CRUNCH BOY #1: Love and Owls

For those of you that don't know/care (Delete as applicable) I used to have a stalker. He went by the name 'Crunch Boy'. He used to leave random notes in the comments sections and send me strange emails. I present to you, un-edited, the first of many of his letters for your amusement/bemusement.


Hello Friend!

Today Crunch Boy attempted to better understand the opposite gender in greater detail. Long have I avoided full contact with women in an effort to concentrate on my inner being.
I have found that women can be very distracting and such hard work, rather like an arduous job you can't clock off from.
It is with grave disinclination that I enter the proverbial fray again. I have been moved to do this by the unexpected arrival of a not-man of supreme and unbelievable splendor. She is near perfection in her appearance.
She is truly a work of living art. Crunch Boy does not usually go ga-ga over ladies but I cannot help it. I have the strongest urge to lick her and feed her weetabix. I want to dance with her under the light of a full moon.
My intentions and desires are part romantic and part disgusting. Truly, she has charmed me.
Her name is Lauren and she works in the office building opposite to the building in which I dwell. I see her almost everyday. She too's and fro's a lot, driven by an agenda that I couldn't possibly understand.
She was kind enough to offer me a smile a few days ago and I was happy to recieve such a gift. I wanted to speak but I couldn't find the words. The only word that came to my cowardly mind was 'Cabinet'. This served no real purpose and would only have served to hinder my chances of courtship. I dream of one day bleating out vast and beautiful poetry to her and making her giddy with a sweet soliloquy. I wonder if she would understand me, the inner Crunch Boy. I pray she would but if she is like all the others, I fear she will grow to look at me with confusion and fear before running away.
No one really understands me or my hatred of birds, stew and dogs that dress in victorian attire. I think that I have little or no chance with a woman like Lauren. Perhaps unrequited love is better. I have had many relationships like this in the past. After all, she may not be the angel I imagine her to be. She maybe the exact opposite. She may own a bird house and have an addiction to stew. She could be a monster under that milky soft skin.
Love certainly is a gamble.
A gamble I am not willing to take.
She probably has a boyfriend anyway. A handsome man who drives a handsome car. A man who can make her produce the noises woman make when they are happy. It's probably best not to dwell on this too much. I don't want my eyes to start sweating again.In other, more exciting news, I saw an owl today. I like owls. Owls are like better version of birds. I have decided to call him Lawrence although he looks more like a Stanley. I'm going to talk to him about Lauren. I'm sure he will know what to do.
Owls are supposed to be wise.
They are also said be fantastic at cooking pasta and solving tricky crosswords. Lawrence may prove to be soul mate I've been seeking for some time. In retrospect, perhaps I am not ready to indulge in a romantic relationship.
Not yet, anyway. I shall bide my time and do my research so that I am truly prepared.
I will let you know how it goes in my next electronic letter.

Love

Crunch Boy