this post is linked to the 'EH?' post. A post-script to the whole sudden ex intervention. I've fucked up big time. To be honest, my actions this weekend have been a major set back. They have put me back to a place i havent been for a long time..
...it was all going so well. i had all the right people there, celebrating Matt's birthday. We had hit a few bars and we'd been accumulating people for our adventure. It was looking pretty sweet and we were in good spirits when we got to Blast Off.
We were dancing. SHE was there like I knew she would be. Something was telling me that, after the out-of-the-blue text the other day, she would be there loud and proud.
After a few shots and a few dances I was feeling pretty drunk and stupid.. what did I do, after almost a year of being this supposedly new man?
I go up to her and ask what the text was all about. I opened the door like an idiot. The next thing we are talking about old times and i'm telling her about the film. She was a wreck. She cried a lot of the time, I didn't want her to. She cried because she said things weren't going so well and her new man was mean and her life was full of working and drinking...
...I could have/should have left it there. I should have waltzed off thanking karma for doing some good work on someone who had made great lengths to disrupt my life. I should have walked away...
..So upset and drunk was she that I said I would walk her home. We walked and talked to her house. She said that she would make me a tea when we got to her house. She wanted to hear about things...
..I should have walked away...
...I went back and she started crying. Loads. She was throwing up, curled in a ball about things. I wanted to perhaps looks after her more but things were different. She kept saying that I was a 'nice guy' and that it was so typical of me to see her okay even after mistake after mistake on her part...
...we talked more. She cried a lot of the time. She questioned why it went wrong and then, in a strange moment I shall never forget, started picking on my 'arrogance'. She said "You really are full of yourself now" my response was a terse "I hated myself before"..
...The next thing I know I was saying words that seemed like they were coming from someone else I was saying that i didn't understand why she was so upset. I didn't want to patronise her upset but it seemed crazy to be upset about things when she was the one that lied, cheated and picked apart this nice guy she missed so much...
...She has never been able to handle truth, to process honesty. It's not in her world. She threw me out like she did the last time we spoke. It was a long walk home. Freezing and snowy 12 mile walk to my house. The guilt of leaving my friends and missing the night for her was almost too much to bare...
...I called Mark, my house mate telling him that, due to the freezing conditions, I probably wouldn't make it back. I didn't want to. I'd made a foolish error by trying to help her...
...Steve, Nick and Mark pulled up in a car a little later on. I was cold, crying and completely distraught about how stupid I had been. After all that hard work to create a better persona after the nightmare of her, I'd buckled in a stupid attempt to help a sick, drunk girl I used to love...
...I should have walked away. I'm full of cold, full of regret and about fifty steps back. I used to love being in love. She popped that bubble by giving me a shot of unwanted reality. I loved the illusion and the myth. I didn't crumble before her. I crumbled after on...
...This isn't going to be easy to escape from but i deserve it...I'm stupid
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After such a fun weekend, today was always going to be a massive come down. Once again, I find myself sat at my desk, coasting through the f...
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This four day freakend I'm off on my travels to see good friend and fellow Blogger Stephanie . We're seeing The Go! Team and taking...
13 comments:
We talked earlier, but I just want to reiterate that you aren't stupid. And, for what it's worth, I'm glad you are the kind of person who would help someone when they are down and in need. I'm sorry that she threw all of that kindness right back at you. It just goes to prove (yet again) that she never deserved it in the first place.
Plus, you haven't gone 50 steps back. That would have been to believe and accept her bullshit. You didn't so don't be so hard on yourself. You gave her a chance to be civil and she wasted it. My only advice now would be to wrap up warm, rest, take care of yourself and remember this episode if she ever comes asking for help again.
xxx
Chris, I'd be more concerned if you hadn't been honest with her, told her what's what and took her "abuse". That'd be taking 50 steps back, like Stephanie said.
Instead of being taken back, I think this can be a starting point because you've finally told her the things you were telling us. And now you can be free from that time when you hated yourself and start afresh. Sure, maybe feeling sorry for her and trying to make her feel better wasn't ideal but that's how kind you are. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
You're not stupid. Anyone who gives half a damn about people, especially people they used to love has been sucked into something like this at some point in their lives.
