The Monday Blues of the Tired and Uninspired

Further proof that Jim Davidson should be shot out of a cannon http://www.chortle.co.uk/news/Jan05/jim290101.php

Wacko Jacko---Whose side are you on? I think the wierd bastard should have been sectioned years ago, recent allergations or not. I just can't fathom why any parent would allow their child to spend time with such a nutbox. But knowing todays greed filled and morally bankrupt world they probably think to themselves "If he touches little Tommy, at least we'll be able to finish the extension", "Tommy, it's rude to say no to a grown up" and "Play nice with Mr Clown Face"

What a charade. Only in America.

Shouldn't the parents be held accountable too? Talk about hap-hazard parenting. I'm so protective of my kids that I've decided never to have any. It's too harsh a world to have kids and I'm too lazy to help produce one.

I really don't

Good News For People Who Love 'Death'

I recieved an email from Kyle, the director of 'Death Rides The Nine' it contained the following titbits of information.
I've been asked to go to Utah in Febuary. Anyone know of any cheap airlines?
The editor of the film has worked on the series 'Touched By An Angel'
A theme is being composed using the rough cut of the film as I type.
There are still pick-up shots to be filmed and a couple of scenes to shoot.
Anyone actually BEEN to Utah? If so, are there any decent rock nightspots? If I get the chance I'd like to check them out.

Handy McHand

In an effort to stave off boredom and office fever, I have employed a side-kick in the form of my right hand.
This gloveless puppet has so far scared off people who take some hellish and twisted pleasure in winding me up with THAT nickname*. When they approach my desk with an eager grin I just raise my right hand and Handy McHand does the talking for me. He speaks in limericks and poetry. He doesn't suffer from such weaknesses as conscience and politeness. He frightens them off and makes them think that the mundane and endless task of processing mpans (Don't ask) has driven me to despair. Perhaps it has.
I would heartily recommend adopting a surreal tic to fight against the tide of tedium that is the nine-to-five grind. I wouldn't suggest Cocky McCock. That may be a mascot too far.

I sent a picture of myself and Mr McHand to various friends via the amusing medium of MMS. Both The Steve! (TM) and David J responded by sending me their mascots. It's a shame I can't get pictures on here at the moment.


* People refer to me as either 'James' or 'Dreyfus'. Sometimes both. Apparently, I resemble the floundering idiot from The Thin Blue Line and the awful Gimme, Gimme, Gimme. I can't see it and my closest friends and family can't really see the likeness, but a lot of people have approached me and informed me that I "look just like that guy from that thing...". These are usually the same fools that make 'witty' remarks about my last name.
"Huh, huh, huh (idiotic laughter) MASTER Bate!". I love it when they think they are the first person to spot the well-worn gag. For the even less inspired I get "FISH Bate".
I'd like to shoot these people out of a cannon.

Ye Olde

After being inspired by comments on a friends blog, I have decided that today I am going to use the phrase "What the Dickens?" in casual conversation.

