Highlights from 'Moustache Friday'

I encourage peeps to liven up their dull work days with fake moustache-based frolicals.

SHORT:"Sherwood Jones and The Confusing Case Of Deadly Murder"

I wrote this in under ten minutes. It's not great but it passed the time. It's a short about victorian detectives. I hope it will raise a few chuckles. Chris

"Sherwood Jones and The Confusing Case Of Deadly Murder"

By Chris "Sometimes people pay me to do this kind of stuff" bate

INT-DRAWING ROOM-DAY

Victorian detective Sherwood Jones and his loyal partner Derwood Coolington are at the scene of a muder. A boy lies on the floor. There are a few policemen around, looking for clues. They are lead by Gareth Hammersmith-Apollo.

Sherwood paces the room, puffing a large pipe. He is a man of dramatic poise and utmost dedication to his duty.

SHERWOOD

(Pacing and pontificating)

Murder is a tricky beast, is it not? Very whiley in it's ways and means. You must never take your eyes off murder. Officer Hammersmith-Apollo, your thoughts on this matter?

GARETH

Murder isn't a thing, sir. It's an incident. An event.

SHERWOOD

Are you a detective, Sir?

GARETH

No. I am a run-of-the-mill bobby.

SHERWOOD

Then be a good fellow and shut thy face. I am the best detective this side of London and my gleaming track record speaks for itself. I have over one hundred years of experiance in the field of criminal investigation.

GARETH

One hundred years? How can that-

SHERWOOD

Don't interupt me when I'm putting you in your place. You see, what you fail to realise is that I am a master of what I do. I have a nose for the criminal mind. I know what makes the evil doer think and act. You would be wise to stand back agog when I make a metaphor. I do not expect a smart alec comment from you. Do I make myself clear, Hammersmith-Apollo?

GARETH

Aye, sir.

SHERWOOD

(Pointing to bloody body)

Now, I put this to you. The body was previously alive, perhaps walking around-

Gareth rolls his eyes.

SHERWOOD

Maybe the deceased was making a sandwich or enjoying a warm beverage. Oh, that reminds me, Coolington, make us all a hot drink if you would be so kind? I'm sure the officers are parched.

COOLINGTON

Yes, sir.

SHERWOOD

Thank you, Coolington. Now where was I?

GARETH

You were talking about the deceased.

SHERWOOD

Oh yes! There he was going about his daily duties when WHAM! He was hit on the back of the head with a large, blunt object.

GARETH

He was stabbed.

SHERWOOD

Must you quibble, Hammersmith-Apollo?

GARETH

I'm just saying that he was stabbed fourteen and a half times in the back. It's pretty cut and dry.

SHERWOOD

Interesting. I wonder if it was the knock on the head or the knife wounds that caused him to lose his life.

GARETH

(Flabbergasted)

I-

SHERWOOD

This must be very unsettling for you, lad. As a highly rated detective I have seen more than my fair share of death and gore. You develop a strong stomach and a clear mind over time. The only sickness I feel is the antipation of wanting to catch the blaggard that could do such a terrible deed. Now, the man was killed. But for what and why? These are questions you should be asking yourself. Did you do it? Why would I do it?

GARETH

You want me to ask myself if I did it?

SHERWOOD

It's a start, officer. Did you commit vile murder on this man?

GARETH

No.

SHERWOOD

Now ask me.

GARETH

Ask you what?

SHERWOOD

Ask me if I committed the murder.

GARETH

(Sighs)

Did you kill that man?

SHERWOOD

I did not.

GARETH

Wonderful.

SHERWOOD

Excellent. That's two suspects off the list. Always ask questions. Those closest to you could have all kinds of answers. Some of them will be relevant to what you are doing.

GARETH

I'm not really sure if this is getting us any-

SHERWOOD

Cool your horses, Hammersmith-Apollo. I sense your eagerness and I like it. I see a fire in you that I first saw in myself all those years ago. You have a good head, that's for sure. You're going to have your man in the cell before you can say 'Yes, I solved the murder of that man over there'.

GARETH

Right.

SHERWOOD

Did you do it?

GARETH

What? No!

SHERWOOD

Just checking. It would be easier if you had. It would save a lot of leg work.

GARETH

I did not murder that man there.

SHERWOOD

Do you wish you had?

GARETH

(Frustrated)

No. I don't know him!

