept badgering me to (Puts on nagging voice) “Join the Empire! Join the Empire!”.
GRUNT
I know what you mean.
COMMANDER
How’s your ‘trouble and strife’ these days?
GRUNT
Didn’t I tell you? We split up.
COMMANDER
No!
GRUNT
Yeah. It was a mutual thing. Well, it was for her. She wanted other things. She wanted to travel the stars and see the sights.
COMMANDER
And you didn’t want to?
GRUNT
I don’t know what I want at the moment. I suppose that’s why I’m a grunt. I’m just a big nobody really.
COMMANDER
Don’t say that!
GRUNT
It’s true. I’m thirty-two years old and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. It’s looking less and less likely that I’ll ever get my band together.
COMMANDER
You hang in there, Brian! I love your music.
GRUNT
You do?
COMMANDER
Yes, I think you have a bright future.
GRUNT
You really think so?
COMMANDER
I do.
GRUNT
Thanks, mate. That means a lot.
A beat. Explosions from the outside.
GRUNT
They’re really going for it out there, aren’t they?
COMMANDER
I wish they’d hurry up and piss off. I want to sneak out early.
GRUNT
They’re optimistic, I’ll give them that.
COMMANDER
They haven’t got a cat in hells chance of winning. (Shouts through the window) We’re a planet, you morons! We don’t have any weak spots!
Grunt laughs.
GRUNT
What about that hole?
COMMANDER
What hole?
GRUNT
That hole. I don’t know if it’s a ventilation shaft or a waste disposal thing.
COMMANDER
I don’t know what you mean.
GRUNT
I’m sure it’s nothing. It’s just me being silly again.
COMMANDER
Where is he with the drinks?
CUT TO:
EXT-DEATH STAR/SPACE-DAY
The Death Star blows up just like in the movie.
EVIL EMPIRE GRUNT GUY
Those foolish rebels and their foolish rebellion! As if they even have the smallest chance of defeating us, the evil empire.
COMMANDER
Don’t get above your station, random grunt. If there is any scenery chewing to be done I shall do it. Look at them out there. They don’t call this the Death Star for nothing. They don’t have a hope.
GRUNT #2
Anyone want any coffee?
COMMANDER
Oh! Number 34, please. What are you having?
GRUNT #1
23.
COMMANDER
What’s a 23?
GRUNT #1
It’s a hot chocolate.
COMMANDER
I’ll have one of those.
GRUNT #2
You don’t want a 34?
COMMANDER
I’ll give it a miss this time. I drink way too much coffee. I want to sleep tonight. I’ve got an early start tomorrow.
Grunt #2 exits.
GRUNT #1
What are you up to the weekend?
COMMANDER
The wife wants to go to a dinner party. I don’t want to go. I hate going to strangers houses. You know how it is, all idle chit-chat. La-de-da’s and ‘how you do’s’. I hate it. “So how’s the Empire?” and “What‘s Old Vader like?”. It’s just so, ugh!, you know?
GRUNT #1
(Chuckles)
Yeah.
COMMANDER
I’ll be happy when this day is over, I’ll tell you know. I’ve got a cracking headache and that racket out there isn’t helping. I’m sorry for snapping earlier.
GRUNT
It’s okay. I know it must be under a lot of pressure at the moment.
COMMANDER
Got it coming from all angles, you know? I’ve got Vader breathing down my neck-
GRUNT
(Chuckles)
-Good one.
COMMANDER
Oh, I didn’t think of that.
GRUNT
I think he puts that on.
COMMANDER
What? The breathing thing?
GRUNT
Yeah.
COMMANDER
I tell you what he DOESN’T put on.
GRUNT
What’s that?
COMMANDER
His powers. I just know he’s going to choke me one day like he did to what’s-his-name upstairs. That’s the thing about this job. You quite literally get it in the neck. One teeny-tiny mistake and it’s (makes choking noise)
GRUNT
That’s why I didn’t apply for it.
COMMANDER
Sometimes I wish I hadn’t bothered. I should have opened that spare parts stall on Rydell Seven. The missus kept badgering me to (Puts on nagging voice) “Join the Empire! Join the Empire!”.
GRUNT
I know what you mean.
COMMANDER
How’s your ‘trouble and strife’ these days?
GRUNT
Didn’t I tell you? We split up.
COMMANDER
No!
GRUNT
Yeah. It was a mutual thing. Well, it was for her. She wanted other things. She wanted to travel the stars and see the sights.
COMMANDER
And you didn’t want to?
GRUNT
I don’t know what I want at the moment. I suppose that’s why I’m a grunt. I’m just a big nobody really.
COMMANDER
Don’t say that!
GRUNT
It’s true. I’m thirty-two years old and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. It’s looking less and less likely that I’ll ever get my band together.
COMMANDER
You hang in there, Brian! I love your music.
GRUNT
You do?
COMMANDER
Yes, I think you have a bright future.
GRUNT
You really think so?
COMMANDER
I do.
GRUNT
Thanks, mate. That means a lot.
A beat. Explosions from the outside.
GRUNT
They’re really going for it out there, aren’t they?
COMMANDER
I wish they’d hurry up and piss off. I want to sneak out early.
GRUNT
They’re optimistic, I’ll give them that.
COMMANDER
They haven’t got a cat in hells chance of winning. (Shouts through the window) We’re a planet, you morons! We don’t have any weak spots!
Grunt laughs.
GRUNT
What about that hole?
COMMANDER
What hole?
GRUNT
That hole. I don’t know if it’s a ventilation shaft or a waste disposal thing.
COMMANDER
I don’t know what you mean.
GRUNT
I’m sure it’s nothing. It’s just me being silly again.
COMMANDER
Where is he with the drinks?
CUT TO:
EXT-DEATH STAR/SPACE-DAY
The Death Star blows up just like in the movie.
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