Random Thoughts....As They Happen

1. It's 8:25am. I'm bored already. As you can tell I'm doing as much work as usual. I really need a new job and a change of pace, just for a while until the other things work themselves out.
2. Just had a look on Amazon.co.uk and found a novel written by one Steven Gordan. Some of you may remember him from a few years ago (or those that came to London with me do). He was going to make 'Death Rides The Nine'. It reminded me that I contributed to a film called 'Pavement' (I was one of SIX writers!) in early 2002 and I've never seen it. I was told it was being filmed. Perhaps it never got past the production stage. Mr Gordan was a pretty strange guy if I recall. A cockney David Lynch and he managed to jerk me around quite a bit. You can buy his book for 50p from Amazon. I got mine for free. It was signed too. Perhaps I can sell it for double the price.
3. H and I managed to upset a bunch of people online in one of our latenight creative meet-ups. 12am-7am (Oh, how I paid for that on Saturday) There's something satisfactory about winding up snobbish Americans whilst safe in the knowledge that they can't punch you in the face. It's on Conversational Balloonists if you want to have a read and lose some respect for me.
4. ASDA's Redbull knock-off 'Blue Charge' is the epitomy of rank. It weakens (and possibly erodes) the bladder.
5. It's now 9.15am and I haven't really touched my work. Perhaps I should leave before they realise that I'm not really into this job and that I have no desire to progress. I think this is true of every job I've ever had. I get bored very easily and I spend most of my time writing down ideas or day dreaming until I move on or get asked to leave. I don't really have a career planned out. Well, not a realistic one anyway.
6. Interpols' 'Evil' video gives me the creeps. Puppets are scary enough without stary eyes and human teeth.
7. Am I the only one not bothered about ipod's?
8. I'm going to have to be more thrifty and sensible with my wages this month.
9. It's 9.30. I'd love to be at home with a mug of tea and MTV2.
10. My boss has just turned up and it's gone dead quiet. When she's not here the office is like a class room of unattended children. Paper planes and all.
11. Does whitening toothpaste really work? If so, what's the best brand?
12. It would be a lot easier if dogs had a grasp of basic words. For example, if they could say 'food', 'play' 'walk' or 'poo'. At least then I'd know what to do when I'm dog-sitting Bonnie, my housemates hound.
13. I want to buy the laser guns from The Gadget Shop that, instead of making a noise when you hit your opponents pack, they give out a nasty shock. I love the way toys are getting intense. If I have a spare £35 I may purchase them. They would make for great entertainment at a party/gathering.
14. It's 10:20. I must not fall asleep. Focus! Focus!
15. The work of David Firth (www.fat-pie.com) is not for everyone. Flash toons like 'Milk Man' can divide a room.
16. I have a strange attraction to Ashlee Simpson. This troubles me but I'm not sure why.
17. I have a lot of dreams featuring Zombies. What does that mean?
18. The vending machine has skanked me for the last time. Another packet of Doritos trapped within it's whirly grasp. Some bozo is going to get a two-for-one if they go for D4.
19. I perhaps overeacted when one of my colleagues remarked that noone but her and this other guy make the tea. I was offended enough to shout "I make tea, you cheeky sod!" with a bit too much conviction.
20. What happened to my LINKS???!!!
21. This is going to be a loooooooooong day.

If you have any anwers to any of the above ponderings please throw down some words into the comments.

Legends of Jenga

Christopher David Francis Amigo Bate studied Jenga at Oxford University before practicing the ancient art of block-stacking the Amazonian rain forest. He would stack logs, small monkeys and villagers and play solo games to understand every move and eventuality.
The natives would soon refer to him as 'Juhooli' which means 'He who carefully takes the block from the bottom and places it on the top'
He then moved back to Britain where he took part in the underground Jenga movement.
There, under dim basement lights and amid a haze of smoke, he would battle it out with other Jenga-ers, usually with their tops off, for money and respect.
He crushed many a foe (sometimes literally) and set about trying to prove his worth above ground.
There he would face David 'The Brick Stackhouse' Johnson, Charlie 'Block-Buster' Roberts, Chris 'Captain Charisma' S and the devious enigma that is Nick 'Damn Dog' Bate
He would lose miserably.
It soon dawned on him that despite his confidence and supposed skill, he was making the heinous error of using both hands. He just couldn't cut the proverbial mustard above ground.
He lost a fierce battle at 'Jengafest 2005' and was never seen again. Some say he's been seen in the Amazon, some whisper that he's been seen serving in McDonalds', while others say that he set sail for a strange land known as 'THE ISLAND OF JENGARI'

Oh, simple things.....

Finally! We've got decent digital in our house! Now I can watch all the rock videos and shark documentaries I want.

In other, pointless, news I've noticed that I've been using the phrase "It's just one of those things" a lot. If anyone hears me say it can they please hit me on the arm or something? It would really help me out.

Reasons To Be Cheer Filled

The abuse of the credit card has yielded positive results. In an attempt to 'happy-up' 2005 I have made sure that I have things to look forward to. These are they (thus far):

1. Kevin Smith Q & A, London for the 'God Save Kevin Smith (In The U.K show)' A chance to see another personal hero. It will be recorded too so I may get my face on the 'Evening Harder' DVD. Perhaps I will get a chance to ask a question. Who knows? It's going to be a treat however way you look at it.
2. Bright Eyes, Wulfrun
3. A weekend at my Cousin Adams'. Always fun. The frolicals of our adventure in the Cotswolds last September still raises chuckles and bizzare flashbacks. Perhaps we will get to finish the 'Pesky Mascot' film at last.
4. The debut of 'Death Rides The Nine' at the Utah Indie Film Festival.