SHERWOOD

I think I know who did it! It has come to me like a bolt from the blue!

GARETH

Who?

SHERWOOD

Coolington.

GARETH

Your loyal partner?

SHERWOOD

Indeed.

GARETH

(Red with frustration)

How could he-? Why would he-? Sir, he's always by your side. He even tucks you in at night, so I am told. Coolington may be a spineless whipping boy, but he is no killer.

Coolington arrives with the tea.

COOLINGTON

Tea's made!

SHERMAN

Coolington. Just the man. Where were you between the hours of last night and later that night?

COOLINGTON

I was giving you a bath.

SHERMAN

A clean detective is a mean detective.

GARETH

You're insane.

SHERMAN

I'm sorry?

GARETH

Nothing.

SHERMAN

Do you know that man there, Coolington?

GARETH

I know he's dead.

SHERMAN

Don't try and be funny, Coolington. Just answer the question. I'm trying to help you after all.

COOLINGTON

What have I done?

GARETH

He thinks you killed that chap there.

COOLINGTON

Not again, Sir. I thought we'd seen the back of this sort of behaviour.

SHERMAN

A good detective suspects everyone and everything. Have you interviewed the pets, Hammersmith-Apollo?

GARETH

(Rubbing temples)

The pets?

SHERMAN

A cat has been known to brandish a knife. I saw it myself in Goa. Get some men to start asking questions. I'll stay with our number one suspect.

COOLINGTON

Me?

SHERMAN

I'm sorry, Coolington. I just don't buy your story. It all seems a little hazy.

COOLINGTON

Maybe you should have a nice lie down for a while, Sir.

SHERMAN

You'd like that wouldn't you?

GARETH

Jesus.

Three hours later.

SHERMAN

This case has me stumped.

Gareth is rocking back and forth, muttering to himself.

SHERMAN

It is a pickle. I shall solve it.

Two hours later.

Everyone is half asleep. Sherman is in the same spot as is the body.

SHERMAN

Maybe he killed himself! Maybe it's all a big hoax.

GARETH

I did it.

SHERMAN

What?

GARETH

I did it. It was me. I did it.

SHERMAN

But why?

GARETH

I don't know but if it gets me out of here I will own up to anything.

SHERMAN

Of all the people..

GARETH

Yes, yes. Blah, blah. Take me away. Someone take me away. Please, I'm begging you. Take me far away from here.

Cops lead him off.

SHERMAN

I never would have thought it, Coolington.

COOLINGTON

Sir?

SHERMAN

What?

COOLINGTON

Maybe it might be time to retire.

SHERMAN

Thank you, Coolington. I shall take that under advisement. Hold me.

Coolington sighs and does as asked.

END

100 Random Facts

Thought I'd have a shot at this, just to see if I could come up with 100 interesting things about myself.

1. I was born Christopher David Bate on the 14th December 1979
2. As a child I was terrified of Santa. As an adult I'm scared of heights, spiders, horses and Play Doh. I suppose my worst way to die would be to be chased by off a very tall building by a big spider riding a horse. A horse made of Play Doh.
3. As a child I wanted to be a comic book artist. I was sixteen when I realised I couldn't draw like the fellas in my favourite comic 2000AD.
4. 'Clerks' restored my faith in films and has remained my favourite ever since.
5. It's closely followed by 'Before Sunrise'.
6. 'Watership Down' is the film that terrified me so much as a child that I won't watch it as an adult.
7. Robert Plant of Led Zep has had tea at my house.
   
8. I'm hooked on pasta.
9. I'm into most types of rock. I love indie, post-rock and folk. I also have a thing for seventies heavy metal and prog thanks to H. (Styx, Dio, SAHB and Rush rule the old rock school)
   
10. I had a hamster called Rowdy after Rowdy Roddy Piper, my favourite WWF wrestler.
11. When he 'went away to Hamster Land' I had two other hamsters Putty and Jaffa but Rowdy was the best.
12. 2003 was my worst year.
13. I wasn't too keen on 1994 either.
14. I've had my hair bleached blonde when I was at college. It looked stupid.
15. Unlike my recently dyed black hair which looks great (Well, I think)
16. I value friends more than family.
17. Some people trust the bible, I trust the words of Bill Hicks.
18. I love tea.
19. One of the coolest things anyone ever did for me is get me tickets to see Woody Allen at the Hammersmith Apollo. Seeing my personal hero in the flesh was the best.
20. I prefer foreplay to sex.
21. My favourite album is 'Grace' by Jeff Buckley
22. My least favourite is '100 Windows' by Massive Attack (What a dissapointment)
23. I have contemplated suicide many times and tried it once. (See 12)
    