It helps to friends look after you during times like this, and you've definitely got them. Let them look after you, talk it through with them, and call them in as back-up next time you're out and run into her.
I know it's hard to see now, but don't let one bad apple ruin the whole thing called love for you. That was only one possible reality. You just need to find the one who's worthy. Take care.
-steph (boston)
This is what I think you have proven; that you are human and compassionate and caring and tried to help someone out who you used to feel very strongly for. In the end you were let down and ended up feeling badly for your friends.
It sounds to me like you've taken 50 steps forwards this weekend; you can now close this entire chapter of your life and continue to move forwards, having learned form the entire terrible experience.
And love can be wonderful; when you find someone equally compassionate and caring as yourself.
Take Care.
She sounds like a poisonous bitch.
You didn't really do anything stupid, from your previous posts I suppose you needed the big final end to the whole saga and now you have it: You are a great successful talented guy (yeah the film and that) with loads of friends and online buddies while she is, from what I have read, a harpie.
Honey please don't beat yourself up. It seems to me that you haven't 'buckled' or done anything wrong, and you're certainly not stupid.
You tried to help her and make sure she got home ok (a good thing that a caring person would do) and talk to her and maybe there were somethings that you needed to say to her. Maybe now thats done you can get closure.
You've got good buddies who'll take care of you and am sure things will feel better soon.
Take care xx
Hey buddy, you aren't stupid. You just proved to yourself what an awesome person you are. You helped someone that you use to care about. You went out of your way to make sure she was safe, that by itself is a gesture of a true gentleman.
You didn't waste the night. In fact you showed her what kind of person she could have been with. You didn't lose love, you showed that it does exist, could exist.
You didn't move backwards. I think you finally closed the door to the past. You could some kind of closure. The reality is, you now see you could never be with a girl like that. Even more, you've matured because you've gotten past the bitterness and hatred--which was shown by your compassion for someone who was obviously hurting.
I know exactly the feeling of stupidity you're feeling, but like everyone else says, you're NOT stupid.
She's got problems, and she tried to unload them onto you and when she started picking on you and calling you arrogant, that was an attempt to bring you down her own sad level. Don't let her do it.
You are so many good things: clever, funny, nice, caring, sweet, cute and talented just to name a few!
It seems like you're lucky that you became free of her a year ago, and look how much you've achieved since then :)
Right now, you're young and you've got stuff going on and you've got a life to live, but one day you'll find yourself in love again.
In the meantime, ignore that girl and hopefully she'll leave you alone. If she ever does hassle you, tell her you don't want any contact with her in the future.
And for some reason this quote from Monkey seems appropriate here:
"If the world often seems unfair to people who believe in fate, this is because fatalists can come to believe they cannot change or improve. But if there is fate, it is fated that we make our own lives."
xoxox
Don't regret what you did, since your actions show how human and sweet you are. She made the big error, not you.
Continue to protect yourself from people like her. You deserve SO much better.
Lots of love.
Don't beat yourself up! I think you handled it as well as anyone could. As others have said, it's reassuring to see that she didn't destroy the part of you that will help anyone in need of help. It's probably good as well that you got some home truths off your chest. Yes, you might feel stupid about it, but I don't think it was a backwards step at all.
I don't think you're full of yourself at all. She was probably just pissed off that you're not full of her anymore. Hope the cold hasn't wrecked you about too much and you're not still blaming yourself for this situation. You're a nice guy, and unfortunately that means that some people will try and take advantage of you, but that doesn't mean you're an idiot. It proves you have a good heart.
I agree with everyone here - You did what anybody with a heart would do for somebody that they once cared for. The fact that she reacted the way she did should just prove to you that you were right all along about her (especially if, after such a bout of heavy nostalgia you were starting to think 'hmm, maybe things would be different now...'), and that you really are much better off without her.
You don't seem the arrogant type to me at all. Maja is right - she was just attacking you to make herself feel better. Don't take a word she said to heart, please. it's all bullshit. You're a lovely guy on the brink of big things. You're allowed to be excited about that!
=(. do NOT get down on yourself over this Chris. It's like you slept with her or lent her money (right?)
You seem like a great guy who just did something nice. And you should be proud- you stood up for yourself and told her how you felt!
Next time thought- avoid that bitch like the plague!
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