Gay Millionaire

Tim and his co-worker Calvin are sat in a quiet music store. Another woman (TINA) is stocking the shelves a little way from them.


TIM
What if a millionaire came into this office right now?
What would you do?

CALVIN
What do you mean ‘what would I do’? It wouldn’t make any difference to me, would it?

TIM
Say if this millionaire came in here with a proposition-

CALVIN
Oh, this is one of THOSE conversations.

TIM
-And the proposition was that he wanted you to sleep with me.

CALVIN
What? Why would he would he want that?

TIM
I don’t know. What would you do?

CALVIN
I’d tell him to sod off.

TIM
You’d kiss goodbye one million big ones just like that? Take a minute to think about what he’s offering here.

CALVIN
No way! Let’s talk about something else.

TIM
Wouldn’t you even consider a compromise?

CALVIN
No.

TIM
You’re so selfish; man and you’ve inadvertently insulted me.

CALVIN
Why, because I said I wouldn’t sleep with you at the behest of some sleazy old millionaire?

TIM
How do you know he’s old? He could be the same age as us.

CALVIN
It doesn’t matter, Tim. I wouldn’t do it. I have my pride. What kind of conversation is this anyway?

TIM
It’s an adult conversation.

CALVIN
It sounds like it.

TIM
You’re so conservative.

CALVIN
No I’m not.

TIM
Yes you are and homophobic too.

CALVIN
I am not!

TIM
I see I’ve touched a nerve here.

CALVIN
This is stupid!

TIM
Okay, okay. I can see that this is too much for you so I’ll take it down a bit. The Millionaire retracts his original offer and comes up with something different.

CALVIN
What, does he want me to sleep with my dog?

TIM
He may be perverted but he’s not depraved, Calvin.

CALVIN
So, what’s this new offer?

TIM
He wants you to dance for him.

CALVIN
Dance for him?

TIM
Uh-huh.

CALVIN
What kind of dance?

TIM
A sexy dance

CALVIN
Oh my God!

TIM
Well, you wouldn’t fuck me so the least you could do is dance for him.

CALVIN
What colour is the sky in your world?

TIM
You wouldn’t even dance for him?

CALVIN
No.

TIM
Are you crazy? He’s offering a million pounds for you to jiggle. Are you seriously trying to tell me that you wouldn’t swallow your pride and shake your ass for a million pounds? I would.

CALVIN
Yes, but I think we’ve already established that you’re disgusting.

TIM
Disgusting? I’m not disgusting. I just know a good offer when I see one.

CALVIN
You think dancing for another man for money is a good offer?

TIM
Is that another one of your homophobic slurs?

CALVIN
No! I just don’t want to sacrifice my dignity for the entertainment of some depraved degenerate.

TIM
I don’t particularly want to come in here everyday and serve the musically challenged morons that come in here but I do it. Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and do things you don’t want to do. This eccentric gentleman is offering you the chance to earn a lot of money in a short space of time. You’d never have to work again. You could do all the things you wanted to do, take all the holidays you want and live happily for the rest of your life. He’s giving you the key to the life you’ve always dreamed about and all you have to do is make a lonely millionaire happy for five minutes.

CALVIN
Okay, yes. I’d do it. Are you happy now?

TIM
So, You’d be willing to put on a strip tease for a total stranger?

CALVIN
A strip tease?

TIM
Of course, that’s part of the deal.

CALVIN
You never mentioned stripping.

TIM
Well, it’s a bit obvious. He’s not going to pay you a million pounds to gyrate in your jeans is he?

CALVIN
I’m sorry, why would a millionaire come all the way to a sad little record shop and ask me to have sex with you or strip dance for him? What kind of millionaire is he anyway?

TIM
He’s a sexually repressed gentleman with money to burn. His complicated back-story isn’t important right now.


A young woman walks into the office and begins to use the photocopier. The boys ignore her.


CALVIN

Complicated back-story?

TIM
Yes. He’s not had it easy. His parents didn’t understand and he was the target of abuse from many of his peers.

CALVIN
Oh, Jesus!

TIM
I could go on but the story is one filled with so much bigotry and prejudice it would break your heart.


CALVIN
Enough already, you’re going too far as usual.

TIM
So you’d dance for the emotionally tortured ‘It Boy’?



CALVIN
(Annoyed)
YES, I’D DO A STRIP TEASE FOR THE GAY MILLIONIARE!


TINA looks up at CALVIN.
CALVIN blushes. TIM points at CALVIN and does the ‘limp wrist’ gesture.

TIM
I told you.

CALVIN
Bastard.