24. I'm much happier now than I've ever been. (See 15)
    
25. One of my biggest regrets is not taking up the opportunity to do stand up at The Bear comedy club in Birmingham.
26. I had a list of people I needed to apologise to because of certain events. I have completed the list. Fences mended. Karma restored.
    
27. I used to enjoy calling up late night radio stations pretending to be different people with different problems.
28. I'm not a big computer games person but I do enjoy Smackdown. X-Com is one game I could spend hours and hours on. One day I will finish it.
29. I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by some unique and talented people (H, The Steve among others)
30. I never want children.
    
31. I once streaked across a camp site in the early hours of the morning with two of my cousins.
32. I have kissed a man...to impress a girl. I think I just impressed the chap.
33. My favourite superheroes as a child were Batman and Spiderman.
    
34. Ringu is the only scary movie to make me scream at the screen.
35. If I enjoy a day enough I will give it a name (Buns and Guns Day etc)
36. I have not, as yet, beaten Steve on Amped 2.
37. From the age of 9 to 13 'The Lost Boys' was my favourite film.
38. It was through the above film that I befriended Harry Davis. It is the only decent film Joel Schumacher has ever made.
39. I was so dissapointed by the 'Judge Dredd' movie that I cried. (It was a travesty!)
40. Tom and I once walked home from Birmingham. It took four hours.
41. I prefer Pepsi to Coke.
42. I won't eat any meat off the bone.
43. My favourite stand up comedy video is Steve Coogan 'The Man Who Think's He's It'
44. It's closely followed by Ricky Gervais's 'Politics'
45. I hate football.
46. I like wrestling. I'm not a fan as such but I do enjoy the theatrics.
47. Vagina's frighten me a little.
48. I always carry around a bag containing a notebook in case I get any ideas for scripts and such.
    
49. Because of the above fact my Grandfather used to call me 'Paper Boy'.
50. I am one half of 'The Conversational Balloonists'.
51. I once got a story read out by Jo Whiley on Radio One. It was for the 'Changing Tracks' section of her show.
    
52. It accompanied one of my favourite tracks 'Once Around The Block' by Badly Drawn Boy.
53. 'Death Rides The Nine' was originally going to be a story called 'Drinking With Jesus'.
    
54. It was for a college project. It was deemed unsuitable by my tutors.
55. Since I can remember I have kept the same cuddly toy which is now frayed but still on my bed.
    
56. I would love to have a shark attack scar.
57. I am a terrible actor.
58. Earlier this year, I got to ask Kevin Smith a question at a London Q and A.
59. I had my first and only fight at 15, sticking up for my brother. (I won)
60. I have saved every 2000AD comic from 1989 to 1997.
61. I like inventing my own words and phrases or using H's words or phrases in casual conversation.
62. One of the best pieces of advice I have ever heard was "There is a fine line between noble and stupid". It was H the Saint.
    
63. I love the smell of Dax Wax.
64. I have never been to a strip bar. They seem pointless to me (See 48)
65. After drinking too much J.D I once puked into my underpants.
66. I once entered a drinking game on holiday to impress a dutch girl. I couldn't drink the pint quick enough and decided to pour the rest of the drink over my head to win back some credibility. Strangely, the girl was impressed.
67. I don't like cheesy 80's pop music.
68. If I was rich, I would move to Hamburg.
69. I have never had one of these.
70. I don't like the term 'Meal Deal'.
71. I don't mind the term 'Meals On Wheels'.
72. I love thunder storms. When I was a kid I used to sit outside, under an umbrella. As an adult, I feel the compulsion to sit under a tree.
73. I met Michael Tighe (Who played with Jeff Buckley and appeared on my favourite album) in a toilet in The Little Civic, Wolverhampton. I got him to sign my bus pass.
74. I have read most Woody Allen biographies more than twice.
75. My day job means nothing to me.
76. If anyone asks what I do, I tell them I'm a writer.
77. I like girls who wear glasses.
78. According to an internet survey I'm 26% gay. (I thought it would be more)
79. Yellow is my favourite colour.
80. I have no compulsion to drive.
81. Nor have I felt the urge to smoke.
82. I'm currently reading 'Yes Man' by Danny Wallace.
83. I usually read at least three books at a time. Usually biographies.
    
