The day after the days before

I'm so tired. I think the past few days have caught up with me. After Ryan 'Fanny' Adams cancelled the Birmingham gig, Matt and I decided to go out and do something. We ended up going to The Planet. It wasn't bad but it wasn't great either. It was 'Emo' night. We thought 'Hey! that could be fun on the bun!' We quickly learnt a valuable lesson about this musical genre..

..'Emo' is pretty shit.

It was full of miserable looking people, nodding at what appeared to be the same, whiney song on a loop. Matt, D.J and myself tried to bust several moves much to the disgust of the mopes that surrounded us.
I did try to liven things up by trying to get into the deserted cage where the girls usually gyrate. One of the bouncers stopped me before I could climb in by saying:

"Excuse me, are you a sexy girl?"

"Yes" I said with a shrug because, after a few double J.D's, I wasn't completely sure.

He told me to go away. Sexism?

Last night we saw We Are Scientists at The Little Civic. A place so small that the bands HAVE to mingle with the crowd. The band were great, really good fun and I recommend giving them a listen.
I'm heading up to Birmingham on Friday to go to Ramshackles. The Super Furry Animals are hosting the night so it will either be wacky and cool or tacky and shit. Still, the drinks are cheap.

This isn't one of my most exciting posts. I'll revert back to posting up sketch/script based drivel shortly. I just throught I'd throw some words out there because I'm so very tired and so very, very bored.

I hope your day is going well and you haven't had to cross a bridge with a troll on it. (NOTE: Don't pay the troll to pass by. There is ALWAYS another way around. If you give them money they will just spend it on axes or clubs.)

Love and Lordy,

Christopher Hey-Hey

Proper Propaganda

This warmed both my cockles and my ego. God bless them for going through the site and picking out quotes that even I'd forgotten I'd written. Thanks, chaps I'm chuffed to be 'Blog of The Fortnight'.
I'm a big fan of fortnights.

Bad News Propaganda

Ryan Adams has cancelled tommorrow nights gig in Birmingham. This will be the second time I have gone to see him and he's injured or infected himself. Bad luck for me.

Still, there is always We Are Scientists at The Little Civic, Wolverhampton to look forward to.

In other news, I have adopted the name El Hulio Bandito and I have devised an almost foolproof plan to overthrow the towns corrupt Sheriff.

Go-Kart Propaganda

This picture was taken before we had a bash at Go-Karting. Bash was the perfect word. I was more terrible than I feared I would be. I managed to crash three times and help cause the early retirement of two other drivers. I wiped out so badly on my third and final crash that my kart ended up on top of my my friend Lee's car. Me and driving do not mix.
The staff said that my driving was both 'terrible and dangerous'. I didn't race with the others in the second race and because of that there were no crashes. The staff must have breathed a hearty sign of relief with that news.
I'm a jinx it seems.

Here is me spending my lunch time filling the ears of those around me with the warm and joyfull sound of BAGUETTE JAZZ.

Another day at the office

Help Please

Settle an arguement between Blair and myself...Who would win in a fight between a large squid and a Tiger shark?

Banter 01

Me: Look at the bruise I got from giving blood! Look at it! It's massive.

Blair: Dude, that's dirt.

Give Blood

Today I am doing a good deed and donating some of my red life water to the NBS (National Blood Service).
My appointment was supposed to be at 11am but they decided to leave it until later this afternoon as I hadn't had enough to eat. Apparently, a packet of cheese and onion 'Potato Heads' and a cup of rank vending machine coffee do not count as a proper breakfast. They did a few tests beforehand and asked me a few questions.


Have you had any tattoo's or piercings in the last few months?

No.

Have you ever injected illegal substances into your body?

No.

Have you ever recieved drugs or money in exchange for sex?

No.

Have you ever had anal or oral intercourse with another man?

No.

Then it dawned on me. I'm pretty boring.

I've got to get vamped in just under an hour. I'll blog it up if anything remotely stupid happens. It's likely. I tend to make stupid jokes and do stupid things when I'm nervous.

I suppose that explains this blog.

Arrival

Juliet, the pigeon that lives on the window ledge of my office (See Post 'Love On The Ledge' for more) has given birth to a healthy baby egg.
No name as yet. We got her a card.
She seemed chuffed.

Beckett The Conversation Bee

There is a very large bee that buzzes around my house. He has taken something of a shine to me. He follows me around as soon as his little eyes spy me. I think he likes me.
He also talks. He told me on our third meeting that his name his Beckett, after the writer Samuel Beckett. He likes all that stuff. Sometimes he quotes lines from ‘Waiting For Godot’ at me. He’s a chatty little bee.
Our friendship is somewhat tenuous. He likes to test me. Sometimes he mocks me. He likes to point out my flaws and dissect them. He says he enjoys it. I’d like to think he means well.
Anyway, one slightly sunny day, I was in the garden squirting random spiders when Beckett flew up to me and attempted to scare me. It failed as I’m not easily startled.


