The Sharks Tale

Recently there have been two attacks on human beings by sharks. Both men were interviewed. The Sharks, however, were neglected and ignored by the media, thus soiling their reputation further.
I went deep down into the deep, dark ocean to interview Peter, the great white that 'attacked' Mark Currie.

Hello, Peter.

Greetings.

Firstly, please don't bite my face off.

(Chuckles. Silence)

Let's talk about recent events.

Yes...Let's.

You seemed to have been painted in a rather harsh light by The Sun and various other tabloids.

Oh yes, the 'Jaws' thing. How trite.

That bothers you?

Deeply.

So, what happened on that fateful day, Peter?

Well, I was just swimming about, minding my own buisness, when I saw this young chap in a cage. I didn't think much of it because I'm used to seeing humans in cages. Anyway, I started swimming around, putting on a bit of a shark show because I know how fascinating you humans find us. I ate a fish. I wasn't even that hungry. Like I say, it was all for show and purely out of the goodness of my heart. I didn't have to make an exhibition of myself. I was very busy.
So, I'm playing to the camera and doing my thing when suddenly I felt this sharp prod on my side. I looked to see the cage-man holding this long stick and he was prodding me with it.
I was like "What's up with this?" and he was jeering and shouting stuff. I swam a bit closer to hear what he was saying. It was pure slander! He startled heckling me, challenging me. I couldn't believe the cheek of the man so I decided to leave the ungrateful and uncouth sod, but as I was turning away, I heard what I can only describe as a torrent of pure, unadulturated filth about my mother. I just fucking lost it! Oh, can I swear? Is that okay?

I'm just amazed to hear a shark speak.

I swam at the cage. I was so angry! I had designs on biting the scoundrel in two. That's what we sharks do when strangers besmirch our mothers. I came to my senses after I'd shit him up a bit. I figured it would be a lesson he'd never forget. Then I find out he's playing the wounded seal, saying I attacked him for no good reason! I'm actually thinking of suing. I've got in touch with a good firm and they are looking at my case. It just riles me, you know? We sharks have a bad enough rep because of that infernal movie.

I understand.

Everytime I swim past a boat I'm forever hearing 'DUR-DUN-DURRR-DUN!!'. You know, that horrible 'Jaws' tune. It gets on my gills. So, what paper do you write for?

I don't write for a paper. I write for a blog.

What's a blog?

It's an online word-based website.

Oh yeah! How many hits do you get?

I get as many as FIFTEEN hits a day!

So, I'm not really speaking to someone who matters?

Well, uh--

So this is rather pointless?

I wouldn't go so far as to say 'pointless' but I wouldn't swagger too far from it.

You know what I love most about being a shark?

No, what?

*CHOMP!!*

He ate me. I got better. Peter's case was thrown out of court. Sweet, sweet Karma.