84. I was one of the smallest kids when I first started secondary school.
85. But one of the oldest in the year.
    
86. I tend to apologise more than I should.
87. If I was in a band they would sound like a cross between The Pixies and The Sensational Alex Harvey Band.
88. For a period when I was a kid I was fooled by peer pressure to ignore the music I really liked and follow the trends of the time. Never the sheep again.
89. I once participated in a game called 'Stars And Their Arses'.
90. H and I were thrown out of Chris Morris's internet forum for being 'too weird'.
91. For at least three years I have wanted to learn the guitar but have failed to grasp it.
92. I have a large collection of wrist bands, beads and straps.
93. I'm not a fan of blow jobs. I'd never request it, least of all from someone I loved.
94. When I was little I wrote to 'Jim'll Fix It' asking to be in a film with Corey Haim and Corey Feldman.
    
95. Sometimes I sleep sitting up in bed.
96. I once went to London to meet a film company. It turned out to be fruitless. I did, however, get a free meal and a book. (The meal was great)
97. I don't like Christmas.
98. I disliked a former friends girlfriend so much that I nicknamed her 'Hordak' (From She-Ra) H and I made a song about said 'girl' which contained the line "Hordak!/Her face is like a shit-filled sack!".
99. The only T.V I tend to watch is mostly music channels.
100. This is the last time I'm going to write down 100 things about myself. Far too difficult.

Death Rides The Nine

A couple of shots from the dailies sent to me by the director. I'm pretty thrilled to say the least. Regardless of the fact that I wrote the script, it just looks like a film I'd want to see.

Wine Face.

Pre-Planet drinks at David J's

I Are Scientists/DREAMS

Top new band We Are Scientists featured my question in their amusing advice section on their wacky website.

name: Chris

query: I'm considering starting up a rock band consisting of myself a group of sock puppets. Is this wise? If so, where can I find instruments small enough for the puppets to play?

W.A.S Answer: You will need to fashion the instruments. But yeah, that's a very wise idea unless you hate money.


In other, more pointless, 'news' I had a very odd dream last night. It wasn't interesting or as fascinating as the dreams Finnegan blogs up but it was pretty crazy.
I was in 'War Of The Worlds' (I haven't seen the film) and aliens were taking over the world and blowing all sorts of shit up. These aliens all looked like Marvin The Paranoid Android from 'The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy' but evil, very evil. I spent most of the time running away and jumping through windows to escape the big-headed bastards, occasionally stopping to shoot them with my gun. I say gun, it was my fingers formed in the shape of a gun and the sound effects were supplied by myself 'Blam! Blam!'. It seemed to work.
I remember Madonna was involved. She saved me and my brother from a horde of aliens with a series of high-kicks that could only come from years of yoga. Tom Cruise had a cameo. He blew up a spaceship with his killer Cruiser grin.
We managed to defeat the menace with a confusing plan that involved blowing everything up and hoping for the best (Otherwise known as 'The George Bush Freedom Plan')

I blame the Malteasers I had before bedtime.

All Choked Up or The Shortest holiday or just plain ‘Oh Dear’.

Hey, everyone.
I’m back early after a disastrous holiday that ended today by me leaving early.

