The main problem with Yuri is that he's a little angry at times

Another thing I coughed up in five minutes. It's a little nutty but you should really expect that by now. Try and enjoy.

'The main problem with Yuri is that he's a little angry at times'

By Christopher 'high-seas' Bate

INT-THE FIDDLER'S FACE PUB-EVENING


Yuri, a large Viking stands at the bar quaffing ale from a large tankard.

Rupret enters. He shakes off the rain as he comes into the warm pub and makes that strange noise that people often do when they come from the cold into the warm.

YURI
Rupret!

RUPRET
Yuri!


The men shake hands heartily.

YURI
How long as it been?

RUPRET
Too long!

YURI
Red Beard's party.

RUPRET
Oh!

YURI
That was a time.

RUPRET
I fear I may have had one too many Liver Kickers.

YURI
We all played that drinking game.

RUPRET
Oh yes!

YURI
That's what finished me off. I just couldn't think of a person beginning with Z.

RUPRET
That was a hard one. You did take those shots well however. You certainly showed the rest of them how a real Viking drinks!

YURI
I could hardly get into the taxi.

RUPRET
Oh yes!

YURI
And I soiled myself.

RUPRET
Oh dear.

YURI
I didn't pay the penalty though.

RUPRET
You didn't? Did you use your Viking charm on the driver?

YURI
No. I killed him.

RUPRET
We can't take you anywhere!

YURI
(Shrugs)
You know me.

RUPRET
(Chuckles)
I do! I do know you! Do you want a drink?

YURI
A pint of Death Broth would be superb, sir.

RUPRET
Excellent! Bar keep! Two pints of Death Broth!

YURI
With extra death!

BAR KEEP
You mean another dash of blackberry cordial?

YURI
Uh, yes.

RUPRET
(Shakes head)
The young are always so cynical.

YURI
That's a very true observation, my friend. They always have to sour things with their shrugs and their 'whatever’s'. I was walking through the town and I saw a bunch of young people. They must have been in their twenties because they were just hanging around like recently fed sharks. You know how the sharks get when they've had their feed?

RUPRET
-All sluggish and bobbing around.

YURI
They were like that; completely disaffected. One of the young buggers attempted to mock my helmet.

RUPRET
The one you're wearing now?

YURI
Yes.

RUPRET
It's a fine helmet!

YURI
I know!

RUPRET
What did they say about it?

YURI
They said it looked shit.

RUPRET
What?! That's madness! That helmet is carved from the finest oak and bone!

YURI
It's been in my family for centuries!

RUPRET
And they mocked it?

YURI
Well, they don't care do they?

RUPRET
What did you say to them?

YURI
I told them the history of this hat.

RUPRET
-A potted history?

YURI
Well, I condensed it. It would have taken too long and I know their attention span is not very long. I told them about its significance; the combat that this fine helmet had seen.

RUPRET
And did they retract their earlier statement?

YURI
No! The young man just held out his hand and asked me to talk to it.

RUPRET
What does that mean?

YURI
I have no idea, Rupret! His allies seemed to find it highly amusing.

RUPRET
What did you do next?

YURI
I did the only thing I could.

RUPRET
What was that?

YURI

I took his hand with my steel.

RUPRET

What do you mean?

YURI

I cut it off.

RUPRET

Oh!

YURI

I figured I could have a long chat with his hand.

RUPRET

Yuri?

YURI

Yes?

RUPRET

Do you think you may have anger issues?

YURI

What do you mean?

RUPRET

Well, your stories usually end with you either killing or dismembering someone.

YURI

So?

RUPRET

That's why people don't invite you to parties.

YURI

They don't invite me?

RUPRET

They're scared that you'll freak out and start slashing things.

YURI

I'm a Viking! If I can't hack and slash shizzle then what the hell else am I supposed to do?

RUPRET

All I'm saying is that if you want to be invited to more social funtions you are going to have to curb your rage. I have the number of a guy that might be able to help you out. He's a good man. He helped me with my fear of seagulls. You should give him a call. Here's his card.

YURI

Thanks. I'm sorry about, you know, the slayings. I just get really frustrated and this red mist appears-

RUPRET

I understand. Just see what you can do to help yourself.

YURI

Thanks, Rupe. You're a good friend.

RUPRET

No problem, Yuri.

YURI

Allow me to buy another broth.

RUPRET

Bar keep! Two of the same!

There is no response.

YURI

Where is he? I mean, who do you have to kill to get a drink in this place?

RUPRET

Bar keep!

YURI

I'll be right back.

RUPRET

Aw no! Yuri! I wasn't suggesting-Oh, dont-Get me some nuts while you're there! Oh, and a straw!

END