The Story of Raffles

This cheery looking feline was found in my garden. He was lying on the patio and I noticed him through the kitchen window as I was making H a nice warm beverage.


He looked a little bedraggled and forlorn so we decided to feed him. I gave him some tuna and a bowl of water. He was very thankful. We decided to give him a name. At first we thought Kenneth would be suitable but H suggested Raffles. We said he was a travelling folk singer with a degree. He had fallen into hard times and was down on his luck. He had perhaps put money on the wrong horse or hung around with a bunch of bad cats.


We then celebrated our good deeds with ice-lollies.

Scorpions are the dolphins of the desert.

Whilst slavering away feverishly for 'The Man' yesterday, I was talking to my co-workers about scorpions. Elizabeth told me about a women in China who lived with scorpions. They grew accustomed to her. I was amazed because I always thought those ugly little things were, well, mean bastards that liked poisioning things.
I decided to do a little research on this and this is what I found. I think my findings will shock you a little. You may even feel the need to leave your seat and shake your head outside.

Scorpions are the dolphins of the desert.

They are actually kindly souls who, much like the their aquatic non-relatives, have helped many a stranger find their way out of the harsh terrain of a massive dessert or a dense jungle. I read about hapless hiker, Francis Milk who found himself lost in the lesser known harshlands of the Reebok jungle (Formally the Pepsi jungle) He had lost his map and was running low on food. He was without a clue and he found himself in Shit Creek.

Then a scorpion scuttled over. Francis thought he was done for. He was under the impression that scorpions sting random people for chuckles. He was also told that they carried guns.
This lack of understanding may account for his hopeless navigational skills.

Anyway, Francis was shocked to find out that the scorpion had a map in his right claw and a Mars bar in the other. He offered them both to the weary traveller and Francis took them, thanking the small creature greatfully.

To cut a long and rambling story short, Francis found his way home. He used the Mars bar to fend off a hungover lion and he managed to meet up with his friends and head home.

Francis was one of many who have been saved by nature's most misunderstood creature. Here is a quick list of people who have been saved by scorpions:


NAME (ACTIONS OF SCORPION)


Donna Medley (Fended off muggers in the Sahara Dessert)
Albert Stomach (Oversaw divorce from wife.)

Richard Yes ( Solved the murder of his daughter and brought criminals to justice.)

Shelly Radiator (Rebuilt house after harsh storms turned her home into mush)

Lance France (Helped clear his debts with easy installments)



So there you have it (or don't, if you're feeling awkward) Scorpions are great. Be nice to them and they shall be nice to you.

I'm here to help, you know. I'm not just eye-candy.

News Propaganda

Dear all,


Since this blog is a sort of recording of my life and events I thought I'd blog up some of the things that have been going on in the last few days. (Plus I think I have posted up enough pictures of my body parts.)

Of the film:

According to the director who emailed with updates yesterday, the last few pick-up shots will be filmed in Salt Lake City this weekend. It's been a slow shoot for a short film because of the ever-changing weather over there.
Music and sound have been added and the final cut will be edited this week. There is also going to be watchable/mockable footage on the MME website along with bits and pieces to prove that I haven't been lying out of my arse to a) Impress women b) Gain the amount of comments usually seen on Ho's blog (That will never happen. The man is some kind of Blog King)
The people at MMS are very excited and have high hopes for the little film, which is good because that means they won't just shove it in a cupboard and ignore it like an unwanted child.


Comedy 365:

I've been asked to submit some sketches for the new, web-based radio station Comedy365. I thought it would be just a writing thing but their attitude seems to be "if you write it, you perform it". I'm getting a disc of stuff ready to sent off and used on their late night show. I may be asking people I know to do funny voices over the next few months. I know Cheese will be game for that.


Prank War:

Speaking of my HOUSE mate, Steve has caught me with a string of pranks of late in the spirit of our little PRANK WAR. My response has been minimal thus far but rest assured, I have something devious up my overlong sleeves.


Grandfather tribute:

My talented friend Harry is painting a portrait of my late (And much missed) Grandfather. I know it will be awesome and I can't wait to present it to my Grandmother. If anyone can capture the essence of the man on canvas, then it will be H. His website of art will be opening up soon. Hopefully.


Listening to:


Sleater-Kinney 'The Woods' (LP)
We Are Scientists 'The Wolfs Hour' (EP)
Yo La Tengo 'Fake Book' (LP)
The Cribs 'The New Fellas' (LP)


Promising to:


Not do another blog like this for a while because it's a tad self-indulgent.


Have a good Wednesday. Only two more days after this before the freakend.


Yes, maybe but never really no,

Chris

Barefoot At Work

You gotta let 'em breathe from time to time.

Random Jones

Birmingham Academy 2 toilets. The smallest and brownist toilets ever. Amusing graffitti though.

Live Bate

A lot of you probably won't be aware of this but I supposed to be helping out with Live 8 today. I was supposed to be giving a big speech on stage just before Travis rattled out their 'hits'. It was a well written speech that was supposed to really punch the message across and slap the faces of the rich, powerful and stupid.
I was snubbed at the last minute, however.
Bob 'Rich Gypsy' Geldolf took me aside (Well, his henchmen did) and said:

-Carol.

-Chris.

-You can't do your speech.

-What? Why not?

-Will Smith is going to do one instead.

-Will Smith? You're bumping me for Big Willy?

-Bejesus, you should be used to that by now.

-What?

-The point is that Will Smith is going to do it. He's a huge star and you're, well, you're just you.

-Well, that's a slap in the face, Bob.

-That's just the way it is. To be honest, we were a little concerned about your speech anyway.

-What do you mean?

-Well, the draft that was handed to me by one of my lackeys was a little, uh, well, it consisted of you talking about your hair and doing something called a 'moustache solo'.

-The guy from Coldplay loves it. He's going to help me out.

-You've been dropped. I would say I'm sorry but *Meh*


He walked away and stole the ice-cream I was eating.

He's made my Celebrity Slap List.

THE PRANK WARS BEGIN!

Earlier in the week The Steve/Cheese (My housemate) and I threatened a war of pranks upon each other. There was to be further talks as Cheese launched the first attack today making it 1-0 in his favour.
Rest assured, my response shall be swift and savage. It's on like Donkey Kong.