WRITTEN SATURDAY July 16th

I hope you are all fine, well and dandy. I just thought I’d blog up some details of my ‘holiday’ to amuse anyone who gives one-tenth of a damn and to preserve the precious moments forever (Or for as long as physically and electronically possible)
We got here early, perhaps a little too early. Dad likes to get here as early as possible because he a) Loves the Cotswolds and b) Likes to get his monies worth.
The others soon turned up and Nick and I caught up with Adam, Andy and Dan, our three cousins. It’s been too long since the mad crazy one in Southampton so we had stories to tell and it wasn’t long until we were getting in the spirit (And spirits) and making the most of a place which mainly caters for children and the elderly.
We drink a lot when we meet up. We really punish the liver. Our main venom is Vodka and lime. It’s a potent little thing which Andy introduced me too a few years ago (At my little sisters wedding, no less) I find that it brings out the bizarre side of me and usually involves me getting my pasty white arse out.
(Side note: My cousin handed me a disc with last years photos on. We played a game of ‘Stars and their Arses’ photos are available on request, should you want to have a gander at my gluts)
Anyway, we were drinking and avoiding bingo (The ‘Fully grown ups’ love that stuff so we took our banter and rude stories outside.) whilst soaking up the pleasant weather before the sun realises that this is Britain and it only ever rains. We were talking about all the things we’ve been up to; Andy has moved in with his new girlfriend and is doing the grown-up responsible thing that so far has evaded me, Adam brought his lady along. She’s a sweet American girl who was more than happy to drink and shoot the shit with a bunch of over enthusiastic fellas whose dialogue mainly consists of the rude, the obscure and the homoerotic. It kind of made me wish I’d brought someone along to share pleasant moments and gay banter with. This was the first time in ages that I felt really alone and single.
I jawed about a certain girl (Who called later and made my night) and bitched about another. Vodka Limes loosen the tongue. There was a lot to catch up on.

Also, the place is a bit of a sausage fest.

The night took an unfortunate spin when my pesky tonsils decided to expand and choke me at 3am in the morning. Nick was goodly enough to call an ambulance despite being really drunk and really tired. (The chap had been busting mad moves on the dance floor a couple of hours previous)
So I had to spend the first night of my eagerly awaited getaway in Great Western Hospital being pricked and drugged (And not in a good way) in order to get my tonsils back to their normal size.

It was an allergic reaction to something. We’re guessing it was from the curly fries I had. Bad oil or something. It’s happened before, a couple of years ago. I had a bad kebab from a takeaway called ‘Fat Fanny’s’. I shit you not. It’s a real place that serves ‘real’ food.

I’m going to have an allergy test when I get back to see what the problem is/was.

Happy days.

In the words of Andy: “Trust you to leave a session in an ambulance”

Just thought I’d share. It’s good to share.

This is the first of many entries regarding the week away.

NOW:

Alas, the week was cut short due to ‘technical difficulties‘ (or family issues if you want to use the proper term) and I decided to come home to the people and places that I enjoy. People that aren’t judgemental or dull and places that play decent music and more rocking vibes. (Fuck Crazy Frog!) I also have wounds to nurse. I fell down a very big bank last night and I have cuts and bruises aplenty. It would have been worse had I not caught hold of a tree. If not, I would have been in the bottom of a deep, dark river.

Not the greatest few days for me but it certainly was eventful.

I’m going to fill out the rest of my days off with fun and frolicals with my nearest and dearest because that's what life, my life, is all about.

Parting is such..

Here's a shot of me taken from the art film 'Conversations With Biscuits'


On another note, I'm off on holiday tommorrow so I will be away for a week.
It will give me a chance to see family, riot with my brother and cousins and write lots.

Take care,

Chris

A Typical Evening at Westfield

When it's a slow evening in the Westfield house we usually take in some television. Our Evenings have been affected by the end of Scrubs. There is nothing to really fill the void. I watch a lot of MTV2 but it can get a bit repetitive.
We sometimes shout at Big Brother (Vanessa usually gets the brunt of our abuse)
Here is me watching RAW. Notice the mixture of guilt and childish glee. ("It's Rowdy Roddy Piper!" FYI, When I was a kid my first, and favourite hamster, was named after the aforementioned wrestling star.)
I'm enjoying some of the beer The Steve brought back from his adventure in Prague. It was a quality beverage. It tasted a bit like ear wax, but in a good way.


Here's The Steve. As you can see, the man loves his beer and is happy to advertise it to the world and it's daughter. He misses Sarah Chalke like crazy. He won the right to date her by way of fierce debate some weeks ago. I got lumbered with Heather Graham. I say lumbered, I'd happily watch Heather Graham take a shit.


And here is a picture of H's chest. He's wearing the tee-shirt I brought him last year. It's apt. He's not that evil but he's something of a genius.

We then watched 'Wondershowzen' on MTV2. If you haven't seen it, check it out. It's like Sesame Street meets Brass Eye. We laugh like drains at that show.

I hope you enjoyed our brief glimpse into our little world.