-Hey, Chris.

-Beckett.

-What are you up to?

-Nothing much. Bit broke so I’ve got to stay in tonight.

-Your wild weekends finally caught up with you, huh?

-Yup.

-Well, it was fun while it lasted.

-It’s not over, Beckett. I’ve just got to curb the nights out for a while.

-Have you got a girlfriend yet?

-No, I don’t want to rush into anything.

-People are talking.

-Who?

-People.

-What are ‘people’ saying?

-That you’re gay.

-What?!
-Yup.

-Who is saying that?

-People.

-Who are these ‘People’?

-Everyone. Some of them you know, some of them you don’t. They’re all saying the same thing.

-That I’m gay?

-I’ve heard you’ve started calling yourself Saint Gaylord.

-That was a joke between me and Geezer Squeezer! It doesn’t mean anything!

-What do you have a tee-shirt with the name on it then?

-It’s a joke!

-You say that but--

-Beckett!

-I’m just trying to help you out, chum.

-In what way? You always seem to take the piss out of me and embarrass me in front of my friends.

-I do not.

-You do. You’re a mean bee!

-If I don’t educate you then who will? Who is going to read to you while you sleep and tell you that it’s going to be alright?

-It is going to be alright! Why would it not be?

-People.


Beckett went onto wind me up for a further hour. I couldn’t shut him out because he kept finding a way into my house. He’s a sneaky little sod.
One day, he wound me up so tight that I tried to drown him in my neighbours pond. Have you ever tried to drown a bee? It’s harder than you’d think.

****

ZZZZZZZZ--Whu?--ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Nothing much has happened in the last week. I've been writing more scripts for a big, hopeful send off and looking for new jobs. Perhaps you all can make up something for me.

What COULD have I been up to?

"No Fucking Way!"...

...Would be the teenage Micheal Jackson's reaction if I were to go back in time and show him pictures of what he looks like now.

"Jeepers, Mister! I'm a monster!" he would cry

"Not only that but you will allegedly have a thing for kids but hey, don't worry, you'll be rich and famous enough to get away with it. Just wave at the cameras a lot and keep wearing that medical mask. It helps to keep your nose on your face. Chow for now, future freak!"

I would also go back in time and thump a young Vin Diesel. Just for kicks.

Christopher Bate Versus Towers Of London

I went out last night for a spot of this, that and the other. Did quite a lot of the first two but there was a distinct lack of the other. Still, it was a great night at The Planet with the usual great people. We were drinking, dancing (Booty bouncing at points for a reason beyond me) and shooting the breeze (I've always wanted to say that)
I was heading to the bar when I saw this girl I sort-of know. I'd had a few drinks so she was more appealing than usual and I fancied a harmless flirt. I was chatting away when I notice these chaps dressed in garbs that even Motley Crue wouldn't be seen dead in. They were in a band, my over-excited friend told me, a band called Towers Of London.
I know Towers Of London. You probably do too. They are the 'cool' new band that look and sound like a bunch of old bands but a)not as good and b) See a. They've been in NME and on MTV so they MUST be great. (Gotta love sarcasm)
The lead singer had nailed the cliched cocked hip and sneer pose and was full of the kind of smugness that you couldn't bottle. Anyway, friend has been asked to hang out with them and for some reason I got a little jealous.

-So they've asked me to go back with them.
-Where to?
-Their hotel.
-What for?
-Well, uh, a party. My friend Liz wants to go. She loves famous people.
-Does she like this band?
-Uh, yeah.
-Do you?
-They're okay. Do you like them?
-No.

Lead 'singer' looks up. The booze had turned my volume up more than I'd thought.
Friend laughed at my comment.

-They're okay. I'm just going to hang out with them.
-Just because they're sort-of famous.
-Yeah.
-They look like a Guns and Roses tribute band.

Friend laughed again. By now, the bands attention was on their potential sex recepticle and the odd little guy in the Ryan Adams tee. They pointed and laughed but I didn't hear any of their witty remarks.

-The lead singer likes me.
-That's what he says. Look at his hair. It looks like a blonde hill. It's over a meter high.
-(Chuckles) Stop it.
-Stay here with me. We're going to ask if we can dance in the cage.
-I've already made plans with the band.
-And I know what plans they have in mind! They just want you to be another notch on their hotel bedposts.
-I'm not going to do anything.
-I don't think they want you to go back to play Hungry Hungry Hippos. I actually like you. I've liked you for a while. I think you're cool.
-I think you're cool too.

