I wrote this in under ten minutes. It's not great but it passed the time. It's a short about victorian detectives. I hope it will raise a few chuckles. Chris
"Sherwood Jones and The Confusing Case Of Deadly Murder"
By Chris "Sometimes people pay me to do this kind of stuff" bate
INT-DRAWING ROOM-DAY
Victorian detective Sherwood Jones and his loyal partner Derwood Coolington are at the scene of a muder. A boy lies on the floor. There are a few policemen around, looking for clues. They are lead by Gareth Hammersmith-Apollo.
Sherwood paces the room, puffing a large pipe. He is a man of dramatic poise and utmost dedication to his duty.
SHERWOOD
(Pacing and pontificating)
Murder is a tricky beast, is it not? Very whiley in it's ways and means. You must never take your eyes off murder. Officer Hammersmith-Apollo, your thoughts on this matter?
GARETH
Murder isn't a thing, sir. It's an incident. An event.
SHERWOOD
Are you a detective, Sir?
GARETH
No. I am a run-of-the-mill bobby.
SHERWOOD
Then be a good fellow and shut thy face. I am the best detective this side of London and my gleaming track record speaks for itself. I have over one hundred years of experiance in the field of criminal investigation.
GARETH
One hundred years? How can that-
SHERWOOD
Don't interupt me when I'm putting you in your place. You see, what you fail to realise is that I am a master of what I do. I have a nose for the criminal mind. I know what makes the evil doer think and act. You would be wise to stand back agog when I make a metaphor. I do not expect a smart alec comment from you. Do I make myself clear, Hammersmith-Apollo?
GARETH
Aye, sir.
SHERWOOD
(Pointing to bloody body)
Now, I put this to you. The body was previously alive, perhaps walking around-
Gareth rolls his eyes.
SHERWOOD
Maybe the deceased was making a sandwich or enjoying a warm beverage. Oh, that reminds me, Coolington, make us all a hot drink if you would be so kind? I'm sure the officers are parched.
COOLINGTON
Yes, sir.
SHERWOOD
Thank you, Coolington. Now where was I?
GARETH
You were talking about the deceased.
SHERWOOD
Oh yes! There he was going about his daily duties when WHAM! He was hit on the back of the head with a large, blunt object.
GARETH
He was stabbed.
SHERWOOD
Must you quibble, Hammersmith-Apollo?
GARETH
I'm just saying that he was stabbed fourteen and a half times in the back. It's pretty cut and dry.
SHERWOOD
Interesting. I wonder if it was the knock on the head or the knife wounds that caused him to lose his life.
GARETH
(Flabbergasted)
I-
SHERWOOD
This must be very unsettling for you, lad. As a highly rated detective I have seen more than my fair share of death and gore. You develop a strong stomach and a clear mind over time. The only sickness I feel is the antipation of wanting to catch the blaggard that could do such a terrible deed. Now, the man was killed. But for what and why? These are questions you should be asking yourself. Did you do it? Why would I do it?
GARETH
You want me to ask myself if I did it?
SHERWOOD
It's a start, officer. Did you commit vile murder on this man?
GARETH
No.
SHERWOOD
Now ask me.
GARETH
Ask you what?
SHERWOOD
Ask me if I committed the murder.
GARETH
(Sighs)
Did you kill that man?
SHERWOOD
I did not.
GARETH
Wonderful.
SHERWOOD
Excellent. That's two suspects off the list. Always ask questions. Those closest to you could have all kinds of answers. Some of them will be relevant to what you are doing.
GARETH
I'm not really sure if this is getting us any-
SHERWOOD
Cool your horses, Hammersmith-Apollo. I sense your eagerness and I like it. I see a fire in you that I first saw in myself all those years ago. You have a good head, that's for sure. You're going to have your man in the cell before you can say 'Yes, I solved the murder of that man over there'.
GARETH
Right.
SHERWOOD
Did you do it?
GARETH
What? No!
SHERWOOD
Just checking. It would be easier if you had. It would save a lot of leg work.
GARETH
I did not murder that man there.
SHERWOOD
Do you wish you had?
GARETH
(Frustrated)
No. I don't know him!
SHERWOOD
I think I know who did it! It has come to me like a bolt from the blue!
GARETH
Who?
SHERWOOD
Coolington.
GARETH
Your loyal partner?
SHERWOOD
Indeed.
GARETH
(Red with frustration)
How could he-? Why would he-? Sir, he's always by your side. He even tucks you in at night, so I am told. Coolington may be a spineless whipping boy, but he is no killer.
Coolington arrives with the tea.
COOLINGTON
Tea's made!
SHERMAN
Coolington. Just the man. Where were you between the hours of last night and later that night?
COOLINGTON
I was giving you a bath.
SHERMAN
A clean detective is a mean detective.
GARETH
You're insane.
SHERMAN
I'm sorry?
GARETH
Nothing.
SHERMAN
Do you know that man there, Coolington?
GARETH
I know he's dead.
SHERMAN
Don't try and be funny, Coolington. Just answer the question. I'm trying to help you after all.
COOLINGTON
What have I done?
GARETH
He thinks you killed that chap there.
COOLINGTON
Not again, Sir. I thought we'd seen the back of this sort of behaviour.
SHERMAN
A good detective suspects everyone and everything. Have you interviewed the pets, Hammersmith-Apollo?
GARETH
(Rubbing temples)
The pets?
SHERMAN
A cat has been known to brandish a knife. I saw it myself in Goa. Get some men to start asking questions. I'll stay with our number one suspect.
COOLINGTON
Me?
SHERMAN
I'm sorry, Coolington. I just don't buy your story. It all seems a little hazy.
COOLINGTON
Maybe you should have a nice lie down for a while, Sir.
SHERMAN
You'd like that wouldn't you?
GARETH
Jesus.
Three hours later.
SHERMAN
This case has me stumped.
Gareth is rocking back and forth, muttering to himself.
SHERMAN
It is a pickle. I shall solve it.
Two hours later.
Everyone is half asleep. Sherman is in the same spot as is the body.
SHERMAN
Maybe he killed himself! Maybe it's all a big hoax.
GARETH
I did it.
SHERMAN
What?
GARETH
I did it. It was me. I did it.
SHERMAN
But why?
GARETH
I don't know but if it gets me out of here I will own up to anything.
SHERMAN
Of all the people..
GARETH
Yes, yes. Blah, blah. Take me away. Someone take me away. Please, I'm begging you. Take me far away from here.
Cops lead him off.
SHERMAN
I never would have thought it, Coolington.
COOLINGTON
Sir?
SHERMAN
What?
COOLINGTON
Maybe it might be time to retire.
SHERMAN
Thank you, Coolington. I shall take that under advisement. Hold me.
Coolington sighs and does as asked.
END
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