All Choked Up or The Shortest holiday or just plain ‘Oh Dear’.

Hey, everyone.
I’m back early after a disastrous holiday that ended today by me leaving early.

WRITTEN SATURDAY July 16th

I hope you are all fine, well and dandy. I just thought I’d blog up some details of my ‘holiday’ to amuse anyone who gives one-tenth of a damn and to preserve the precious moments forever (Or for as long as physically and electronically possible)
We got here early, perhaps a little too early. Dad likes to get here as early as possible because he a) Loves the Cotswolds and b) Likes to get his monies worth.
The others soon turned up and Nick and I caught up with Adam, Andy and Dan, our three cousins. It’s been too long since the mad crazy one in Southampton so we had stories to tell and it wasn’t long until we were getting in the spirit (And spirits) and making the most of a place which mainly caters for children and the elderly.
We drink a lot when we meet up. We really punish the liver. Our main venom is Vodka and lime. It’s a potent little thing which Andy introduced me too a few years ago (At my little sisters wedding, no less) I find that it brings out the bizarre side of me and usually involves me getting my pasty white arse out.
(Side note: My cousin handed me a disc with last years photos on. We played a game of ‘Stars and their Arses’ photos are available on request, should you want to have a gander at my gluts)
Anyway, we were drinking and avoiding bingo (The ‘Fully grown ups’ love that stuff so we took our banter and rude stories outside.) whilst soaking up the pleasant weather before the sun realises that this is Britain and it only ever rains. We were talking about all the things we’ve been up to; Andy has moved in with his new girlfriend and is doing the grown-up responsible thing that so far has evaded me, Adam brought his lady along. She’s a sweet American girl who was more than happy to drink and shoot the shit with a bunch of over enthusiastic fellas whose dialogue mainly consists of the rude, the obscure and the homoerotic. It kind of made me wish I’d brought someone along to share pleasant moments and gay banter with. This was the first time in ages that I felt really alone and single.
I jawed about a certain girl (Who called later and made my night) and bitched about another. Vodka Limes loosen the tongue. There was a lot to catch up on.

Also, the place is a bit of a sausage fest.

The night took an unfortunate spin when my pesky tonsils decided to expand and choke me at 3am in the morning. Nick was goodly enough to call an ambulance despite being really drunk and really tired. (The chap had been busting mad moves on the dance floor a couple of hours previous)
So I had to spend the first night of my eagerly awaited getaway in Great Western Hospital being pricked and drugged (And not in a good way) in order to get my tonsils back to their normal size.

It was an allergic reaction to something. We’re guessing it was from the curly fries I had. Bad oil or something. It’s happened before, a couple of years ago. I had a bad kebab from a takeaway called ‘Fat Fanny’s’. I shit you not. It’s a real place that serves ‘real’ food.

I’m going to have an allergy test when I get back to see what the problem is/was.

Happy days.

In the words of Andy: “Trust you to leave a session in an ambulance”

Just thought I’d share. It’s good to share.

This is the first of many entries regarding the week away.

NOW:

Alas, the week was cut short due to ‘technical difficulties‘ (or family issues if you want to use the proper term) and I decided to come home to the people and places that I enjoy. People that aren’t judgemental or dull and places that play decent music and more rocking vibes. (Fuck Crazy Frog!) I also have wounds to nurse. I fell down a very big bank last night and I have cuts and bruises aplenty. It would have been worse had I not caught hold of a tree. If not, I would have been in the bottom of a deep, dark river.

Not the greatest few days for me but it certainly was eventful.

I’m going to fill out the rest of my days off with fun and frolicals with my nearest and dearest because that's what life, my life, is all about.

Parting is such..

Here's a shot of me taken from the art film 'Conversations With Biscuits'


On another note, I'm off on holiday tommorrow so I will be away for a week.
It will give me a chance to see family, riot with my brother and cousins and write lots.

Take care,

Chris

A Typical Evening at Westfield

When it's a slow evening in the Westfield house we usually take in some television. Our Evenings have been affected by the end of Scrubs. There is nothing to really fill the void. I watch a lot of MTV2 but it can get a bit repetitive.
We sometimes shout at Big Brother (Vanessa usually gets the brunt of our abuse)
Here is me watching RAW. Notice the mixture of guilt and childish glee. ("It's Rowdy Roddy Piper!" FYI, When I was a kid my first, and favourite hamster, was named after the aforementioned wrestling star.)
I'm enjoying some of the beer The Steve brought back from his adventure in Prague. It was a quality beverage. It tasted a bit like ear wax, but in a good way.


Here's The Steve. As you can see, the man loves his beer and is happy to advertise it to the world and it's daughter. He misses Sarah Chalke like crazy. He won the right to date her by way of fierce debate some weeks ago. I got lumbered with Heather Graham. I say lumbered, I'd happily watch Heather Graham take a shit.


And here is a picture of H's chest. He's wearing the tee-shirt I brought him last year. It's apt. He's not that evil but he's something of a genius.

We then watched 'Wondershowzen' on MTV2. If you haven't seen it, check it out. It's like Sesame Street meets Brass Eye. We laugh like drains at that show.

I hope you enjoyed our brief glimpse into our little world.

Nothing Post

I forgot what I was going to say. I had a great post written out in my head but then something happened at work and I completely forgot.
I think it was about a dream I had but then again it could be about the free cake I just ate. It was a very sweaty cake for some reason.
I wasn't aware cakes could perspire.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure it would have made you giggle a little, perhaps even chuckle, guffaw or chortle. Alas, my brain cogs have come to a halt and I've left you with a very poor, half baked post (Which is a lot like that cake I just forced down) I'm sorry.
I'm sure it will come back to me.
Just going to solve the mystery of the sweating cake.

Slap Stick Idiot.

I re-dyed my hair tonight.
I got some bleach in my eye while I was washing it and I panicked, falling through the curtain and spraying water and dye very which way.
This Chaplin moment has caused me to dye the side of the bath.
I'm now in the process of repainting (The bath, not my hair)

Fuck my luck.

From The Top Rope!

After a dull, humid and soul-sapping day in the office, it was good to kick back with H and put the world to rights over a brew. H has just completed a fantastic portrait of my late-Grandfather. We are presenting to my Grandmother tonight as a way to mark what would have been 50 years of marriage and we were both feeling pretty good.
Anyway, I was showing H a short film I'd made on my mobile called 'WWF Champion' which basically consists of me holding a mic and shouting surreal threats to the camera (Ala the golden days of WWF/E)


"When I get in that ring with you, Hogan, I'm going to introduce you to a French dentist..."


He loved it. He asked for a copy and I sent it to him via Bluetooth. As I was doing so he turned to me and said that he and our other friend Lee (A very tall chap with a penchant for star-jumping whilst waiting at the bar) had been asked to join a local wrestling organisation as a tag-team.

The West Midlands, it seems, is rife with wrestling.

So now he's bulking up and hulking up in preparation for his first bout. I'm trying to get in on the action as a manager of some kind (Or a cheer leader)

So H will have every area covered; artist, musician, writer, body builder and now wrestler.
I have to get a few more skills.

Just thought I'd share that.

It's a slow ass day.

Oh, and if anyone knows how to put mp3 files or short films on blogger than let me know. I have couple of amusing shorts I'd like to show you.

Take it easy and, if you get the chance, offer a thirsty dog some water. He'll love you like crazy.

Chris 'Double axehandle super headlock fandango frog splash' Bate

When faced with the Crab of Truth, it's best not to lie as it makes matters worse.