The Smile Detector

Hello. You may or may not like this little short. It's about going to the doctors which I used to make a career of a few years ago. It was actually part of an odd sketch show I wrote called 'Baron Saladback' which, as usual, never left my Laptop (Until now.)
A few of the sketches were to feature in Series 3 of the ITV's 'The Sketch Show'...But so far there hasn't been a series 3. The show was pretty generic anyway, to be honest. I'm not really sure where my strange bits would have fitted between the 'knock knock' humour that show seemed to thrive on. Still, you never know....
I'm rambling.

Enjoy.

'The Smile Detector'

INT - DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

Steven, an emotionally battered young man talks to his shrink.

STEVEN
(Quietly)
I'm just so depressed. I keep thinking about her and how much I miss her. I saw her with her new boyfriend the other day. She looked so happy. I just, I don't know, feel empty. I don't know what to do. I don't want to feel like this.

DOC
Steven, it's perfectly natural to feel like this. This is all part of a natural process. You will get through it. You will.

STEVEN
I just don't know what I'm going to do, Doc. I don't want to live with this-

DOC
Actually, I've got just the remedy. Something that will help the heartache

STEVEN
What's that? I'll try anything!

DOC
It's a new medical discovery from America. It's quick, painless and has helped nine out of ten depression sufferers.

STEVEN
What is it?

The doctor makes the motion of getting something out of his pocket. He presents his own hand balled up into a fist with his index finger and his thumb sticking up.

DOC
(Proudly)
It's the Smile Detector.

STEVEN
What?

DOC
It's a medical breakthrough.

STEVEN
It's your hand.

DOC
(As if to a child)
Where's that smile? Where's that smile?

STEVEN
What are you doing?

DOC
(Waggling fingers wildly)
A smile has been detected!

STEVEN
(Annoyed)
Stop that.

DOC
Where's that smile? Where is it?

STEVEN
Stop it!

DOC
Where's that smile? Where is it?

Steven cracks into a smile.

DOC (CONT'D)
We have a smile! We have a smile!

Steven is now smiling.

DOC (CONT'D)
There. We're all done. Come back next week and we'll see what else we can do.

STEVEN
Thank you, Doc.

DOC (CONT'D)
Don't thank me, thank the Americans.

I Am Jack's Best Excuse

I'm sore today. Very sore. My back hurts and my knees are aching. Head is fine which I'm suprised about. Jack is suprised too. It's Jack's fault I'm hurting.
Jack doesn't care because Jack doesn't know. He's blissfully unaware. He effects millions of random people nightly and everywhere.
I drink Jack from a plastic cup. Damn you, Mr Daniels! Last time you made me sick into my own underpants and last night you made me go toe-to-toe with one of my best friends in a sumo match at The Planet.
I can't fight. I'm terrible. A swing and a miss everytime. Put me in a rubber fat suit and my skills deplete quicker still.
Matt is sturdy. I tried everything. I used all my force and I couldn't budge him. I tried dirty tactics but he was more than ready for my Wile-E-Coyote tactics.
Jack's Juice made my reactions and my balance all shonky and shitty. I kept slipping on the matt and tripping over my own feet. Matt beat me 3-1.
I'm about as macho as a three day old Kitten.
Anyway, that was that. Fun was had and it will only get better/worse as the weekend chugs on.
The lesson here of course is don't drink too much J.D if you're fighting Sumo-style and don't tell sexy dancers in cages that they 'move like a sexy eel'.
Whatever you do this long weekend, play safe, have fun and use the phrase 'Hot Cribbage' at least once. For me.

Love you like lasers

C-Monkey
xoxox

Greetings from the land of Boredom!

Hello!


I need money for various endeavours so I have come up with some ideas I can sell to various companies. Here are a few of them:

HARSHmellows--Marshmellows with insults on them. Personal ones like "You DO look fat in that dress" and "Your future spouse will be your destruction".

A chocolate selection called 'Empty Promises'. I'm sending this one to Nestle (Fuck Cadbury's). Imagine the advert: "Give her a box of Nestle's Empty Promises and state your half-arsed desires with confection"

Holy Bon Jovi!--A religious musical based around the music of Jon 'Duuuurr' Bon Jovi. It would clean up in the West End.

Fingers crossed.

In other news, I have plans for a rather frenzied Bank Holiday weekend, starting a night early with drinking and dancing at The Planet, Wolverhampton. If anyone happens to be in that area, look for the guy that's dancing like a 12 year old at a wedding. That's me.
Thanks to those who send me info on Channel 4's holler for unsolicited sketches. I have some prepped (Some of them have appeared on this very blog) and ready to (un)amuse the execs on the 'hippiest' terrestrial television station.
Also, I've been trying to find comedy clubs that host open mike spots. I think it's time to bite the bullet and have a bash at stand-up. I've been tempted for so long and I need to know if I can amuse a group of strangers that aren't a)work colleagues b)Close, biased friends. I'm guessing I'll fall flat but the juice could be worth the squeeze.

Aside from that it's all work, work, work and play, play, play.
That's not a bad average, is it?

Warm pats on the head and overbearing man-hugs,

Cbizzle
(Or plain Chris to those not familiar with Snoop speak)

A better post may or may not follow.....

. 

Questions, Questions, Questions and Answers

Cindy-Lou 'tagged' me with these questions and I thought I'd oblige her with answers. Here you go, blog-fans.
You answer the Q's and pass 'em on. I don't normally do this kind of thing but a) It's C.L and b) I'll spare you a silly script today.


