Interview With The Devil

I bumped into The Devil on Saturday night. He was in Subway. We had a bit of a chat and I recorded it on my phone. Here is the transcript.

Can you just say your name for the benefit of the readers?

I am Lucifer.

And your occupation?

I am the manager of a large underground organisation known as Hades, or Hell as it’s more commonly known.

We know you as the devil.

You do.

Does that bother you? You seem a bit disgruntled by that moniker.

I do prefer Lucifer. The devil is a bit ‘old world’ for my tastes. It’s become something of a cliché.

As has your image. You are often portrayed as something of a demon.

Oh yes, with the goatee and the horns and the pitch-fork. Yes, that gets my goat a bit. No pun intended.

Why?

It’s lazy. People have clung to an image that is at best hackneyed folk-lore. It’s also incredibly insulting. As you can see, I’m not a red-skinned demon with goat legs. In fact, I’m quite the opposite.

To describe you for the readers I’d say you were a smartly dressed man in a velvet blue suit and-

-I’ve been told I look a bit like that man from that television programme. I forget his name and indeed the name of the programme. It’ll come to me.

What’s the nature of the programme?

I can’t remember. Some of my staff keep saying I look like this actor but I don’t watch much television so I don’t know who they are referring to.

Are you too busy to watch television? Do you even have television in Hell?

We do have television. I don’t watch it anymore because there simply isn’t anything worth watching.

Why do you think that?

It’s all reality programmes and cookery these days. If it’s not someone telling you what to eat it’s someone telling you what to wear. When did television become so judgemental? I’m not sure what the attraction is in programmes that feature everyday people doing nothing. You may as well turn your attention to what’s going on in your own home and save some electricity.

You don’t like anything on television?

I prefer to listen to the radio. Jazz FM.

You like Jazz?

I love Jazz.

Is there much Jazz in Hell?

There is when I’m in charge. I had Miles Davis come down and play some boogie the other evening. He’s a very cool man and very talented. I’m a huge, huge fan. I just sat there and wallowed in his genius. I applauded for just under three days.

Wow. Who else have you met?

You mean famous artists?

Yes.

I’ve met them all at some point. I’ve been friends’ with Miles for a while. I’ve recently made acquaintance with the comedian Bill Hicks. He’s a very nice chap. He did a couple of sell-out shows in Heaven so naturally I wanted him to perform in Hell. He’s very sharp. He tore a few strips off me I can tell you.

And you didn’t mind?

Not at all.

That hardly fits in with the image of you being angry and unforgiving.

Ah, that’s more of the piffle we addressed earlier. It’s because of a bad P.A. That’s where all this fire and brimstone rubbish spawns from.

Bad P.A?

My marketing team came up with the image and, as I said earlier, it was ill-advised and it got taken out of context. The sad thing is that I think I’ll always be seen as that fearsome figure.

Is that why you agreed to do these interviews?

Partly.

What else prompted you?

I fancied a few days out of the office, so to speak. It’s nice to have a change of scenery now and then.

What have you been doing on earth?

I saw Bob Dylan at the Birmingham NIA. I tried to book him a few years ago but he’s still got work to do in this world.

You like your music, don’t you?

Music, GOOD music is the essence of living. It is to me anyway. I don’t know what I’d do without my music. I dread to think.

What’s your relationship like with God?

Ah, He and I have an interesting relationship. We both have been misrepresented in one way or the other. He’s got a very good sense of humour and he’s a sucker for Hendrix and The Beatles.

Do you see him very often?

I see him quite a lot. We have formal and informal meetings.

What do you talk about?

In our formal meetings, it’s all business. We talk about staff and about the state of things. Its fairly boring stuff but it’s got to be done.

What about your informal meetings?

We get drunk and tell rude jokes.

Really?

(Chuckles)
Yes. He’s a lot of fun.

So there is no malice between you?

No. We may be competitive in business but ultimately we are good friends. We’re both parts of the same being after all. We’re opposites and opposites have a certain attraction.

What does he look like?

He doesn’t look like anything really. He’s not even a ‘he’.

I’m not sure I follow you.

He has many forms. He takes the guise of someone you feel comfortable with. For example he may take the guise of a kind uncle or aunt.

What does he look like to you?

Brian Blessed.

What’s Hell like?

Ah, the big question. Hell has also been misrepresented. It’s not a flaming pit of misery. It is a miserable place, I mean, that’s its job. That’s why it exists.

To punish the wicked?

Exactly. It’s, to simplify, is-
(Lucifer takes a moment to think)
What’s your idea of Hell?

In a factory polishing jugs. I did it for a few months in my teens. It was horrible.

That would be your Hell.

It would?

Yes. Imagine it for an eternity. Hell is not about an eternity of physical agony, it’s an infinity of mind-crushing tedium. Most of Hell has been taken up by a large office. A lot of evil souls find the monotonous environment as absolute torture.

I can understand that.

Do you still polish jugs in a factory?

I have an office job now.

So you know how horrible it can be. The deadlines, the stress and the pathetic innuendo.

Yeah.

Imagine that going on forever.

I can’t imagine that.

Too horrible?

No, I don’t have a very good imagination.

Well, if you did-

Do you like your job?

It has its ups and downs.

Really?

It’s like every business, and it IS a business, I have a world to govern and things have to be kept ship-shape as to avoid errors.

What kind of errors?

Well, we have to make sure that the right souls get to the right destination.

That sounds like hard work.

You wouldn't last a day. I've seen your work ethic. Snoozing isn't working. How's the film going?

It's going okay. I’m going over to see the edit in-

I can make it bigger than 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' if you want.

Really?

Yep.

What's the small print?

Your soul. What else would I want?

I kind of need it. Don't I?

No, you don't. To be honest, deal-wise I'm getting the bums rush here and you're getting the sweet end of the deal.

I don't know. This is not really what this is all about-

Think about it. You could have all the girls you want.

I'm not really-

Guys then.

Have you been reading my emails, the ones to Blog Ho?

What do you say, lad? Your soul for a life of riches, bitches and, uh, well, whatever floats your boat. Just think, this time next year you could be shmoozing with the A-list and on the arm of Natalie Portman. You like her, don't you? Or was it Bill Pullman?

Will you knock that off?

I just call it like I see it, Captain Closet. So what do you say? Sign?

Okay. Okay.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

How many A's are in that maniacal laugh? Just for the type up.

A thousand. I'll process this and get back to you. I hope you like bald, Gold, Old men called

Oscar.

I'm going to get an Academy Award?

(Long pause)
Sure, why not?

This ended the interview.