Nothing Post

I forgot what I was going to say. I had a great post written out in my head but then something happened at work and I completely forgot.
I think it was about a dream I had but then again it could be about the free cake I just ate. It was a very sweaty cake for some reason.
I wasn't aware cakes could perspire.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure it would have made you giggle a little, perhaps even chuckle, guffaw or chortle. Alas, my brain cogs have come to a halt and I've left you with a very poor, half baked post (Which is a lot like that cake I just forced down) I'm sorry.
I'm sure it will come back to me.
Just going to solve the mystery of the sweating cake.

Slap Stick Idiot.

I re-dyed my hair tonight.
I got some bleach in my eye while I was washing it and I panicked, falling through the curtain and spraying water and dye very which way.
This Chaplin moment has caused me to dye the side of the bath.
I'm now in the process of repainting (The bath, not my hair)

Fuck my luck.

From The Top Rope!

After a dull, humid and soul-sapping day in the office, it was good to kick back with H and put the world to rights over a brew. H has just completed a fantastic portrait of my late-Grandfather. We are presenting to my Grandmother tonight as a way to mark what would have been 50 years of marriage and we were both feeling pretty good.
Anyway, I was showing H a short film I'd made on my mobile called 'WWF Champion' which basically consists of me holding a mic and shouting surreal threats to the camera (Ala the golden days of WWF/E)


"When I get in that ring with you, Hogan, I'm going to introduce you to a French dentist..."


He loved it. He asked for a copy and I sent it to him via Bluetooth. As I was doing so he turned to me and said that he and our other friend Lee (A very tall chap with a penchant for star-jumping whilst waiting at the bar) had been asked to join a local wrestling organisation as a tag-team.

The West Midlands, it seems, is rife with wrestling.

So now he's bulking up and hulking up in preparation for his first bout. I'm trying to get in on the action as a manager of some kind (Or a cheer leader)

So H will have every area covered; artist, musician, writer, body builder and now wrestler.
I have to get a few more skills.

Just thought I'd share that.

It's a slow ass day.

Oh, and if anyone knows how to put mp3 files or short films on blogger than let me know. I have couple of amusing shorts I'd like to show you.

Take it easy and, if you get the chance, offer a thirsty dog some water. He'll love you like crazy.

Chris 'Double axehandle super headlock fandango frog splash' Bate

When faced with the Crab of Truth, it's best not to lie as it makes matters worse.

The Story of Raffles

This cheery looking feline was found in my garden. He was lying on the patio and I noticed him through the kitchen window as I was making H a nice warm beverage.


He looked a little bedraggled and forlorn so we decided to feed him. I gave him some tuna and a bowl of water. He was very thankful. We decided to give him a name. At first we thought Kenneth would be suitable but H suggested Raffles. We said he was a travelling folk singer with a degree. He had fallen into hard times and was down on his luck. He had perhaps put money on the wrong horse or hung around with a bunch of bad cats.


We then celebrated our good deeds with ice-lollies.

Scorpions are the dolphins of the desert.

Whilst slavering away feverishly for 'The Man' yesterday, I was talking to my co-workers about scorpions. Elizabeth told me about a women in China who lived with scorpions. They grew accustomed to her. I was amazed because I always thought those ugly little things were, well, mean bastards that liked poisioning things.
I decided to do a little research on this and this is what I found. I think my findings will shock you a little. You may even feel the need to leave your seat and shake your head outside.

Scorpions are the dolphins of the desert.

They are actually kindly souls who, much like the their aquatic non-relatives, have helped many a stranger find their way out of the harsh terrain of a massive dessert or a dense jungle. I read about hapless hiker, Francis Milk who found himself lost in the lesser known harshlands of the Reebok jungle (Formally the Pepsi jungle) He had lost his map and was running low on food. He was without a clue and he found himself in Shit Creek.

Then a scorpion scuttled over. Francis thought he was done for. He was under the impression that scorpions sting random people for chuckles. He was also told that they carried guns.
This lack of understanding may account for his hopeless navigational skills.

Anyway, Francis was shocked to find out that the scorpion had a map in his right claw and a Mars bar in the other. He offered them both to the weary traveller and Francis took them, thanking the small creature greatfully.

To cut a long and rambling story short, Francis found his way home. He used the Mars bar to fend off a hungover lion and he managed to meet up with his friends and head home.

