VARIOUS CONCERNS # 3 - A WITCH

These are the various concerns of a Witch..

• Badly made broomsticks
• Crack in a gingerbread house
• No wifi in the same said house
• No Eye of Newt
• No Toe of Frog
• No Children to trick and then boil
• Water (depends on the Witch)
• Being misrepresented in 'The Blair Witch Project'
• Warts
• Lack of black cats
• Cauldron malfunction
• Lack of pointy hats
• Someone saying "Witchcraft? More like BITCHcraft!"
• Warts
• Someone saying "I've got 99 problems but a WITCH ain't one"
• Traffic wardens
• Bitch Bingo 
• The state of the Euro

Memories

Wesley Snipes Slippery Snakes

Hi, I'm iconic actor - slash - Blade portrayer Wesley Snipes and I have been given an outlet right here on THE CHRISTOPHER BATE PROPERLY GANDERED (That's not it, Wes. We'll edit that. Don't let me forget before I post it out - CB) and I'm well into snakes and shit. Like, crazy into snakes. If I had my way, that movie SNAKES ON A PLANE would be called SNAKES ON A PLANE? I LOVE IT and it would star yours truly as Blade.

I've been in Hollywood a long time and I've seen it all. You name it, I've seen it. Seriously, name something weird and I bet you I've seen it. Twice probably. I've lived a life, man. A life inside the big wheel of showbiz.

Anyway, I dig snakes. I like the way they slither (no diggity, I'd like to bag them up)  so I've made a list of snakes that I would like to add to my extensive snake collection.


GRASS SNAKE

This mother slithered is found in Merry Olde England. It's polite and doesn't have the will or the want to kill humans. It's mostly harmless and can be easily spotted by it's motion in the grass. It also wears a top hat and has bad teeth. I've been to England many times but I've never seen one. If you catch one, let me know as I would like to adder it to my collection (*Chris, can you make sure you keep the snake pun as I feel that will show that I have a sense of humour unlike my alleged behaviour during the filming of Blade 3: A Trinity of Blades)



ANACONDA

Nicki Minaj sang that she didn't want any of this fabulous creature (or maybe she did. and it was a metaphor for something) but I disagree. This is an amazing creature and one that would fit pride of place in my collection (of snakes) as it's really the DADDY of snakes. It can eat a bus. Or a Jon Voight (Like in that movie about a giant Anaconda whose name I forget) I would like to go nose-to-nose with one of these guys and pitch a movie about it. Starring Blade.



DEATH ADDER

So called because it has a penchant for 80's infused death metal. This scaley son of a bitch is feared because of its snidey nature. It won't so much attack you head on, it will work it's way up the chain of command and have you booted off the project. It is a lethal, untrustworthy thing, a lot like my agent who. let's be honest, is worse than Hitler. Or the Hitler Snake (I don't want that snake)

If you know of  how to obtain these snakes, let me know at wesleysnipes@blade.moneytrain.com

In the meantime, you can see me live on stage in 'Waiting for Godot'

As Blade.

Various Concerns #2 - Kinder Egg Concerns

• The surprise inside either being: a) not surprising b) nothing c) something sinister d) for some horrible reason, contains a real, dead chick.
• Being mistaken for a Love Egg.

Various Concerns #1 - Various Concerns of a Brick

- Graffiti
- Being hurled through a window of someone he doesn't know by someone he doesn't know or agree with
 - Not being part of a nice house
 - Being part of a house that's used for bad things (like murders and weird sex festivals)
 - Being chopped in half in a martial arts display
 - Becoming rubble
 - Being the victim of public urination

Young Stepladder of the Year

We salute winner of Young Stepladder of the Year - Veronica Stepford.

Veronica beat off stiff and varied competition to claim the crown but there was never any doubt that she would take home the prize because of her contribution to the arts this year. 

I have the absolute privilege to sit down with Veronica as she contemplated her next move.

Firstly, congrats!

Thank you. Thank you so much!

Stepladder of the year. .

I know. It doesn't seem real! I honestly thought Yolanda was going to take it. She's a mid-sized, chrome-based ladder from Russia. She's already a star in her native land. A real celebrity.

She has a perfume out.

I know! I didn't think I would stand a chance against her and the others!

But the judges were unanimous in their decision. You dominated the singing contest and, if I can be frank, your speech was easily the best the competition has ever seen. It was a real tear jerker!

Thank you. I really have my parents to thank for that. They were the inspiration for everything. They worked so hard to raise me and it's all because of them that I am here today.

Balancing on the top of the world.

Yeah..

How did they take the news?

They were so thrilled! My Dad called all of my relatives despite the fact that they were all watching already!

That's sweet. What's next for you?

I've always wanted to act and I have been approached to be in a David O Russell film. I'm going to play the stepladder that Jennifer Lawrence uses to reach a object that's far too high up. It's a pivotal part as it's my character that causes hers to meet Bradley Cooper.