Goodbye, Grandad. We will miss you.

Leave it out, Ozzy!

THE OSBOURNES ANNOUNCE STAR-STUDDED CHARITY SINGLE
(NME.com with subtle changes by yours truly)
OZZY and SHARON OSBOURNE have announced their plans to record a star-studded cover of ERIC CLAPTON’s ’TEARS IN HEAVEN’ to benefit the victims of the Asian tsunami.
Elton John, Gwen Stefani, Pink, Velvet Revolver, Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler, Rod Stewart, Robbie Williams , Ozzy and Kelly Osbourne (God no! - CB) are amongst the artists lined up to sing on the track.
Sales of the song will go to benefit the Disasters Emergency Committee’s Tsunami Earthquake Appeal.
Produced by Sharon and ’Pop Idol’ judge Simon Cowell, the recording will kick off on Thursday (January 20) at London’s Whitfield Street Studios with John, Velvet Revolver and opera star Andrea Bocelli laying down their vocals.
According to MTV News, Stefani, Williams, the Osbournes, Stewart and Josh Groban will record their parts a week later in Los Angeles.
Tyler is set to put his parts down in Boston, while Pink will record in New York.
’Tears In Heaven’ was originally recorded by Clapton following the tragic death of his four-year-old son Conor in 1991.
Further details of when the new version will be released are yet to be confirmed.
The Disaster Emergency Committee have already received $19,000 in donations from The Osbournes and the family have recorded a public service announcement asking others to help.


Jesus, haven't they suffered enough? Why can't those rich morons just give them a few million and spare us and them ANOTHER shitty charity record? I'm kind of cynical towards these sort of things because, as the recent Band Aid 20 proved, it's all out the ego and exposure of the supposed artists involved rather than for the plight of the unfortunate.
If I had the money I would give as much as I could. I wouldn't make it into 'good publicity' thing. Call me cynical but that's what I feel this really is. Besides, that track was personal to Eric Clapton after his own tragedy. Sing something else.

Musings

1. If you have a fall/ fit at work people will flock towards you like a herd of morbidly curious sheep, getting in the way of the decent types who genuinely care and who can actually do some good. I pity the poor chap who became gawp and gossip fodder for the sad wastrels with such empty lives. When did we become such a heartless and twisted race, so devoid of entertainment that we feel the compulsion to deride thrills from the trauma of others? I blame such programmes as 'When Buildings Fall Over' and 'When Animals Attack 79'. Agony sells. Just ask The Sun and The Mirror
2. What is the point of Lollipop Ladies if they stand there and block the button which enables you to cross?
3. My boss is a pretty decent woman.
4. The guy next to me isn't.
5. In an effort to 'look forward, not back' I've booked tickets to see Bright Eyes. I figure the excitement of good things to come warrants further abuse of my credit card.
6. The guy next to me has just said that my haircut makes me look "like I've had an electric shock". I'm back in High School! It's 1995! What's he going to do next, say his Dad is better than my Dad? Perhaps he will write rude words on my pencil case.
7. Television is getting worse (See 1) Last night I watched 'Britney's Trashiest TV Moments' on TMF (I have shitty cable. No MTV2, no Classic Rock, Amp, Scuzz etc) It was true car-crash television. Baring your midriff if you are a reasonably attractive young woman is not really shocking is it? She also walked into a public toilet NOT WEARING SHOES! Whoopee. It's hardly rock and roll, is it? I'd hate to be a celebrity. You can't do anything without salivating journos following you around and writing about trivial and pointless everyday things. The programme actually made me feel sorry for her and everyone who took part in it's production. The Devil truly does make work for idle hands. Now a biog on The Rolling Stones, Bowie, Dylan, Jeff Buckley, Led Zep etc....THAT'S entertaining, mainly because these guys are ARTISTS OF WORTH! They have stories of creation and craftsmanship and the agony and ecstacy life on the road. They don't just mime and dance about like puppets.....I'm rambling. Hopefully, a point can be salvaged from the above.
8. Trying to avoid a conversation about religion. I can't seem to get out of it. The subject confuses me and if you're honest on that particular subject you end up upsetting someone. I'm not big on Mr Christ, let's put it that way.
9. I am really restless.
10. There is no point 10.