Francis was one of many who have been saved by nature's most misunderstood creature. Here is a quick list of people who have been saved by scorpions:


NAME (ACTIONS OF SCORPION)


Donna Medley (Fended off muggers in the Sahara Dessert)
Albert Stomach (Oversaw divorce from wife.)

Richard Yes ( Solved the murder of his daughter and brought criminals to justice.)

Shelly Radiator (Rebuilt house after harsh storms turned her home into mush)

Lance France (Helped clear his debts with easy installments)



So there you have it (or don't, if you're feeling awkward) Scorpions are great. Be nice to them and they shall be nice to you.

I'm here to help, you know. I'm not just eye-candy.

News Propaganda

Dear all,


Since this blog is a sort of recording of my life and events I thought I'd blog up some of the things that have been going on in the last few days. (Plus I think I have posted up enough pictures of my body parts.)

Of the film:

According to the director who emailed with updates yesterday, the last few pick-up shots will be filmed in Salt Lake City this weekend. It's been a slow shoot for a short film because of the ever-changing weather over there.
Music and sound have been added and the final cut will be edited this week. There is also going to be watchable/mockable footage on the MME website along with bits and pieces to prove that I haven't been lying out of my arse to a) Impress women b) Gain the amount of comments usually seen on Ho's blog (That will never happen. The man is some kind of Blog King)
The people at MMS are very excited and have high hopes for the little film, which is good because that means they won't just shove it in a cupboard and ignore it like an unwanted child.


Comedy 365:

I've been asked to submit some sketches for the new, web-based radio station Comedy365. I thought it would be just a writing thing but their attitude seems to be "if you write it, you perform it". I'm getting a disc of stuff ready to sent off and used on their late night show. I may be asking people I know to do funny voices over the next few months. I know Cheese will be game for that.


Prank War:

Speaking of my HOUSE mate, Steve has caught me with a string of pranks of late in the spirit of our little PRANK WAR. My response has been minimal thus far but rest assured, I have something devious up my overlong sleeves.


Grandfather tribute:

My talented friend Harry is painting a portrait of my late (And much missed) Grandfather. I know it will be awesome and I can't wait to present it to my Grandmother. If anyone can capture the essence of the man on canvas, then it will be H. His website of art will be opening up soon. Hopefully.


Listening to:


Sleater-Kinney 'The Woods' (LP)
We Are Scientists 'The Wolfs Hour' (EP)
Yo La Tengo 'Fake Book' (LP)
The Cribs 'The New Fellas' (LP)


Promising to:


Not do another blog like this for a while because it's a tad self-indulgent.


Have a good Wednesday. Only two more days after this before the freakend.


Yes, maybe but never really no,

Chris

Barefoot At Work

You gotta let 'em breathe from time to time.

Random Jones

Birmingham Academy 2 toilets. The smallest and brownist toilets ever. Amusing graffitti though.

Live Bate

A lot of you probably won't be aware of this but I supposed to be helping out with Live 8 today. I was supposed to be giving a big speech on stage just before Travis rattled out their 'hits'. It was a well written speech that was supposed to really punch the message across and slap the faces of the rich, powerful and stupid.
I was snubbed at the last minute, however.
Bob 'Rich Gypsy' Geldolf took me aside (Well, his henchmen did) and said:

-Carol.

-Chris.

-You can't do your speech.

-What? Why not?

-Will Smith is going to do one instead.

-Will Smith? You're bumping me for Big Willy?

-Bejesus, you should be used to that by now.

-What?

-The point is that Will Smith is going to do it. He's a huge star and you're, well, you're just you.

-Well, that's a slap in the face, Bob.

-That's just the way it is. To be honest, we were a little concerned about your speech anyway.

-What do you mean?

-Well, the draft that was handed to me by one of my lackeys was a little, uh, well, it consisted of you talking about your hair and doing something called a 'moustache solo'.

-The guy from Coldplay loves it. He's going to help me out.

-You've been dropped. I would say I'm sorry but *Meh*


He walked away and stole the ice-cream I was eating.

He's made my Celebrity Slap List.

THE PRANK WARS BEGIN!

Earlier in the week The Steve/Cheese (My housemate) and I threatened a war of pranks upon each other. There was to be further talks as Cheese launched the first attack today making it 1-0 in his favour.
Rest assured, my response shall be swift and savage. It's on like Donkey Kong.