I've just come from a rather so-so evening and, sober as a judge but quaffing lovely tea and toast like a true British gent, I'm feeling in a reflective mood.
Bare with me.
Tonight, it dawned on me how much I'd changed and how important it is that things are left in the past. Going to the indie haunt tonight made me realise that my taste in music has changed, I no longer care about the latest Killers track and that classic Kings Of Leon song doesn't resonate like it used to. The DJ plays the same old thing, as if he pushed play on an indie hits album and pretended he was doing it live.
There is never any of the bands I like because no one has really heard of the groups I dig these days. I feel like I'm in a different musical universe and these people who bob along to the same old Happy Mondays and Oasis tracks every week are missing out.
The place is also filled with the same old faces. Some, like me, have moved on and are just returning to the club for a friends birthday or because they were morbidly nostalgic. Some are locked in 2001.
Perhaps she is the biggest example of all. I see her in the same old clothes, doing the same old dances, with the same girly-girly, 'Lookatmelookatme!', FAKEcentric act. A few years ago when I was seemingly devoid of independent thought, this was all I had. I was too scared and too lazy to really go for anything. I can't blame her for my mindset then because it was entirely my rut. I just didn't realise I was IN a rut until now.
We don't talk because we have nothing to say. Life has pulled us in different directions. I don't know (Or care) what she's been up to and I have no doubt she feels the same. It's funny how someone who was once the very centre of your personal universe is not even on your radar anymore. It made me realise as I saw her, fleetingly, that my world really has evolved. I've met and interacted with a variety of amazing people, one of which is now a very important close friend, I've found confidence in my writing and realised that, win or lose, I love it more than anything and there is no reason to stop, I'm closer to my family because I don't take them for granted and I visit more often, My 'look' has improved and I'm waaaaay more appealing than I used to be (I have something of a scary fanclub at Blast Off), I travel, I--
Well, you get the point (At least I hope you do, this is kind of a rambling post)
I'm very lucky to be who I am; alive and well. Sometimes you have to have a so-so night in a so-so place to take stock of things. It doesn't make it a bad night.
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10 comments:
you realised that ages ago. Maybe now your just starting to believe it
Well my proper British gent
you have always been appealing
to me of course and i found
your post comforting as i
am still very much in a rut
missing someone who really
never deserved me at all:(
(well, i think so anyway)
It's nice when you come to those realisations yourself. I'm not the girl I was in 2001 either and I'm happy to let her go. Despite the hiccups, 2006 has been pretty good for both of us I think. :)
and we are lucky to know you Chris.
Perhaps the pond is too small for you now.
Its also great when the spell is broken in some cases.
Well, Christopher Bate...your propaganda is perfect; I didn't know you in 2001, but man, you are a wonderful human in 2006, so keep on evolving, and heading in this direction.
Psst! Thanks for being you, my wonderful friend. No matter the distance you are close to my heart and always will be. xxx
better late than never sweetie!
i can relate on all accounts, 2001 was not a good year for me either.. same kind of deal, it took me FOREVER to realise the same. him being the center of my universe.. blah blah.. finally letting go of all the crap took a lot of GROWTH.
so the short of that up there is:
be proud of yourself for doing it.
I'd have preferred it if 2001 had been all plasticky and spangly like old sci-fi said it would be. The future is rubbish! Where's my robot cat?
:)
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