Really Random Thoughts

1. Free coffee is just tempting fate
2. My mind never focuses on one thing (work being one of them)
3. Southampton March 18 (Nick, are you up for that?)
4. Go Kids Go for The Steve's birthday? What could be better for a big kid than there?
5. I'm really sick of winter
6. I don't like my hair
7. Happy Birthday, Anna. Present in the post soon (well, should be when it arrives at my house)
8. My star sign in The Metro is scarily accurate
9. Bus drivers are wankers
10. I'm starting to feel like Mark from Peep Show. Can't I at least be Jez?
11. Dogs are great company
12. For a single male twentysomething I have a distinct lack of porn
13. I hate Excel
14. I want what i can't have
15. Blah Blah Blah

Working 9 to 5

As some of you may be aware 2005 has been a bit shitty thus far. Thanks to those that have been there for me. This post is aimed at the CUNTS I work with. Knowing full well that I'm a bit mournful about recent events, the sarky, heartless fuckers feel the need to chip smug and uncalled for comments my way such as "What's wrong with your face?" and "Cheer up, it might never happen" and when I do explain how I'm feeling they say shit like "Get the noose out"
Well, fuck you, you wastrels!
This is why you're only WORK FRIENDS, you hapless twats. I hope something similar happens to you so I can offer you the same cack-handed lines. See how you like it.
My attitude has always been if you can't find the RIGHT words at a sensitive time, don't say anything.
Work is a bag of boring, pointless shit.
If you feel my fury and feel the need to vent about your occupation, spray your venom in the comments. It's better out than in and it stops you walking into work with a loaded gun.

"I've got another puzzle for you..."

There is a new job on offer. A supervisor role. If I cared, I'd go for it. I was asked what I'd be like if I was a supervisor. I told them I'd rule with an iron fist and replace all my co-workers with Umpa Lumpas.
Everyday would be a holiday if I was supervisor to a bunch of those funny little fuckers.
I could get them to do all the work and make me endless cups of tea and hot choclate. If they didn't do any of the things I asked I could beat them. You can legally beat an Umpa Lumpa. They could sing that catchy little song to boost spirits and if they didn't I'd beat them.
Magic! If only real life resembled the one in my head.

Anyone fancy this?

CLUB NME

Birmingham, Club HQ, Hampton Street, Off Constituton Hill, B19 3LR
Tel: 0121 693 6960
Door times: 9pm - 2am. (unless otherwise stated)
Admission: £2 with NME voucher £3 with Student union card b4 11pm £4 otherwise.
Drinks: Bottles of Carling £1.50, VS Alcopops £1.50, Pint of Carling £2.00, Vodka and Mixer £1.50.
Tuesday 1 February - Dogs and Tom Vek
Tuesday 8 February - TBC
Tuesday 15 February - The Beat Up
Tuesday 22 February - The Black Velvets
Tuesday 1 March - TBC
Tuesday 8 March - Art Brut
Tuesday 15 March - TBC

It sounds good to me.
Splatter your interest in the comments so we can arrange stuff.

Oh, the humanity!

A woman at work was talking about her dogs (She loves dogs) and when talking about various breeds and their behaviour, she used the phrase "It must be something about black bitches".
I laughed.
I think it may have been partly out of nervousness as there was a black guy sitting opposite me . It might just be that I'm incredibly childish.

There's this girl...

...In my office. A real beauty. She smiled at me today and I almost fell over. I'm such a child when it comes to crushes.
I know nothing could/would come of it. She has a typically handsome boyfriend and, well, she probably wouldn't look at me twice if I was on fire but I think that's the charm.
Unrequited attraction is a lot easier. Always has been and always will be.
You can't fuck up what you don't have, can you?

Or...I could shove my usual Hugh Grant-alike politeness aside and say how I feel. I could walk over to her desk and declare, at a reasonable volume, my fondness for her face and everything that surrounds it.

"Hey, Peaches. Sorry, I don't know your real name, I fancy you. I really do. I think you are smashing and I would like to take you out and get to know the inner and outer you a lot better. I know you have a boyfriend and, yes he may be more distinguished in the hair department, but his features are rather bland and average whereas mine are like a carnival. What do you have to say to that, my lovely?"

