Political Correctness On The High Seas

The Galleon of Blood Beard sails through the choppy ocean waters. He cackles with evil glee as he commands the helm. His ship mates scramble around the deck, preparing for battle.
His first mate, Carl stands by his side. He is a lot less threatening than his captain and lacks the ugly menace and stature of a true pirate.



BLOOD
ARRRRG! Fire a cannonball into their slimy gizzards and let the sharks dine on their charred carcasses!


Carl is making notes in a pad.


CARL
Cannonball--Slimy gizzard--charred carcass. And then what?

BLOOD
We take their ships and rape their women!

CARL
Uh, oh--

BLOOD
What’s the matter, first mate?

CARL
It’s the rape thing.

BLOOD
What about it?

CARL
The union have come down rather hard on that. We’re, uh, not allowed to do that anymore.

BLOOD
WHHHHHHATTT?!!

CARL
Yeah, it’s not the done thing anymore, I’m afraid.

BLOOD
But we’re pirates! That’s what we do!

CARL
Not anymore, Captain.

BLOOD
That’s---That’s---When was this decided upon?

CARL
Last Thursday at the annual pirates conference. You couldn’t make it because you had a prior engagement.

BLOOD
I was out raping and pillaging!

CARL
I thought you were playing tennis.

BLOOD

I was playing tennis but then the opportunity arose to rape and pillage, so I did.

CARL
(Sighs)
Who did you do that with?

BLOOD
Long John Silver and Black Beard.

CARL
Those surly sods? I’ve told you about them! They’re a bad influence. Well, I hope you enjoyed yourselves because there will be no more of that sort of behaviour. Honestly, Blood Beard. I’m ashamed of you.

BLOOD
Aw, come on.

CARL
I wondered where you’d got all these new fangled words from. ‘Gizzards’ and ‘Carcass’ indeed.

BLOOD

So that’s it then, no more decadent pirate antics?

CARL
(Shakes head)
No.

BLOOD
I’ve got a good mind to hand in my cutlass.

CARL
Don’t be so dramatic.

BLOOD
Those P.C do-gooders have stuck their oars into the pirate way of life. “You can’t do this, you can’t do that” We can’t even call the poop deck the poop deck anymore! What is the point, Carl?

CARL
You can adapt, Sir.

BLOOD
I think this may be the final straw. I mean, what’s next? Are they going to get rid of the old skull and crossbones because they offend skeletons?

CARL
Ah-

BLOOD
What? Oh that’s it! I’m definitely handing in my notice!

CARL
Come on. It’s a craggy old image anyway. It might be good to have an new logo. I mean, it’s become something of a cliché. It’s like the short lived parrot fad that was started by your friend Long John, that didn’t do our image much good, did it? Perhaps a revamp will be just what we need.

BLOOD
What is the new design going to look like?

CARL
They haven’t decided yet. It might just be a big ‘P’.

BLOOD
A big ‘P’?

CARL
Aye.

BLOOD
That’s hardly an adequate replacement with the old skull and crossbones, is it? I mean, a big ‘P’ could mean anything. A skull and crossbones screams ‘WE ARE PIRATES! THE DEMONS OF THE SEA!’

CARL
I think that’s the image they are trying to sway away from.

BLOOD
But I like the image, it’s why I became a pirate. I don’t see why the higher-ups keep sticking their oars in. I’m really not happy about this, Carl!

CARL
I can understand your frustrations, Blood but if we go along with the changes we can make the most of it.

BLOOD
I’m really not happy about all this. I’m really not. I didn’t become a pirate to obey the suits! I wanted to rape, pillage and shoot cannonballs at ships.

CARL
Cannonballs. I meant to mention this earlier--

BLOOD
Don’t say they’re clamping down on my balls!

CARL
They’re having, uh, talks about--

BLOOD
Stuff this! I’m going to walk the plank.

Blood storms off.

V.O BLOOD
Where’s my plank?!

CARL
That’s the other thing--

SPLASH!

CARL
(Sighs)
Sometimes it sucks to be the middle man.

END

(Arrg)