Total volume of music files on my computer:

Not many, about sixty. I had to delete some because my computer was running slow.


The last CD I bought was:

Ryan Adams and The Cardinals 'Cold Roses'


Song playing right now:

I'm watching Scrubs at the moment but the LAST song I was listening to was 'Beautiful Sorta' by Ryan Adams. I listened to it on my Zen Mp3. In the bathroom mirror. There was air guitar and everything....What?

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:

1. 'Lover, You Should Have Come Over' by Jeff Buckley
2. 'Pink Bullets' by The Shins
3. 'This House Is Not For Sale' by Ryan Adams
4. 'Go With The Flow' by Queens Of The Stone Age
5. 'Such Great Heights' by The Postal Service


Hmm, who shall I tag?

Searching....


The Steve!

Jon

Stephanie

For those that care, my new black hair.

NOT A SABRE OR A WOOKIE BETWEEN THEM

In honour of 'Star Wars' here this is. It's the short based on the final moments of 'A New Hope' and what might have been..

May the farce be with you.

'NOT A SABRE OR A WOOKIE BETWEEN THEM'

By Christopher 'Cogs' Bate

DEATH STAR-DAY/NIGHT/WHATEVER


EVIL EMPIRE GRUNT GUY
Those foolish rebels and their foolish rebellion! As if they even have the smallest chance of defeating us, the evil empire.


COMMANDER
Don’t get above your station, random grunt. If there is any scenery chewing to be done I shall do it. Look at them out there. They don’t call this the Death Star for nothing. They don’t have a hope.


GRUNT #2
Anyone want any coffee?


COMMANDER
Oh! Number 34, please. What are you having?

GRUNT #1
23.


COMMANDER
What’s a 23?


GRUNT #1
It’s a hot chocolate.


COMMANDER
I’ll have one of those.


GRUNT #2
You don’t want a 34?


COMMANDER
I’ll give it a miss this time. I drink way too much coffee. I want to sleep tonight. I’ve got an early start tomorrow.


Grunt #2 exits.


GRUNT #1
What are you up to the weekend?


COMMANDER
The wife wants to go to a dinner party. I don’t want to go. I hate going to strangers houses. You know how it is, all idle chit-chat. La-de-da’s and ‘how you do’s’. I hate it. “So how’s the Empire?” and “What‘s Old Vader like?”. It’s just so, ugh!, you know?

GRUNT #1
(Chuckles)
Yeah.


COMMANDER
I’ll be happy when this day is over, I’ll tell you know. I’ve got a cracking headache and that racket out there isn’t helping. I’m sorry for snapping earlier.


GRUNT
It’s okay. I know it must be under a lot of pressure at the moment.


COMMANDER
Got it coming from all angles, you know? I’ve got Vader breathing down my neck-


GRUNT
(Chuckles)
-Good one.


COMMANDER
Oh, I didn’t think of that.


GRUNT
I think he puts that on.


COMMANDER
What? The breathing thing?


GRUNT
Yeah.


COMMANDER
I tell you what he DOESN’T put on.



GRUNT
What’s that?


COMMANDER
His powers. I just know he’s going to choke me one day like he did to what’s-his-name upstairs. That’s the thing about this job. You quite literally get it in the neck. One teeny-tiny mistake and it’s (makes choking noise)


GRUNT
That’s why I didn’t apply for it.


COMMANDER
Sometimes I wish I hadn’t bothered. I should have opened that spare parts stall on Rydell Seven. The missus kept badgering me to (Puts on nagging voice) “Join the Empire! Join the Empire!”.

GRUNT
I know what you mean.


COMMANDER
How’s your ‘trouble and strife’ these days?


GRUNT
Didn’t I tell you? We split up.


COMMANDER
No!


GRUNT
Yeah. It was a mutual thing. Well, it was for her. She wanted other things. She wanted to travel the stars and see the sights.


COMMANDER
And you didn’t want to?


GRUNT
I don’t know what I want at the moment. I suppose that’s why I’m a grunt. I’m just a big nobody really.


COMMANDER
Don’t say that!

GRUNT
It’s true. I’m thirty-two years old and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. It’s looking less and less likely that I’ll ever get my band together.


COMMANDER
You hang in there, Brian! I love your music.


GRUNT
You do?


COMMANDER
Yes, I think you have a bright future.


GRUNT
You really think so?


COMMANDER
I do.


GRUNT
Thanks, mate. That means a lot.



A beat. Explosions from the outside.


GRUNT
They’re really going for it out there, aren’t they?


COMMANDER
I wish they’d hurry up and piss off. I want to sneak out early.


GRUNT
They’re optimistic, I’ll give them that.


COMMANDER
They haven’t got a cat in hells chance of winning. (Shouts through the window) We’re a planet, you morons! We don’t have any weak spots!


Grunt laughs.


GRUNT
What about that hole?


COMMANDER
What hole?


GRUNT
That hole. I don’t know if it’s a ventilation shaft or a waste disposal thing.


COMMANDER
I don’t know what you mean.


GRUNT
I’m sure it’s nothing. It’s just me being silly again.


COMMANDER
Where is he with the drinks?



CUT TO:


EXT-DEATH STAR/SPACE-DAY


The Death Star blows up just like in the movie.