It won't work. The best laid plans rarely do. At least I will have made a bold statement of intent rather than sitting at my desk waiting for something more thrilling to happen.

Friends Reunited*

I've recently updated my profile on Friends Reunited. See what you think. I'm guessing I wont be invited to the reunion.

Has it been so long? It only seems like yesterday when I was a student within the hallowed walls of Thorns School. Such treasured memories; my first kiss with Sarah-Jane Broll on the coach back from York (I'll never forget the look of disappointment on her face) English with 'Simple' Simon, being afraid of the supposed 'hard' kids who, despite their failings in every subject, could at least take comfort in the fact that they were 'The twelfth hardest in the year' (I'm sure that awesome accolade has graced many a dog-eared C.V), trying (and failing) to trick Shelly Blackmore, Laura Heath and all the other pretty girls into going out with me.
I could go on but I wont.
It’s both emotionally painful and physically boring. I haven't changed much. I still give women cause to look disappointed but, hey, that's life.
I don’t have any kids and I am not married (I don’t really count them as successes or achievements. Anyone can knock out a few kids, (Accidental or otherwise) some people did while they were still at school)For those that do give a fiddlers f u c k, I am a moderately successful screenwriter and I have a film in production with an American film company (Take THAT, Mr Avis!)
I’m hoping that my future will be creatively (Perhaps not financially) fulfilling but only time will tell.If you want to get in touch then do.
It would be interesting to see which of the so-called ‘Hard lads’ have been killed/imprisoned/overdosed this year. (You know you love it when that happens!)
Long live Thorns and all who sailed upon her!

(*I know this is ye olde but I didn't want to lose it now the old site is gone.)

Nooooooo!

I'm down to my last £100! Why doesn't my money ever last?! Why do I never have anything to show for the month apart from debt?! How much did I drunkenly pull out of the machine on Saturday? Why am I such a money frittering fool?!! Why? Why? Why?!!!
I've probably already answered my question.

Interesting...

If you mis-spell a blog address you get taken to a cheap and scary bible-thumping website. This has happened a bunch of times now (Curse my keyboard skills or lack thereof)
Different (Mis-spelled) addresses, same site.
God's behind the blog! Can't you see?
God....
Blog...
It's so clear now!!!
Run to the hills, it's the second coming! Soon Jesus will be spreading the word by posting his preachy poo-poo on peoples sites.
"I have seen the light via email! He spoke to me through MSN!" various deluded Americans will declare on trashy talk-shows.
Even a divine being has to move with the times. Mind you, he'll probably just go on peoples sites and slag off various 'celebrities' like most hardcore web-freaks do.

"Tell me why I don't like Mondays..."

Thanks, Mr Geldoff

Man, I do hate Mondays. Back to the grind after a weekend of sorting out various things and socialising for the first time in ages. Great to everyone again. I have missed their company. I was right to panic when I thought I'd lost them. After all, you're only as good as the people that surround you and they are very good people indeed.

As usual Hems (The chap who sits next to me) helped to stave off the boredom eagle. Whilst he was talking to a friend I decided to play an impromptu game of 'Hemmings Buckaroo' which involved me attaching various items of office stationary to him until he noticed and shouted at me. I managed to get a file clip on him.
A meagre one item. I was always crap at Buckaroo.


FILMS I want to see but my local facist multiplex won't play:

1. Closer
2. Garden State
3. I Heart Huckabees
4. Sideways
5. The Life Aquatic (Not out yet but I can bet Bill Murray's beard it's going to be a bitch to see it)
6. Melinda and Melinda (No one this side of France plays Woody flicks anymore. This should grief everyone. It doesn't.)

More art, less fart that's all I'm saying. People need flicks that mean something. A story with soul. Not everyone wants to see Vin Diesel kick, punch and growl for ninety hellish minutes.(except for horny teenage girls and Chavs. The groundlings of the cinema world)

I need a haircut. Seriously. I have seventies hair and not in a good way. I thought by growing it I'd look rock and roll and more like a writer, but I actually look a bit of a twat. I look like Dirk Bennedict from Battlestar Gallactica!

Gone are the days when I wanted to be like him. That particular dream died when I realised that the A-Team, much like Father Christmas, wasn't real and that he was merely jobbing along with a bunch of z-grade actors.