I look forward to seeing that. Well done again, Veronica! It was amazing.

Thank you. Thank you! 

COSTNER'S KESTRELS

Hollywood Superstar and famous Robin Hood impersonator, Kevin Costner, talks about his passion for the Mark Owen of birds.

 "I goddamn love kestrels. I could talk about those beaky sons-of-bitches all day. Not many people, and by people I mean the general public, know about my love for these creatures. I love them. I have done since I started in the film business.
They've been a constant in my amazing life. I have been obsessed with them since one flew into my window as a child (maybe it was AT a child, my pale prepubescent skin could easily have caused me to have been mistaken for a large, appealing mouse). My Pa and I nursed that bird back to health (not 100%, It flew sideways) and I remember looking at Graham (that was the bird) flying awkwardly to freedom and thinking to myself: "I want a kestrel" (and be a big film star)
 After I made it into the moving pictures, I used the money to start off my collection. I started small, literally, buying small birds and moving up to slightly bigger ones. I had a barn built for the kestrels to live in. It's still there. (My wife isn't but she was never a fan of my winged buddies) At a guess, I'd say I have over two hundred kestrels.
They all have names. Some of them are named after characters I've portrayed (Bull Durham and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, for example) or films I've been in (Waterworld and The Postman). After my award winning film Dances with Wolves won some awards, I brought seven celebratory kestrels (Although one died at a showbiz party. He got lost in a big hat) If I had my way, I'd spend every dime on these loveable birds. I'm something of an addict!
My wife could never understand and that's why she's dead (to me) I'm not the only Kestrel Head. I know of at least three other celebrities that share my fascination with these winged wonders.
I can't say their names, not in print at least, as they would prefer to keep it private. I'm not sure why. Show biz is pretty strange. Anyway, enough of my yik-yak, here are my favourite kestrels (and best friends)

MORRIS
Morris is someone I turn to when times are hard (my films aren't appreciated, I've lost my big keys etc.). Morris has a sage like wisdom. He's really in tune with me. Sometimes we finish each others sentences. In a way.

This is Jennifer. Jennifer is a sassy girl. She's the squark of the town (talk of the town) and all the men love her. She's had many lovers but they love her and she leaves them. She doesn't believe in being tied down and she wants to be a dancer.

This is Bryce. Bryce likes to stay indoors. He watches a lot of movies with me. He tends to get in a flap whilst watching them which I find annoying. I would put him outside but he's agoraphobic.

This is Oscar. Oscar is in a band. You can probably tell by the picture! He's got the rock and roll attitude down to a tee. He doesn't do drugs or small televisions or anything but his band can be pretty wild. Their first album is coming out next year. I've offered to play guitar on it but he politely declined. Kids, eh? (Kestrels)

 Anyway, that's my passion. I hope that I have enlightened you in some way to these amazing (sexy?) creatures. I could not live without them. Please enjoy my films, both old and new.

Sincerely, Kevin Costner - ACTOR

Glastonbury 2015 - Ryan Adams

There are few constants in my life but the music of DRA is one of them. He's probably my longest musical obsession and it only seems to be increasing with time (in a healthy way, you understand)

I've only seen him 4 times over the past ten years and only really enjoyed his live shows this year. He's more focused and more fun these days and I actively encourage people to check him out because, not only does he make killer music, he's a blast.

 He's clearly a guy that doesn't give a shit about perception and I love that the most. He makes mostly thoughtful music but he has all the energy of a punk rocker. He also seems to be having the most amount of fun 24/7.It's something to take influence from. I don't fear age, or death but I do deeply fear becoming bored and boring.

It's been a long time since I wrote anything on here and a longer time since this whole thing was a hub of moderate activity. I remember how precious this blog was before Facebook condensed everything into easily digestible tablets of mostly pointless information.
Not that this blog was every anything of substance. If anything, it was mostly excuse to mooch off work and keep track of my then topsy-turvey singledom. Man, was that a weird time for younger Christopher B. I was living it up like a generic, confused twentysomething with dreams far above his station.

Still, things got interesting in a 'not very interesting to everyone else' kind of way. You see, most people who blog have a lot of time on their hands or, at the very least, interesting jobs but there are some, most I'd say, that pump out posts because they have a metric ton of time on their hands. 

When you start to get serious, even in the early years, your online presence starts to vain. Maybe it's because your audience is now reduced to the one that would actually like to see you naked, as opposed to the people you envisioned being naked. Or did I mean supportive? Either way, you reduce your output because your adventures are no longer amusing, or interesting. You've grown up, grasped that previously unobtainable maguffin and asked it to be your wife (or hushand). Who, in the right mind would want to read about your non-adventures in Ikea or your fancy cheese and wine party? 

Who actually read this to begin with?
People with a lot of time on their hands.

I miss that.

I'm still here, interesting or not.