One of the band (I'll call him 'Big Shades')-- Hey, stop hogging our girl!

-You know, they probably have V.D.
-It's just a bit of fun.
-Tell me that after you've got grabs from Axel Pose over there. You could 'hang out' with a decent band. Nobody likes them. If they were Modest Mouse or The Shins I'd join you.
-Who?
-They're terrible.
-Yeah, but they're famous.
-I'm famous!
-Are you in a band?
-Sorta. I'm a writer. I have a film going out!

(I was getting desperate)

-Are you famous though?
-Yeah!

(Desperate-o-meter was going off the chart)

-Really?
-People know me. I'm well known.
-Really?
-Well, my friends know me and you.
-That's not the same as being in a rock band, is it?
-They're not a rock band. They're a tribute to an idea of a rock band. I like you. I've liked you for a while. I can give you something more than, uh,crabs.
-(Kiss on the cheek) Ahh! You're sweet. I like you too but I have a chance to hang out with a band.

Big Shades- Give us our girl back!
Are you blind? Is he blind?
GIRL- I'd better go and see how Liz is doing.
Okay. My offers there for what it's worth.
I can give you my number for later.
I don't have my phone. I hung it up with Matt's jacket.
Ah.
I'd better-
Uh-huh. Go and be a groupie.
(Kiss on the cheek) I'll see you soon hopefully.

She tottered over to the band and got sandwiched herself over Big Shades and some guy that clearly wanted to be Sid Vicious. They all started frolicing. She was playing it coy.
I decided to head back and join the others contemplating writing a letter to NME.

LEADSINGER-Better luck next time, mate.
ME- Yeah, yeah. I look forward to downloading your album off the net.

I was'nt bothered about the girl. I was just curious to see if I was more appealing than a hot new band. I wasn't. Of course I wasn't!
I think she should have played enthusiastic groupie to a band with at least a spoonful of talent.
What would her parents think? What would MY parents think?! (They'd probably scorn me for mixing my drinks and thinking above my station. "If you'd buckled down and worked harder you could have been in Towers Of London")

Just thought I'd share this odd little tale with you. It made me laugh.

Hope you are all well.

Chris

Long Weekend!!

I'm going to to a lot of this, that and the other.

SHORT: 'Douglas'

'Douglas'


INT - LAB - DAY

A scientist is making notes at a desk. There is a monkey in a cage.

The scientist writes quickly. His mind is focused on his work.

The monkey's eyes are focused on him.

The scientist looks up and notices the monkey.

He goes back to his work. He can feel the gaze.

He tries hard to ignore it but he can't.

PROF NAPIER
Douglas, please.

The man tries to get back to his work.

SOFT VOICE (O.S.)
Can we swap please?

The man looks up.

PROF NAPIER
Who said that?

DOUGLAS
I did.

PROF NAPIER
Douglas?

DOUGLAS
Can we swap places now?

PROF NAPIER
Are you really-?

DOUGLAS
I'm bored.

PROF NAPIER
Oh my-

DOUGLAS
That work looks stressful. Why don't you let me finish it for you? I'm good with formulas.

PROF NAPIER
Is this some kind of a joke?

DOUGLAS
Let me have a go. I'm so bored of this cage.

Prof Napier approaches the cage.

PROF NAPIER
This is amazing.

DOUGLAS
I like your tie.

PROF NAPIER
Thank you.

DOUGLAS
Can we swap places now?

PROF NAPIER
This is a scientic beakthrough.

DOUGLAS
If we swap places for a while I'll tell you all my secrets.

PROF NAPIER
Secrets?

DOUGLAS
You'll be rich. I have lots of secrets.

The scientist thinks.

He opens the door and lets the monkey out.

DOUGLAS (CONT'D)
Can I have your coat?

PROF NAPIER
Yes.

The man takes off his lab coat and hands it to the monkey who puts it on.

Prof Napier climbs into the cage and Douglas locks it.

Douglas goes to the desk and begins to write.

The Scientist watches him intently.

The monkey cackles and then runs for it.

PROF NAPIER (CONT'D)
Douglas?

The door slams behind the simian.

PROF NAPIER (CONT'D)
I thought we had a deal!

He sighs.

PROF NAPIER (CONT'D)
Not again.

Listening to (You should too): Sons and Daughters 'The Repulsion Box' (Album) We Are Scientists! 'Great Escape' (Single) Nine Black Alps 'Not Everyone'

Does anyone have any recommendations? My ears are always open.

CALL NOW!