The point is that I need a haircut and I need a ------- (Insert something here, chances are you'd be right on the money)

When tribute band/crowd banter goes wrong:

The Shed, Friday Night. A 'Party band'. Uggh. This gem happened and woke me up (for a bit)


SINGER: (Cocky and smug)We are in a funk mood. Who wants to get funked up? Who wants to get funked real good?
HECKLER: Why don't you go and funk yourself?
SINGER:(Flustered) Uh, Did somebody say Maroon 5?


Boo-yah!


Said singer also had the wind knocked further out of his sails when he invited Kizzy to join him on stage for a duet of 'Teenage Dirtbag'.
Word to the wise; if you want to run with tigers, you are going to get clawed.
Oh, how his face paled with shock and alarm when Kiz gave a performance worthy of Karen O of The Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs. I'd go so far to say that it was a perfect 'punk' moment from a girl who knows really doesn't give two turds about embarrassment or what people think (And if that's not punk..what is? Having green hair and a Good Charlotte album ? Do me a favour!)
The sooner she forms an all-girl thrash band the better. She's going to waste trying to be a 'normal' person.

Blabble

Here are a list of office expressions used by corporate puppets to make pointless things sound more interesting:


1) Roll Out
2) Close of play
3) Liase
4) Cascade (i.e a boring presentation)
5) Shite Bat (ok, the last one I just made up because I'm bored of the concept of lists)


Crunch Boy has posted another, uh, post. Check out his oddness at crunchboy.blogspot.com

And for measure here are a list of terrible wrestling moves:

1)The Airplane Spin
2)The Camel Clutch
3)The Boston Crab
4)The Laser Fox
5)The Shattering Shin Shitter
6)The Lesbian Dunce Elbow

Hems has just won a jacket on ebay. A lady in accounts has just had a kid. What's more important in this modern age?

Sandwich Wizard

I love winding up the chap who sits next to me. It's become something of a hobby/addiction. A neverending battle to see who cracks first. We prank each other a lot. It passes the time.
Today, while he was enjoying his carefully packed lunch, I pretended to be 'The Sandwich Wizard'. I gave my best David Blaine impression for added effect. It went like this:

CHRIS

Hey, fella. What's in your sandwich? What's the filling?

HEM

Roast Turkey.

CHRIS

Roast Turkey, huh? Well, Sir. I'm going to change the filling of that sandwich using the power of magic.

HEM

What are you on about?

CHRIS

(Points to sandwich)

I'm going to change your roast turkey sandwich into a corned beef sandwich, that's what I'm going to do.

HEM

Eh?

CHRIS

(Waggles fingers and stares at food)

Have a look. I bet the contents of your sandwich is now corned beef!

HEM

(Looking)

It's still roast turkey.

CHRIS

That tastes like corned beef.

HEM

(Worried)

It looks and tastes like roast turkey. Is it okay to be scared?

Having failed to change the contents of his sandwich. I then attempted to change the sex of his chrisps. It was then that he moved away from me.

That's CHRIS 1 HEMS 0

I don't make up the rules. I just live in the jungle, you dig?

Random Thoughts

• I had a strange dream that I was having dinner with Woody Allen and he made me a really posh salad. I remember he was very particular about his plates and ticked me off when I almost dropped it on his hardwood floor. I'd like to point out that the dream didn't go down an erotic avenue, that would be hideous. I mean, I love his work but I have no desire to feel him.
• My mind wandered more than usual at work today and I imagined my office was being taken over by German terroists and it was up to me to fend them off with various items of stationary and a hand fan. It passed a couple of hours and it had a gripping third act (Which featured a cameo by Steve Martin for some reason) Weirder still, my day dream had full credits. The 'best boy' was somebody called Andrew Scunch.
• Had a chat about 'Watership Down'. The film that scarred me as an infant. My friend reckons I should watch it again and 'challenge my bizzare fear'. I really would rather not.
• The chap next to me made me a cup of tea which tastes like feet. I'm hoping he's just used a spoon to stir it.
• Almost finished the follow up to Death Rides The Nine. No title as yet but I may call it 'Death:The Musical!' but then again, I might not. I hope the film company like it. I love it and I hate pretty much everything I write. Including this.
• I'm still a big fan of the colour yellow. I always assumed that would change when I got older. I thought I'd switch to blue or black. Yellow still has it for me.